He became disenchanted with his therapist and decided to make a change. There was a big change coming at work and she was going to take a leave of absence. I don't know why I thought it would make any difference but I had high hopes since they wouldn't be together at work at least.
We went to my therapist together a few times. It was really painful because I was learning not to let his actions control me and my choices so whatever he would say about me I was supposed to be able to resolve it rather than to let it hurt me or make me crazy. But healing is a process and even though I was making progress I would have preferred to have our therapist tell him what a dope he was and how great I was. I used to imagine that one day he would see how wrong he had been and how lucky he was to have me. But then I realized that when that happened (sometime in the next life) I would hopefully have progressed to a point that I didn't need to be vindicated. I would just be grateful that he had repented. I would have developed Christ-like love! There would be no satisfaction in him seeing how badly he had hurt me and in him feeling completely terrible about it. But I liked to imagine it would be otherwise.
Our Therapist talked about not hitching my wagon to his bike and vice versa. You can see the problem with hitching your wagon to another s. If they ride their bike off in some strange direction you are going there with them. It's better to ride your own bike side by side or even better, one drafting off the other and taking turns in the lead. I always thought a husband and wife had to be at the same place on the path to Father. Not the way it is or needs to be. Does it really matter as long as you are on the path? I don't think so.
I learned that we do not know the heart of anyone else....even our spouse. We only know what they allow us to see and what we interpret from our experiences with them. We may be seeing them completely wrong. Only Father and our Savior know their heart. We can find out more about others by asking Father to help us see them as They do.
He decided that now was a good time to make a break. He had determined that he was dealing with a fantasy, an addiction, and it was becoming a bit frustrating for him. As I was becoming more free (by walking with my Father and Savior) she was becoming more needy. One day I went to the airport. She saw me walking with him and walked right up to us and said to him "can I see you a minute?" He went off with her and when he returned I asked him what she wanted. He started to snicker and said " she told me she didn't appreciate being treated like 'the other woman.:" Huh! I thought she WAS the other woman. Apparently she didn't think so.
I sent her a letter. I told her she was only a fantasy to him. I told her that even if they did end up together he would never be able to separate himself from the family he was part of...me and his children.
She called me. She told me he didn't want to be in the church and asked me if I wanted him under those conditions. She really didn't get it. He was my husband. The father of our children. I wanted him in my life forever and always.
She told me not to ever write to her again. Whatever.
Her leave of absence started. One day he was riding home, returning from a bike ride. He passed a dead skunk in the side of the road. He went home, got a shovel, went back and buried it. He made a sign that said "here lies the relationship of ______ and _______" complete with dates and he posted it there. I had high hopes. But remember....addictions are compelling!
Viktor Frankl said, in Man's Search for Meaning " Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms---to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
I was making great progress in choosing to love, to forgive, to seek solace rather than bitterness. It was only because of the strength I felt from the relationship I was developing with my Father and Savior. There was more joy in Their love then I had ever experienced in my life. It felt good. And I was hopeful. How many times would that hope been dashed? How many times and in how many ways would my heart be broken? But I could survive. I never stopped repeating in my mind, many times a day "with God nothing shall be impossible." Including saving this marriage?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I have loved thee with an everlasting love.
I read a book called "What Really Works With Men." It suggested that rather than thinking of him as a husband betraying you, you think of him as having a terminal disease. I pondered that and realized that in reality he was like someone with a terrible illness. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was really this man who was killing me, figuratively speaking of course. I decided to look past his humanness and see him as a very sad, lost spirit son of our Father. Each time I wanted to scream at him and tell him what a jerk he was I took a deep breath and turned it around 180 degrees. I never condoned his behavior but I did try to show love and compassion. That is a tall order when I so needed him to show me the same. But expecting him to do so before I could treat him with compassion was completely destructive to our relationship. I decided that in reality a marriage that is 50-50 probably works out to more like 25-25 since both partners are waiting for the other to treat them the way they feel they should be treated before reciprocating. I decided to give 150%. What I found was the more I loved and served him without requiring anything in return the kinder he was to me. At times I wanted to give up though.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Agony
The pain was agonizing. One day I was supposed to pick him up from work. I decided to park and go in (did I mention they worked at the airport?). I walked to where he usually worked and it was pretty much deserted so I headed back toward the C terminal. Just beyond the terminal I spotted them. It wasn't the first time I had seen them together.
This night they were walking arm in arm. I really didn't know what to do. What do you do? I just followed them. Eventually they headed up an escalator and he happened to turn around and he spotted me. I gave him a signal like "get down here right now!!!!" I didn't follow him up until I realized he wasn't coming back down as fast as I thought he should. I followed him up and though he denied it I saw him kiss her and off she went. I went up to him and put my arm through his like we were just fine. If she was watching I wanted her to be worried. He was not amused. I knew there were plenty of people who knew us who could easily see them together in the airport. As I said before, he did not care. Probably a year or two later a friend told me she had seen him with her there.
Each time I visited my therapist I felt more and more empowered. It's kind of like going to the temple and being filled with the incredible joy there and a desire to keep that spirit only to leave and within a very short time feel the world all around you again. You really have to work to keep those great, healing feelings. I was learning strategies to help me heal. One thing I was learning was to let myself feel joy even if it was for only minutes a day. When I was in the deepest depression I would try to fill myself with joy. I would smile and breathe deeply as though filling my soul with happiness. It felt so good, but it was very hard to sustain. The relationship was just so hard and relentlessly took its toll.
Every so often there were hopeful signs that he just might end it with her. But he always went back. He was reading a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" or something close to that. At least he was willing to acknowledge that they might not be "soul mates"....that the relationship might just be compelling.
My therapist called it a "vehicle of emancipation"...his attempt to become free. Free from the feeling that all relationships were a matter of control. We all need to break that cycle sometime in our lives of succumbing to the control of others to prove we love them. Its' draining. But we can't seem to separate love and control so we let our parents, spouse, the church control us until we just can't take it anymore and we find that vehicle to bring us the freedom we long for. There is a better way....
But I digress.
He was addicted. One day he very calmly told me that he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with her. His very life seemed to depend on it. she, he explained to me, was his only friend. funny...I thought a friend was someone who helped you be who you should be. I thought a friend brought out the best in you. He wasn't even who he really was when with her. This was not him!
I asked him where I fit into that scenario. After all, he had been a tiny bit receptive to our relationship as of late. It was very confusing, but gave me some hope every so often.
He told me that she was the person he had fun with, he skied and biked and hiked with. I was the person he came home to. I did his laundry, prepared his meals, did the dishes and the budget. .. I wanted to be the fun one.
One day he came home with a new sweatshirt. It smelled of a perfume I knew wasn't mine. It broke my heart yet again. I hated that sweatshirt and I hated Patagonia forever after that...and Coco Channel.
It was agonizing. One day as I was pondering (I did that a lot!!!) I thought about how much I did not like this woman! How much she was hurting me. Hurting my children. Hurting my husband. I guess Heavenly Father felt that there had been significant progress made in my spiritual growth and and that I was learning to trust Him so He taught me in that moment a startling thing. The spirit spoke to me and said "Heavenly Father loves her just as much as He loves you." Oh, WOW! It didn't hurt nearly as much as I would have thought it would because it was from Him and it taught me that if He could love her with all she was doing and all the pain her actions were causing our family then he surely could love me. Not that I was anybody, but it helped me understand.
My therapist suggested that I pray for Him to carry her burden. I was excited as I thought that perhaps my prayers could bring her healing. I was going to bless her life because I was a good person and was going to pray for her! I felt quite powerful until I realized one night that I was really asking Him to forgive her. It struck me then that I must learn to forgive her as well. That was painful. They were still very much involved yet I knew I must learn to forgive. But having been praying for her burden to be light had contributed to mine being lighter! There was hope that with Father's help I could pull this off.
I imagined Heavenly Father and my Savior with their arms around me. I allowed myself to feel the love they had for me though I felt completely unlovable. And I even allowed myself to feel the love They had for her.
I was feeling some healing and my husband noticed it. He was really torn between his need for her and his need for the peace he could see developing in me.
But there were some very tough days ahead. Yet I was learning in Whom I could and must trust.
"I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me! Many of those around me might indeed get better too, since we seldom see how much we are a key part of a negative relationship pattern. ...I used to think if I were worthy enough and worked hard enough and exercised enough anxiety (which is not the same thing as faith), I could change anything. But I learned that my power and my control were illusions. I learned that to survive emotionally I had to turn my life over to the care of that tender Heavenly Father who was really in charge.
"...God designed marriage as a refuge--two people tenderly caring for each other through life's experiences---but also as a tutorial in love. Each has something to teach the other, and the learning is usually not easy. If marriage is not seen as a tutorial in love, a preparation for living in eternity, Satan can rend the marriage by causing the partners to focus on what is unimportant and on the ever dangerous goal of self-fulfillment.
"And so marriage, perhaps more than any other relationship--because it is more intimate than any other---is our greatest spiritual challenge and has the greatest potential, along with parenthood, to make godly beings of us. We must leave off trying to perfect our spouse and study how best to apply the principles of love in ourselves.
"...The moment when a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. It is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain.
"...My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come; hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods."
M. Catherine Thomas (Spiritual Lightening pp. 62,63)
Could I, strengthened by His love, bless our marriage???? Would we survive this? And if we didn't, would I be able to exist without him?
This night they were walking arm in arm. I really didn't know what to do. What do you do? I just followed them. Eventually they headed up an escalator and he happened to turn around and he spotted me. I gave him a signal like "get down here right now!!!!" I didn't follow him up until I realized he wasn't coming back down as fast as I thought he should. I followed him up and though he denied it I saw him kiss her and off she went. I went up to him and put my arm through his like we were just fine. If she was watching I wanted her to be worried. He was not amused. I knew there were plenty of people who knew us who could easily see them together in the airport. As I said before, he did not care. Probably a year or two later a friend told me she had seen him with her there.
Each time I visited my therapist I felt more and more empowered. It's kind of like going to the temple and being filled with the incredible joy there and a desire to keep that spirit only to leave and within a very short time feel the world all around you again. You really have to work to keep those great, healing feelings. I was learning strategies to help me heal. One thing I was learning was to let myself feel joy even if it was for only minutes a day. When I was in the deepest depression I would try to fill myself with joy. I would smile and breathe deeply as though filling my soul with happiness. It felt so good, but it was very hard to sustain. The relationship was just so hard and relentlessly took its toll.
Every so often there were hopeful signs that he just might end it with her. But he always went back. He was reading a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" or something close to that. At least he was willing to acknowledge that they might not be "soul mates"....that the relationship might just be compelling.
My therapist called it a "vehicle of emancipation"...his attempt to become free. Free from the feeling that all relationships were a matter of control. We all need to break that cycle sometime in our lives of succumbing to the control of others to prove we love them. Its' draining. But we can't seem to separate love and control so we let our parents, spouse, the church control us until we just can't take it anymore and we find that vehicle to bring us the freedom we long for. There is a better way....
But I digress.
He was addicted. One day he very calmly told me that he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with her. His very life seemed to depend on it. she, he explained to me, was his only friend. funny...I thought a friend was someone who helped you be who you should be. I thought a friend brought out the best in you. He wasn't even who he really was when with her. This was not him!
I asked him where I fit into that scenario. After all, he had been a tiny bit receptive to our relationship as of late. It was very confusing, but gave me some hope every so often.
He told me that she was the person he had fun with, he skied and biked and hiked with. I was the person he came home to. I did his laundry, prepared his meals, did the dishes and the budget. .. I wanted to be the fun one.
One day he came home with a new sweatshirt. It smelled of a perfume I knew wasn't mine. It broke my heart yet again. I hated that sweatshirt and I hated Patagonia forever after that...and Coco Channel.
It was agonizing. One day as I was pondering (I did that a lot!!!) I thought about how much I did not like this woman! How much she was hurting me. Hurting my children. Hurting my husband. I guess Heavenly Father felt that there had been significant progress made in my spiritual growth and and that I was learning to trust Him so He taught me in that moment a startling thing. The spirit spoke to me and said "Heavenly Father loves her just as much as He loves you." Oh, WOW! It didn't hurt nearly as much as I would have thought it would because it was from Him and it taught me that if He could love her with all she was doing and all the pain her actions were causing our family then he surely could love me. Not that I was anybody, but it helped me understand.
My therapist suggested that I pray for Him to carry her burden. I was excited as I thought that perhaps my prayers could bring her healing. I was going to bless her life because I was a good person and was going to pray for her! I felt quite powerful until I realized one night that I was really asking Him to forgive her. It struck me then that I must learn to forgive her as well. That was painful. They were still very much involved yet I knew I must learn to forgive. But having been praying for her burden to be light had contributed to mine being lighter! There was hope that with Father's help I could pull this off.
I imagined Heavenly Father and my Savior with their arms around me. I allowed myself to feel the love they had for me though I felt completely unlovable. And I even allowed myself to feel the love They had for her.
I was feeling some healing and my husband noticed it. He was really torn between his need for her and his need for the peace he could see developing in me.
But there were some very tough days ahead. Yet I was learning in Whom I could and must trust.
"I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me! Many of those around me might indeed get better too, since we seldom see how much we are a key part of a negative relationship pattern. ...I used to think if I were worthy enough and worked hard enough and exercised enough anxiety (which is not the same thing as faith), I could change anything. But I learned that my power and my control were illusions. I learned that to survive emotionally I had to turn my life over to the care of that tender Heavenly Father who was really in charge.
"...God designed marriage as a refuge--two people tenderly caring for each other through life's experiences---but also as a tutorial in love. Each has something to teach the other, and the learning is usually not easy. If marriage is not seen as a tutorial in love, a preparation for living in eternity, Satan can rend the marriage by causing the partners to focus on what is unimportant and on the ever dangerous goal of self-fulfillment.
"And so marriage, perhaps more than any other relationship--because it is more intimate than any other---is our greatest spiritual challenge and has the greatest potential, along with parenthood, to make godly beings of us. We must leave off trying to perfect our spouse and study how best to apply the principles of love in ourselves.
"...The moment when a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. It is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain.
"...My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come; hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods."
M. Catherine Thomas (Spiritual Lightening pp. 62,63)
Could I, strengthened by His love, bless our marriage???? Would we survive this? And if we didn't, would I be able to exist without him?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
oops.
"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body , and in your spirit, which are God's"
" Our soul is what is a stake here...The purchase price for our fullness of joy---body and spirit eternally united===is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, its' my life," or worse yet "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
" Our soul is what is a stake here...The purchase price for our fullness of joy---body and spirit eternally united===is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, its' my life," or worse yet "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I know thee by name
I remember a day that I was sitting in our kitchen. I was so tired. So overwhelmed. So, so sad. The feelings welled up in me until I felt that I would burst. How could one continue day in and day out to live with such pain? I thought "There is no way I could explain to anyone what this feels like. The pain, the anguish is beyond description." It was the first time I ever remember receiving such directed revelation. The Spirit said to me "Your Savior knows exactly what you are feeling." I knew it was revelation because I had NO idea that He could know what I felt. I had often contemplated the atoning sacrifice of our Savior but it always ended with me thinking that, while He suffered great physical agony, He certainly never experienced divorce, cancer, betrayal by a spouse, physical or sexual abuse or many other human experiences. This was new to me and I was in awe.
First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!
I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.
I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "
I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?
And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.
I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?
Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."
I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?
One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.
I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”
I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.
I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.
I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.
When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.
But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.
First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!
I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.
I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "
I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?
And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.
I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?
Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."
I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?
One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.
I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”
I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.
I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.
I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.
When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.
But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Sacred Message
Jacob 2: 31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.
34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.
35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.
32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.
34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.
35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
With God All Things are Possible
I had read many books during these dark days. The Case Against Divorce, What Really Works with Men, How to Get Him Back From the Other Woman to name a few. They had some pretty good ideas and I tried many things to win him back. I put my heart out there for him to stomp on. Usually he did and I wanted to give up hope. But something kept me going.
By now I knew I couldn't change him but I realized that I could change myself. I was not going to blame myself for his choice to forsake his covenants, and betray me but I knew I could become a kinder, gentler, more patient and loving person. Over the years I had let his indifference develop a wall of sorts around my heart. Now, with my marriage in great jeopardy, I was determined that I would change and that he would notice.
The books helped. I tried a lot of different techniques to keep him around. Nothing seemed to work. I had to fight the urge to despair and give up. I just felt I had to be proactive.
One day I obtained a room at a quaint hotel. Prior to this I had gone to several stores and purchased items like flowers, a fruit tray, sparkling cider, lotion, candy etc. I left a note for him that said to follow the instructions contained in each envelope. Each would send him to a different store to pick up the items I had purchased. The last envelope had the key to the hotel room. I was already there with soft music playing and dozens of candles lit. I was absolutely terrified. What if he didn't show. Or what if he did but he was mad or cold. I waited. He came. We actually had a very special evening and were able to talk and just relax. But 3 days later it was apparent that he was with her still and I felt absurd. What had I been thinking? It would be much, much later that I would realize that every little thing I tried had a positive effect. It just wasn't always noticeable immediately. But for now I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally demolished.
The therapist I had been trying to get him an appointment with finally called.
He wouldn't go. He said he was fine with the therapist he was seeing. I was deflated. I had great hope that this other therapist would make the difference. Would make him see the correct path. Would tell him what an idiot he was being.
I was embarrassed that after calling and calling trying to get an appointment for him he wouldn't go so I decided that rather than waste the appointment I would go. I left that session with my head reeling. The things this man taught me gave me hope!
I told him of the affair and my husband wanting a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I did not want a divorce.
My husband had asked me why I loved him. I couldn't think of why. Is that odd? I had to question whether I just couldn't take the rejection or if I truly loved him. I had been hurt by him repeatedly over the years. Had I truly built up a wall?
When I told the therapist I didn't want my husband to leave me he replied "well, don't let him go." That completely boggled my mind. How could I possibly make him stay? How could I stop him? It sounded absurd. "What if he packs his bags ?" I asked. "Sit on his bag and don't let him go" he told me. What? How could I stop him. "What if he leaves anyway. He's stronger than I am!" "Camp out on his doorstep everyday." he said. What he was helping me see is that I had power in my life. NO ONE could take it from me. After feeling so powerless this was invigorating. I left feeling hope. He was a gestalt therapist. You know, you put someone (figuratively) in the chair and tell them 'You are my husband, and I am your wife. You have hurt me, betrayed me, stomped on my heart but I am not going to let your actions control me. I am going to love you. I choose to love you." I left empowered.
I know why people go to more than one therapy session. It didn't take long for my new sense of empowerment to wane. Being around my husband exhausted me. I would spend every moment that I had with him being nice and loving and patient and forgiving. Then he would leave and I would collapse, exhausted. I would cry. I would pray. And I started to search the scriptures looking for the love my Father had for me. Could He really love me?
It's a devastating thing when the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else on this earth doesn't. My self image was destroyed. But I had a new mantra. "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible." Luke 1:37
On the darkest days I would repeat that many times. It had to be true. What other hope was there?
People thought I was crazy. "why do you put up with him?" they would ask. "I would be gone!" they would say.
I would take long walks and ponder. One thing that continually went through my mind was a vision of the Savior and the love He exuded. The kind of love that people could feel by just being near him. I saw in my mind's eye my husband or anyone who was hurting and searching approach the Savior. I knew that in His presence they would feel safe and loved. It occurred to me that that is what my husband was truly searching for. Pure love. She was just a vehicle. What if I could show him that kind of love? I could only do that by knowing my Savior intimately so as to access His strength. So I read the helpful books less and less and read of our Savior more and more. The more I learned the more i hungered to know more. To know Him. To trust that He could actually love me. And to be able to share that love with others...especially with my husband.
"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our backs....If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
How do you do that when you hurt so much?
By now I knew I couldn't change him but I realized that I could change myself. I was not going to blame myself for his choice to forsake his covenants, and betray me but I knew I could become a kinder, gentler, more patient and loving person. Over the years I had let his indifference develop a wall of sorts around my heart. Now, with my marriage in great jeopardy, I was determined that I would change and that he would notice.
The books helped. I tried a lot of different techniques to keep him around. Nothing seemed to work. I had to fight the urge to despair and give up. I just felt I had to be proactive.
One day I obtained a room at a quaint hotel. Prior to this I had gone to several stores and purchased items like flowers, a fruit tray, sparkling cider, lotion, candy etc. I left a note for him that said to follow the instructions contained in each envelope. Each would send him to a different store to pick up the items I had purchased. The last envelope had the key to the hotel room. I was already there with soft music playing and dozens of candles lit. I was absolutely terrified. What if he didn't show. Or what if he did but he was mad or cold. I waited. He came. We actually had a very special evening and were able to talk and just relax. But 3 days later it was apparent that he was with her still and I felt absurd. What had I been thinking? It would be much, much later that I would realize that every little thing I tried had a positive effect. It just wasn't always noticeable immediately. But for now I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally demolished.
The therapist I had been trying to get him an appointment with finally called.
He wouldn't go. He said he was fine with the therapist he was seeing. I was deflated. I had great hope that this other therapist would make the difference. Would make him see the correct path. Would tell him what an idiot he was being.
I was embarrassed that after calling and calling trying to get an appointment for him he wouldn't go so I decided that rather than waste the appointment I would go. I left that session with my head reeling. The things this man taught me gave me hope!
I told him of the affair and my husband wanting a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I did not want a divorce.
My husband had asked me why I loved him. I couldn't think of why. Is that odd? I had to question whether I just couldn't take the rejection or if I truly loved him. I had been hurt by him repeatedly over the years. Had I truly built up a wall?
When I told the therapist I didn't want my husband to leave me he replied "well, don't let him go." That completely boggled my mind. How could I possibly make him stay? How could I stop him? It sounded absurd. "What if he packs his bags ?" I asked. "Sit on his bag and don't let him go" he told me. What? How could I stop him. "What if he leaves anyway. He's stronger than I am!" "Camp out on his doorstep everyday." he said. What he was helping me see is that I had power in my life. NO ONE could take it from me. After feeling so powerless this was invigorating. I left feeling hope. He was a gestalt therapist. You know, you put someone (figuratively) in the chair and tell them 'You are my husband, and I am your wife. You have hurt me, betrayed me, stomped on my heart but I am not going to let your actions control me. I am going to love you. I choose to love you." I left empowered.
I know why people go to more than one therapy session. It didn't take long for my new sense of empowerment to wane. Being around my husband exhausted me. I would spend every moment that I had with him being nice and loving and patient and forgiving. Then he would leave and I would collapse, exhausted. I would cry. I would pray. And I started to search the scriptures looking for the love my Father had for me. Could He really love me?
It's a devastating thing when the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else on this earth doesn't. My self image was destroyed. But I had a new mantra. "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible." Luke 1:37
On the darkest days I would repeat that many times. It had to be true. What other hope was there?
People thought I was crazy. "why do you put up with him?" they would ask. "I would be gone!" they would say.
I would take long walks and ponder. One thing that continually went through my mind was a vision of the Savior and the love He exuded. The kind of love that people could feel by just being near him. I saw in my mind's eye my husband or anyone who was hurting and searching approach the Savior. I knew that in His presence they would feel safe and loved. It occurred to me that that is what my husband was truly searching for. Pure love. She was just a vehicle. What if I could show him that kind of love? I could only do that by knowing my Savior intimately so as to access His strength. So I read the helpful books less and less and read of our Savior more and more. The more I learned the more i hungered to know more. To know Him. To trust that He could actually love me. And to be able to share that love with others...especially with my husband.
"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our backs....If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
How do you do that when you hurt so much?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The darkness of the abyss
Our son was due to return home from his mission. We had always planned to go to Japan to pick him up and so we went. My husband, our daughter and I. I was so excited to see my boy. Oh, how I had missed him. But I had this pain in my life that wasn't there when he left and it was all consuming. Still it was glorious when we first laid eyes on our missionary. While walking around Tokyo I found out that he told our boy that I had fallen into a deep depression when he left on his mission. I was sick that he told him that. I didn't want our son to end up blaming him being gone and the resultant depression I had for our problems and I thought my husband was laying the groundwork for being able to blame me for his affair. We hadn't told our son about any of this.
One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in. I expected her to tell me what to do. She didn't. I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me. I was hoping that I would just see him alone. But I knew I wouldn't. Sure enough they deplaned together.
I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?
There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!
One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in. I expected her to tell me what to do. She didn't. I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me. I was hoping that I would just see him alone. But I knew I wouldn't. Sure enough they deplaned together.
I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?
There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Hope dashed
"She" convinced him to meet her to tell her in person. Bad idea. She knew what would happen if they met. Sure enough he just couldn't end it. He didn't tell me this until later.
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless. I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on. But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless. I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on. But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
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