"Great is thy faithfulness, o God, my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with thee;
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.
As thou has been thou forever wilt be.
Pardon for sin and a peace that's enduring.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me."
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Where do we go from here?
"True learning---life-changing learning---cannot be obtained without an immersion in the font of personal experience. I am not just talking about a kind of common sense that inevitably comes with personal experience or the education acquired in the 'school of hard knocks,' but a deeply spiritual linking of experience and intelligence, 'or, in other words, light and truth' (D&C 93:36), that causes a person to see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and feel with a new heart." Brent Top, When You Can't Do it Alone p2.
It was all new. I was new. But we seemed to be two friends sharing a house. He didn't talk about his experiences, feelings, desires, goals. But it wasn't bad either. Still, so much was missing. I was really stumped as to why he had never apologized for how he had broken my heart and my trust. All I could guess was that he was not over her.
I am certain there are those of you reading this who find it interesting but do not for a moment think this could ever happen to you. You may be thinking that this all happened because I made a choice in the first place to marry out of the temple. I have friends whose husbands have had affairs. Some are still married, others are now divorced. They had temple marriages. Their husbands served in bishoprics and as Elder's Quorum presidents. I warn you that it can happen to anyone! Satan does not want us to be successful at that which he will never have. Therefore, he gives high priority to the destruction of the family. Give him the tiniest opening and he will try to get in. I am not trying to scare you or predict that this will happen in your family, but I am warning that none of us can afford to be comfortable in these last days. We must be constantly vigilant if we are to weather the storms of life. Just as we must have food and fuel for a possible catastrophe, we must have spiritual reserves for the days of adversity that will be part of all of our lives.
I read an article in the Ensign years ago that I have never forgotten. The author suggested 4 things we must do daily to keep evil at bay.
1) study scripture. The key word is study...ponder, pray search.
2) prayer. Not just saying a prayer but talking to our Father.
3) Serve others. Remember "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity" (Neal Maxwell).
4) Each day work on overcoming something you are struggling with. I call this repentance.
Doing all of this will not guarantee that adversity will not come into your life, but it will keep us from sin and help us be strong when adversity comes from the actions of others. We will be in tune to receive guidance, healing and strength from on high. We will not turn from our faith.
The next year is a blur. Day in and day out we existed together. Then, about a year after his ex-communication, he announced that he, along with a lot of others he worked with, had decided to leave their jobs at the airport and become flight attendants. We did not have a discussion about this, he just did it. Two weeks later he was on his way to Atlanta for 6 weeks of training. From there he would be based in New York indefinitely. I asked if she was going too. She had applied to be a flight attendant but had not made the cut. At least there was that. The day he left I sobbed the entire day. I would not see him for 6 weeks.
I continued to read and search for strength and answers. I continued to receive healing and love from on high.
How grateful I am for my Savior.
It was all new. I was new. But we seemed to be two friends sharing a house. He didn't talk about his experiences, feelings, desires, goals. But it wasn't bad either. Still, so much was missing. I was really stumped as to why he had never apologized for how he had broken my heart and my trust. All I could guess was that he was not over her.
I am certain there are those of you reading this who find it interesting but do not for a moment think this could ever happen to you. You may be thinking that this all happened because I made a choice in the first place to marry out of the temple. I have friends whose husbands have had affairs. Some are still married, others are now divorced. They had temple marriages. Their husbands served in bishoprics and as Elder's Quorum presidents. I warn you that it can happen to anyone! Satan does not want us to be successful at that which he will never have. Therefore, he gives high priority to the destruction of the family. Give him the tiniest opening and he will try to get in. I am not trying to scare you or predict that this will happen in your family, but I am warning that none of us can afford to be comfortable in these last days. We must be constantly vigilant if we are to weather the storms of life. Just as we must have food and fuel for a possible catastrophe, we must have spiritual reserves for the days of adversity that will be part of all of our lives.
I read an article in the Ensign years ago that I have never forgotten. The author suggested 4 things we must do daily to keep evil at bay.
1) study scripture. The key word is study...ponder, pray search.
2) prayer. Not just saying a prayer but talking to our Father.
3) Serve others. Remember "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity" (Neal Maxwell).
4) Each day work on overcoming something you are struggling with. I call this repentance.
Doing all of this will not guarantee that adversity will not come into your life, but it will keep us from sin and help us be strong when adversity comes from the actions of others. We will be in tune to receive guidance, healing and strength from on high. We will not turn from our faith.
The next year is a blur. Day in and day out we existed together. Then, about a year after his ex-communication, he announced that he, along with a lot of others he worked with, had decided to leave their jobs at the airport and become flight attendants. We did not have a discussion about this, he just did it. Two weeks later he was on his way to Atlanta for 6 weeks of training. From there he would be based in New York indefinitely. I asked if she was going too. She had applied to be a flight attendant but had not made the cut. At least there was that. The day he left I sobbed the entire day. I would not see him for 6 weeks.
I continued to read and search for strength and answers. I continued to receive healing and love from on high.
How grateful I am for my Savior.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I will bear you up.
The Divine Center by Stephen R. Covey was particularly helpful in teaching me how to find the strength, through our Savior's love, to love and treat with patience and kindness those who were causing such hurt to myself and my family, particularly my husband. Covey said "When we love God and Christ first, we will love our spouse more, not less---with more true love, more wisdom, and more charity. Divine-centeredness is literally the key to a celestial relationship. If we are true and faithful to the covenants we make with the Lord, we will have the security, guidance, wisdom, and power to deal with problems in the marriage."
Further he taught, "True love is found in the affirmation of another person's identity and stewardship, in seeking his or her growth and good, not in interpreting all the other person's responses in terms of one's own needs, hungers, or desires...The key is to see others, particularly so called enemies, as they truly are---children of our Heavenly Father, for whose sins the Savior also atoned as he did for ours."
As I attempted to see my husband in this light I felt increased courage, strength, love and peace. I was not embittered by feelings of anger, despair, frustration, fear and hurt. It felt....good. Of course, not being even close to perfect, there were good days and not so good ones. Days I could see and love him as our Savior did and days, more like moments perhaps, that I found that more difficult. Once he had made the decision to end his relationship with her, I hoped he would love me. He didn't as of yet. At least he didn't recognize that he might love me. Even though he wasn't seeing her, I knew he missed her---or at least the idea of her.
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
Further he taught, "True love is found in the affirmation of another person's identity and stewardship, in seeking his or her growth and good, not in interpreting all the other person's responses in terms of one's own needs, hungers, or desires...The key is to see others, particularly so called enemies, as they truly are---children of our Heavenly Father, for whose sins the Savior also atoned as he did for ours."
As I attempted to see my husband in this light I felt increased courage, strength, love and peace. I was not embittered by feelings of anger, despair, frustration, fear and hurt. It felt....good. Of course, not being even close to perfect, there were good days and not so good ones. Days I could see and love him as our Savior did and days, more like moments perhaps, that I found that more difficult. Once he had made the decision to end his relationship with her, I hoped he would love me. He didn't as of yet. At least he didn't recognize that he might love me. Even though he wasn't seeing her, I knew he missed her---or at least the idea of her.
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
Sunday, October 5, 2008
What would Father have me do?
He received a letter explaining just what his excommunication meant. It really didn't change anything as far as his current participation since he had distanced himself from the church some time before this and had no intention of returning to church activity. Still, it was devastating for me to read.
Several months after his excommunication our Stake President told me to stop by his work so he could talk to me. He said he had some ideas to run past me.
He told me that I deserved to be loved with a deep, intimate, eternal love. he suggested that I consider asking my husband to leave our home. He felt that this would make him hit rock bottom, realize what he was missing and want to come back. When he told me he wanted to come back I was to tell him to call the stake president and he would tell him what he would need to do to get his family back including starting on the path to membership in the church.
I left this meeting with a deeply troubled heart. Was I so lacking in faith that I couldn't trust that this would lead him back to where I desired and he needed to be? I struggled for days wanting to obey my priesthood leader but not feeling this was right. I tried to pray about it but continued to feel very troubled and dark. I talked this over with my therapist. I told him of my struggle to even pray about this because it just depressed me to think about it. H suggested I turn it around. Since I couldn't pray if the decision to have him leave was right perhaps I should pray if having him stay was right.
One day I was walking into the temple pondering this and desiring to know God's will, when in my minds eye the following scene played out. I saw the pre-existance with a group of people full of joy in anticipation of our journey to Earth. As we anxiously awaited our turn for Earth life Heavenly Father entered the picture. We were excited to be in His presence as we gathered around Him. He greeted us all with love in His voice and on His face. Then he got very serious. he told us that He needed a volunteer to go to Earth very soon. We all looked at each other and wondered who would be the lucky one. We loved each other and our excitement was coupled with feelings of sadness at our temporary separation. We understood, however, that the Earth experience would be but a moment in our Heavenly time line. Father continued. He explained that the experience of the person who accepts this calling would be a difficult one, more so that for the rest of us in this gathering. This person would not have the advantage of being raised in a home with the gospel. This person's parents would have struggles which would make it difficult for them to nurture this person as a child. We began to look around at each others' faces, people we loved and had been with for eons. We realized it will only be for a moment, yet would we learn all we needed to and make it safely home, back to each other and this place we loved, under such difficult circumstances? It grew quiet as we each pondered the information Heavenly Father was giving us. Before any of us could speak one stood up and walked over to Father. He was almost nonchalant. He took Father by the hand. "I'll go," he said, no fear in his voice, just grateful for the opportunity to experience Earth life so he could become like Father. We gathered around him, full of love and admiration, to offer our congratulations on his imminent departure. I stood forward and said "don't worry, I will find you and I will help you back." The others surrounding him responded with "we will, too." He smiled and said "I know you will." Heavenly Father hugged him and asked us all "What if the way gets very painful and very difficult?" We answered "We will never give up. Not ever!"
At this moment as I entered the temple I knew I had my answer. I must not give up! It was much later that I realized the others surrounding my husband as he prepared to leave our heavenly home were our children and extended family and friends. I knew it would take a united effort to help him home. But not just him. We are to help each other as well.
It was after this that I went to Father in prayer asking whether it was His will that I stay in this marriage and not ask my husband to leave. I felt immediate peace. I had my answer.
3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.
Still, the road was too be very difficult.
I read the following by Stephen R. Covey:
"In a class of 6 year olds...one of them asked 'What's a yoke?" The teacher immediately began composing in her mind the answer about animals being yoked together to pull a wagon, and about a frame for the shoulders that would help a person carry milk cans or some other burden. But before she could respond to the question, a little girl spoke up in a soft voice. "Jesus' yoke is when he puts his arms around your neck," she said. And so it is, for his yoke truly bring 'rest unto your souls." If even one of the partners in an unequally yoked marriage is truly centered on Christ and yoked up to him primarily, then that person's entire perception of the situation will change. He or she will have the security, guidance, wisdom and power to do whatever is necessary in the Lord's way and in the Lord's time for as long as necessary in an effort to bless the other and help and inspire him to become equally yoked to Christ.
"In the process, the person yoked to Christ will perceive the other's weaknesses with compassion rather than with accusation. He will give grace in the form of kindness, patience, understanding, and unconditional love. Such attitudes and behavior will not guarantee that the other will ultimately respond in kind, but they will maximize that likelihood." The Divine Center.
I could not go on one minute without my Savior's arms around me. Gratefully, He was always near!
Several months after his excommunication our Stake President told me to stop by his work so he could talk to me. He said he had some ideas to run past me.
He told me that I deserved to be loved with a deep, intimate, eternal love. he suggested that I consider asking my husband to leave our home. He felt that this would make him hit rock bottom, realize what he was missing and want to come back. When he told me he wanted to come back I was to tell him to call the stake president and he would tell him what he would need to do to get his family back including starting on the path to membership in the church.
I left this meeting with a deeply troubled heart. Was I so lacking in faith that I couldn't trust that this would lead him back to where I desired and he needed to be? I struggled for days wanting to obey my priesthood leader but not feeling this was right. I tried to pray about it but continued to feel very troubled and dark. I talked this over with my therapist. I told him of my struggle to even pray about this because it just depressed me to think about it. H suggested I turn it around. Since I couldn't pray if the decision to have him leave was right perhaps I should pray if having him stay was right.
One day I was walking into the temple pondering this and desiring to know God's will, when in my minds eye the following scene played out. I saw the pre-existance with a group of people full of joy in anticipation of our journey to Earth. As we anxiously awaited our turn for Earth life Heavenly Father entered the picture. We were excited to be in His presence as we gathered around Him. He greeted us all with love in His voice and on His face. Then he got very serious. he told us that He needed a volunteer to go to Earth very soon. We all looked at each other and wondered who would be the lucky one. We loved each other and our excitement was coupled with feelings of sadness at our temporary separation. We understood, however, that the Earth experience would be but a moment in our Heavenly time line. Father continued. He explained that the experience of the person who accepts this calling would be a difficult one, more so that for the rest of us in this gathering. This person would not have the advantage of being raised in a home with the gospel. This person's parents would have struggles which would make it difficult for them to nurture this person as a child. We began to look around at each others' faces, people we loved and had been with for eons. We realized it will only be for a moment, yet would we learn all we needed to and make it safely home, back to each other and this place we loved, under such difficult circumstances? It grew quiet as we each pondered the information Heavenly Father was giving us. Before any of us could speak one stood up and walked over to Father. He was almost nonchalant. He took Father by the hand. "I'll go," he said, no fear in his voice, just grateful for the opportunity to experience Earth life so he could become like Father. We gathered around him, full of love and admiration, to offer our congratulations on his imminent departure. I stood forward and said "don't worry, I will find you and I will help you back." The others surrounding him responded with "we will, too." He smiled and said "I know you will." Heavenly Father hugged him and asked us all "What if the way gets very painful and very difficult?" We answered "We will never give up. Not ever!"
At this moment as I entered the temple I knew I had my answer. I must not give up! It was much later that I realized the others surrounding my husband as he prepared to leave our heavenly home were our children and extended family and friends. I knew it would take a united effort to help him home. But not just him. We are to help each other as well.
It was after this that I went to Father in prayer asking whether it was His will that I stay in this marriage and not ask my husband to leave. I felt immediate peace. I had my answer.
3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.
Still, the road was too be very difficult.
I read the following by Stephen R. Covey:
"In a class of 6 year olds...one of them asked 'What's a yoke?" The teacher immediately began composing in her mind the answer about animals being yoked together to pull a wagon, and about a frame for the shoulders that would help a person carry milk cans or some other burden. But before she could respond to the question, a little girl spoke up in a soft voice. "Jesus' yoke is when he puts his arms around your neck," she said. And so it is, for his yoke truly bring 'rest unto your souls." If even one of the partners in an unequally yoked marriage is truly centered on Christ and yoked up to him primarily, then that person's entire perception of the situation will change. He or she will have the security, guidance, wisdom and power to do whatever is necessary in the Lord's way and in the Lord's time for as long as necessary in an effort to bless the other and help and inspire him to become equally yoked to Christ.
"In the process, the person yoked to Christ will perceive the other's weaknesses with compassion rather than with accusation. He will give grace in the form of kindness, patience, understanding, and unconditional love. Such attitudes and behavior will not guarantee that the other will ultimately respond in kind, but they will maximize that likelihood." The Divine Center.
I could not go on one minute without my Savior's arms around me. Gratefully, He was always near!
Friday, October 3, 2008
It is over.
He said the relationship was over. But could I really trust that? He didn't end it because he loved me. Still he didn't leave me either. It was very confusing. I could only guess at what he was thinking. The last thing he wanted me to think is that I had won him back and so he just avoided the subject. And so it went from day to day, month to month. It nearly drove me mad!
It had been a year and a half since his affair began when a knock came to the door. Our Stake President handed him a letter explaining that a church court would be convened the following day. It said he could attend if he wanted to. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should go with him. He prepared a statement to read explaining why he did what he did. It didn't really contain remorse. Not that he didn't feel some kind of remorse, but it was more about trying to make 15 really strong, religious men understand where a guy like him was coming from. Here is what it said:
"Are you familiar with the word dissociated? Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that it is an emotional state that can be demonstrated by doing something that you do not personally believe in. Perhaps an example would be a real estate agent selling a home that he doesn't believe to be in particularly good shape and it is also at an inflated price but the salesman pushes it because it is his broker's directive to get this and all other homes moving. A more direct example is when I pretended to love people because the Savior did and it was a commandment and all. But you can't force love. You can't make your emotions be obedient by force. All you can do is pretend to be enthusiastic and maybe you will be enthusiastic eventually. It didn't work for me and I don't think it works for many people. All you get is people faking it.
"Kindness I can do. Listening I can do. Lending a physical hand to someone who needs some help materially I can do. I can't fake the feeling of love. I couldn't even love my family. I let my wife do everything in that department. I got tired of not being me when even my wife got tired of making me feel good, happy, entertained. I found someone else who would. Sex was a part of it. Not a big part but part of the attraction.
"I don't know if I can express myself unless I give you a little background. I know that if I talk in sociological terms most of you will get it but I have spent many years listening to people in church talk and [then] converting over into a form that I can understand. If I hear [our Stake President] or Marvin Ashton say, 'the restored Gospel here on Earth has brought joy and enrichment to the lives of millions of people worldwide,' I might express that by saying 'form adds meaning to life,' to myself. I personally like hearing 'the restored Gospel here on Earth...' version but part of my personal mission is my need to make sense of the world around me and this is how I do it.
"Several years ago, when I was only 17-18-19, I started to think about talents I had and talents that I thought would be useful to me and I figuratively started collecting attitudes, traits and ideas that were going to be useful. The ones I had that I couldn't use right now I put into a bag that I carried behind me. I got married and had two kinds and one of the traits I kept was my devotion to be an objective and dispassionate social scientist even though that wasn't my job for employment. I decided that the Church had all the elements I needed to help me through the ordeal of raising kids and marriage in general. Unfortunately for my wife I did not express feelings and thoughts at all. I kept them to myself for a variety of reasons. My wife didn't feel very nourished by this but threw herself into the task of raising the children wholeheartedly, receiving her social nourishment from Relief Society, children, friends. At the end of twenty years marriage, we had a boy on a mission and a daughter who wasn't interested in interacting with her mother on the same old terms. My wife became depressed and stopped struggling with me for a form of attention, a form of love. I missed the struggle, but to me this was a signal that I could at last start to be my own person and not be saddled with all of the old roles I had been forced to assume for the last 20 years. The tireless provider, the good father,the aloof but cheerful neighbor. At the same time, I turned 42 and it is an absolutely normal part of the male psyche to re-evaluate life at that time. There is only 10-15 years of work life left and sometimes, that bag that you have carried behind you for 20 years has things in it that want to come out. After being in the bag for 20 years, some of those things are not happy at being there for so long, festering in the darkness. Perhaps, these traits and qualities should not be brought out but once you do, you can either run away, wall them up or resolve them. since they were part of my soul, my newly discovered sense of soul, there was no way I was going to put them back in the bag.
"About that time I found someone else who was also going through some of the same re-evaluation. The relationship was rich, loving and full of fantasy. The most important part to me was not the physical, it was the relationship. The fantasy also had an unconscious agreement that I would have to give up my church membership. It didn't fit. She had a social definition of the Church that was somehow painful to her and she didn't want to have any part of it. My understanding level didn't differentiate between church and faith, so I gave up my faith in Jesus along with my activity in the church. I gave up my family and my wife's family in thought and deed. I gave up my interest in home and friends. I felt condemned by my own infidelity with no route home. Eventually I gave up my career momentum and took a lesser position where I could function on a lower level. The richness of the fantasy has also been accompanied by considerable psychic and emotional discomfort and in some ways it resembled an addiction.
"Through some outside coaching I have been able to visualize a loving God who will not let me into the Kingdom because I have not lived up to my covenant and at the same time, a loving, merciful Jesus who has taken on my sins and has said He will stand for me with Jehovah. I feel closer to Jesus at this time than I have ever been. I don't use the Holy Ghost or depend on it consciously, but I have a faith in God, Jesus Christ and the truthfulness of the interaction that occurred between Joseph Smith and the divine personage, Jesus. The church is true in all of its aspects, I just don't find it necessary for me to take part anymore than I want to or personally find value in. Wherever that leaves me, in your eyes, that's where I am."
He did not read the statement. What happened in that court upset him to a point of feeling utterly betrayed by what he considered private, confidential information he had shared with our Stake President being revealed and shared with all in attendance. He could not speak. While they deliberated his fate in the Church he sat in the hall pleading with God that he not be excommunicated. He sat and prayed for the 1/2 hour it took. Finally they called him back into the room and announced that the decision was that he was to lose his membership in the Church. Then they had him walk around the table so that each member of the Stake Presidency and High Council could express their love to him. He did not feel loved.
I sat at home feeling sick to my stomach. When he told me the decision I was deeply saddened but believed it to be Father's will, for these were all men I loved, trusted and revered.
I think he thought that stopping the behavior was enough. He did not understand a broken heart and contrite spirit. He did not understand a new start. Still, I had hope that he would continue to heal and would understand one day and return.
Happiness has to come from within. It has to come from a knowledge of, and reliance on our Savior's love. I know He loves me. I know He loves my husband.
My Stake President called me into his office. He asked me to trust him that if he ever felt inspired to tell me I should leave my husband that I would be able to do so. I was deeply troubled!
1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
I loved my husband. I loved my God.
It had been a year and a half since his affair began when a knock came to the door. Our Stake President handed him a letter explaining that a church court would be convened the following day. It said he could attend if he wanted to. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should go with him. He prepared a statement to read explaining why he did what he did. It didn't really contain remorse. Not that he didn't feel some kind of remorse, but it was more about trying to make 15 really strong, religious men understand where a guy like him was coming from. Here is what it said:
"Are you familiar with the word dissociated? Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that it is an emotional state that can be demonstrated by doing something that you do not personally believe in. Perhaps an example would be a real estate agent selling a home that he doesn't believe to be in particularly good shape and it is also at an inflated price but the salesman pushes it because it is his broker's directive to get this and all other homes moving. A more direct example is when I pretended to love people because the Savior did and it was a commandment and all. But you can't force love. You can't make your emotions be obedient by force. All you can do is pretend to be enthusiastic and maybe you will be enthusiastic eventually. It didn't work for me and I don't think it works for many people. All you get is people faking it.
"Kindness I can do. Listening I can do. Lending a physical hand to someone who needs some help materially I can do. I can't fake the feeling of love. I couldn't even love my family. I let my wife do everything in that department. I got tired of not being me when even my wife got tired of making me feel good, happy, entertained. I found someone else who would. Sex was a part of it. Not a big part but part of the attraction.
"I don't know if I can express myself unless I give you a little background. I know that if I talk in sociological terms most of you will get it but I have spent many years listening to people in church talk and [then] converting over into a form that I can understand. If I hear [our Stake President] or Marvin Ashton say, 'the restored Gospel here on Earth has brought joy and enrichment to the lives of millions of people worldwide,' I might express that by saying 'form adds meaning to life,' to myself. I personally like hearing 'the restored Gospel here on Earth...' version but part of my personal mission is my need to make sense of the world around me and this is how I do it.
"Several years ago, when I was only 17-18-19, I started to think about talents I had and talents that I thought would be useful to me and I figuratively started collecting attitudes, traits and ideas that were going to be useful. The ones I had that I couldn't use right now I put into a bag that I carried behind me. I got married and had two kinds and one of the traits I kept was my devotion to be an objective and dispassionate social scientist even though that wasn't my job for employment. I decided that the Church had all the elements I needed to help me through the ordeal of raising kids and marriage in general. Unfortunately for my wife I did not express feelings and thoughts at all. I kept them to myself for a variety of reasons. My wife didn't feel very nourished by this but threw herself into the task of raising the children wholeheartedly, receiving her social nourishment from Relief Society, children, friends. At the end of twenty years marriage, we had a boy on a mission and a daughter who wasn't interested in interacting with her mother on the same old terms. My wife became depressed and stopped struggling with me for a form of attention, a form of love. I missed the struggle, but to me this was a signal that I could at last start to be my own person and not be saddled with all of the old roles I had been forced to assume for the last 20 years. The tireless provider, the good father,the aloof but cheerful neighbor. At the same time, I turned 42 and it is an absolutely normal part of the male psyche to re-evaluate life at that time. There is only 10-15 years of work life left and sometimes, that bag that you have carried behind you for 20 years has things in it that want to come out. After being in the bag for 20 years, some of those things are not happy at being there for so long, festering in the darkness. Perhaps, these traits and qualities should not be brought out but once you do, you can either run away, wall them up or resolve them. since they were part of my soul, my newly discovered sense of soul, there was no way I was going to put them back in the bag.
"About that time I found someone else who was also going through some of the same re-evaluation. The relationship was rich, loving and full of fantasy. The most important part to me was not the physical, it was the relationship. The fantasy also had an unconscious agreement that I would have to give up my church membership. It didn't fit. She had a social definition of the Church that was somehow painful to her and she didn't want to have any part of it. My understanding level didn't differentiate between church and faith, so I gave up my faith in Jesus along with my activity in the church. I gave up my family and my wife's family in thought and deed. I gave up my interest in home and friends. I felt condemned by my own infidelity with no route home. Eventually I gave up my career momentum and took a lesser position where I could function on a lower level. The richness of the fantasy has also been accompanied by considerable psychic and emotional discomfort and in some ways it resembled an addiction.
"Through some outside coaching I have been able to visualize a loving God who will not let me into the Kingdom because I have not lived up to my covenant and at the same time, a loving, merciful Jesus who has taken on my sins and has said He will stand for me with Jehovah. I feel closer to Jesus at this time than I have ever been. I don't use the Holy Ghost or depend on it consciously, but I have a faith in God, Jesus Christ and the truthfulness of the interaction that occurred between Joseph Smith and the divine personage, Jesus. The church is true in all of its aspects, I just don't find it necessary for me to take part anymore than I want to or personally find value in. Wherever that leaves me, in your eyes, that's where I am."
He did not read the statement. What happened in that court upset him to a point of feeling utterly betrayed by what he considered private, confidential information he had shared with our Stake President being revealed and shared with all in attendance. He could not speak. While they deliberated his fate in the Church he sat in the hall pleading with God that he not be excommunicated. He sat and prayed for the 1/2 hour it took. Finally they called him back into the room and announced that the decision was that he was to lose his membership in the Church. Then they had him walk around the table so that each member of the Stake Presidency and High Council could express their love to him. He did not feel loved.
I sat at home feeling sick to my stomach. When he told me the decision I was deeply saddened but believed it to be Father's will, for these were all men I loved, trusted and revered.
I think he thought that stopping the behavior was enough. He did not understand a broken heart and contrite spirit. He did not understand a new start. Still, I had hope that he would continue to heal and would understand one day and return.
Happiness has to come from within. It has to come from a knowledge of, and reliance on our Savior's love. I know He loves me. I know He loves my husband.
My Stake President called me into his office. He asked me to trust him that if he ever felt inspired to tell me I should leave my husband that I would be able to do so. I was deeply troubled!
1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
I loved my husband. I loved my God.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
It gave me courage...
As I mentioned, I was reading anything I could get my hands on that might give me hope for our marriage. I came across this from Carlfred Broderick. I, again, received a confirmation that I was doing what Father would have me do. Hard, painful, difficult, but what He wanted for me and for "him"...and for our family. It may not be the path for everyone but it was my path. Here's what I read:
"The term "savior on Mount Zion" is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. Truly, Saints who selflessly devote themselves to genealogical and temple work deserve the title. They perform Christlike service in lovingly opening the gates of exaltation to others who without their work would not have that opportunity.
But I believe that the term might also be applied to another group of the Saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own household.
I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling two women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn't "take," and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all of the minor vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father's life-style rather than their mother's. I watched this good sister struggle with her rebellious family over the years, and I am ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also, I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children. In short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices (as I had, for example) her life would have turned out better (as mine had, for example).
It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward that sister. The Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was the relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. She had (perhaps rashly) volunteered to live her life in the front lines, as it were, of the continuing battle for men's souls. Twice, the Lord continued, she had been given the option of an honorable release from this difficult assignment. (After the blessing she confirmed this.) Twice she had been on the operating table at death's door and was given the free option of coming home or going back to face her challenging responsibilities. Twice she had squared her shoulders and returned to her difficult family. In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband and her children despite their rebellious spirits and that if they were to have any chance at all it would be because of her Christlike patience and long-suffering with them.
When I took my hands off her head I bowed my head in shame, realizing that I stood in the presence of one of the Lord's great ones, truly a savior on Mount Zion.
True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone's surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was helped by his elder brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for a temple marriage. Her daughters are slower to turn around, but I begin to see some softening there. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order (no action yet, but I am prepared to believe in miracles in this family).
The other case involved a man who came from a stable Latter-day Saint family background and a wife who was a convert. Together they were rearing a quartet of healthy young boys. Their problem was the wife's recurrent bouts with anxiety and depression. We got into her background and discovered that she had been raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a neurotically sick mother who stayed in bed all the time and let her little girl do all of the cooking and cleaning. She confessed that she was still full of rage at her parents for so badly abusing her and full of envy for others who had experienced a normal, loving family relationship. She said that on several occasions when she had seen little girls being hugged and kissed by their loving fathers in Church she had to get up and leave. "The Lord knew what he was doing," she confessed, "when he sent me only boys to raise. Girls would have been too hard."
Then she turned to me and said, "Where is the justice? How can God pretend to be just and send some little girls into homes where they are loved and petted and made to feel like somebody and others into homes where they are beat and molested and abused and neglected? What did I do in the pre-earth life to deserve such a family?"
I felt inspired at that time to tell her that she had volunteered in the preexistence to be a savior on Mount Zion, to come to a family drowning in sickness and sin and to be the means of purifying that lineage. Before her in that line were generations of ugly, destructive, family relationships. Downstream from her purifying influence every generation would be blessed with light and love. The role of a savior, I said, is to suffer innocently for the sins of others that still others may not suffer. There can be no higher calling.
She knew by the Spirit that what I suggested was true. That perspective gave her the strength to get on with her life. The last time I heard from her she had also exercised her prerogative to purify her line backward through temple work and was working hard on bringing her parents to see the light.
I suspect that many of us, more than most would ever guess, have made such premortal choices and accepted such divinely demanding missions. More than once I have felt impressed to tell a righteous, long-suffering person that although his or her mate had provided legitimate grounds for divorce and a later cancellation of sealing, that it would please the Lord if the person would refuse to abandon the assignment to help shepherd that straying soul back to the fold. Occasionally someone says to me, "But don't I have any right to happiness?" The answer, of course, is that for those of us in the service of the Lord, the happiness comes from the service and from the close relationship to our Master that goes with it. If one is looking for a happy, settled, unchallenging life, one probably ought to choose a different master.
I am not suggesting that there are never grounds for separation or divorce. I am suggesting that only the Lord can righteously release us from a responsibility we received from him. "
One Flesh, One Heart: Putting Celestial Love into Your Temple Marriage
by Carlfred Broderick
I didn't feel like "one of the great ones" but I was encouraged.
"The term "savior on Mount Zion" is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. Truly, Saints who selflessly devote themselves to genealogical and temple work deserve the title. They perform Christlike service in lovingly opening the gates of exaltation to others who without their work would not have that opportunity.
But I believe that the term might also be applied to another group of the Saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own household.
I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling two women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn't "take," and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all of the minor vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father's life-style rather than their mother's. I watched this good sister struggle with her rebellious family over the years, and I am ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also, I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children. In short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices (as I had, for example) her life would have turned out better (as mine had, for example).
It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward that sister. The Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was the relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. She had (perhaps rashly) volunteered to live her life in the front lines, as it were, of the continuing battle for men's souls. Twice, the Lord continued, she had been given the option of an honorable release from this difficult assignment. (After the blessing she confirmed this.) Twice she had been on the operating table at death's door and was given the free option of coming home or going back to face her challenging responsibilities. Twice she had squared her shoulders and returned to her difficult family. In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband and her children despite their rebellious spirits and that if they were to have any chance at all it would be because of her Christlike patience and long-suffering with them.
When I took my hands off her head I bowed my head in shame, realizing that I stood in the presence of one of the Lord's great ones, truly a savior on Mount Zion.
True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone's surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was helped by his elder brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for a temple marriage. Her daughters are slower to turn around, but I begin to see some softening there. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order (no action yet, but I am prepared to believe in miracles in this family).
The other case involved a man who came from a stable Latter-day Saint family background and a wife who was a convert. Together they were rearing a quartet of healthy young boys. Their problem was the wife's recurrent bouts with anxiety and depression. We got into her background and discovered that she had been raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a neurotically sick mother who stayed in bed all the time and let her little girl do all of the cooking and cleaning. She confessed that she was still full of rage at her parents for so badly abusing her and full of envy for others who had experienced a normal, loving family relationship. She said that on several occasions when she had seen little girls being hugged and kissed by their loving fathers in Church she had to get up and leave. "The Lord knew what he was doing," she confessed, "when he sent me only boys to raise. Girls would have been too hard."
Then she turned to me and said, "Where is the justice? How can God pretend to be just and send some little girls into homes where they are loved and petted and made to feel like somebody and others into homes where they are beat and molested and abused and neglected? What did I do in the pre-earth life to deserve such a family?"
I felt inspired at that time to tell her that she had volunteered in the preexistence to be a savior on Mount Zion, to come to a family drowning in sickness and sin and to be the means of purifying that lineage. Before her in that line were generations of ugly, destructive, family relationships. Downstream from her purifying influence every generation would be blessed with light and love. The role of a savior, I said, is to suffer innocently for the sins of others that still others may not suffer. There can be no higher calling.
She knew by the Spirit that what I suggested was true. That perspective gave her the strength to get on with her life. The last time I heard from her she had also exercised her prerogative to purify her line backward through temple work and was working hard on bringing her parents to see the light.
I suspect that many of us, more than most would ever guess, have made such premortal choices and accepted such divinely demanding missions. More than once I have felt impressed to tell a righteous, long-suffering person that although his or her mate had provided legitimate grounds for divorce and a later cancellation of sealing, that it would please the Lord if the person would refuse to abandon the assignment to help shepherd that straying soul back to the fold. Occasionally someone says to me, "But don't I have any right to happiness?" The answer, of course, is that for those of us in the service of the Lord, the happiness comes from the service and from the close relationship to our Master that goes with it. If one is looking for a happy, settled, unchallenging life, one probably ought to choose a different master.
I am not suggesting that there are never grounds for separation or divorce. I am suggesting that only the Lord can righteously release us from a responsibility we received from him. "
One Flesh, One Heart: Putting Celestial Love into Your Temple Marriage
by Carlfred Broderick
I didn't feel like "one of the great ones" but I was encouraged.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The beginning of the end...
So many times I had hoped he would love me. I hoped he would see that what he was doing was not really him. It was like he was a complete stranger. He had always struggled with relationships and showing love, but he was also always a very nice person. People loved him. This person who was lying, cheating, betraying was not him. I would look at him in wonder. How could he not see that this was not him. She meant breath to him. Freedom, acceptance, self assurance. She didn't complain about his actions or deficiencies. she didn't live with him. Didn't do bills and budgets, home and car repairs with him. With her it was always new and interesting. it was fun and games. But then she started to get needy. On my birthday he spent the day with her. She helped him pick out a gift for me. I still have it, but it's a constant reminder that he was with her on my birthday. I am afraid to get rid of it for some reason. She knew we were going out that night and she felt threatened. she asked that he call her later that night and he was supposed to go cross country skiing with her the next day. He didn't call and he didn't show up. She went nuts. She told him to never call her again. But it was just her way of manipulating him. She never understood that it wasn't even her that he loved. He needed her to feel alive but it could have been anyone. She just happened to be there and they were friends. When he took her seriously and didn't call her again she came back after him. But before she did it was two weeks without her. Still, I knew he missed her. I actually hurt for him. I knew how much my broken heart ached. I assumed his pain was no less. But he was torn. Torn between needing her and the pain of being without her and his constant betrayal of our covenants and his covenants with God. I can't imagine his anguish. Still, during those couple of weeks we got along great. We could laugh and talk and enjoy being together. He needed her but he needed her to be his friend not his lover. She needed all of him. I began to hope he could get over her.
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him. As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience. For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes. It filled me with compassion. Our Savior loves all of Father's children. He sees the real them...the real me. Beneath all the human weakness. And He loves us. Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him. As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience. For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes. It filled me with compassion. Our Savior loves all of Father's children. He sees the real them...the real me. Beneath all the human weakness. And He loves us. Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Will he, won't he?
I really wasn't sure where their relationship stood. It's not like he would give me updates, but he did tell me about the skunk and his determination to end the relationship starting with her leave of absence. She was getting too needy. It was driving him away. I was getting free. I was feeling my burden lifted. After a year of heartache, darkness and fear I was beginning to feel some joy. I would contemplate in awe and wonder at how it could be so. Father's promises are sure. I felt that the miracle I had been seeking was not the miracle I received. But I got a miracle nonetheless. It was the miracle of coming to know my Savior and Father, of being taught from on high, of becoming free of needing another human being to make me happy. It was learning to find happiness from within. It was knowing that my Father and Savior would never desert me or leave me comfortless if I would come unto Them. It was learning that I could trust Them and that with Them NOTHING was impossible.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Choosing my own way
He became disenchanted with his therapist and decided to make a change. There was a big change coming at work and she was going to take a leave of absence. I don't know why I thought it would make any difference but I had high hopes since they wouldn't be together at work at least.
We went to my therapist together a few times. It was really painful because I was learning not to let his actions control me and my choices so whatever he would say about me I was supposed to be able to resolve it rather than to let it hurt me or make me crazy. But healing is a process and even though I was making progress I would have preferred to have our therapist tell him what a dope he was and how great I was. I used to imagine that one day he would see how wrong he had been and how lucky he was to have me. But then I realized that when that happened (sometime in the next life) I would hopefully have progressed to a point that I didn't need to be vindicated. I would just be grateful that he had repented. I would have developed Christ-like love! There would be no satisfaction in him seeing how badly he had hurt me and in him feeling completely terrible about it. But I liked to imagine it would be otherwise.
Our Therapist talked about not hitching my wagon to his bike and vice versa. You can see the problem with hitching your wagon to another s. If they ride their bike off in some strange direction you are going there with them. It's better to ride your own bike side by side or even better, one drafting off the other and taking turns in the lead. I always thought a husband and wife had to be at the same place on the path to Father. Not the way it is or needs to be. Does it really matter as long as you are on the path? I don't think so.
I learned that we do not know the heart of anyone else....even our spouse. We only know what they allow us to see and what we interpret from our experiences with them. We may be seeing them completely wrong. Only Father and our Savior know their heart. We can find out more about others by asking Father to help us see them as They do.
He decided that now was a good time to make a break. He had determined that he was dealing with a fantasy, an addiction, and it was becoming a bit frustrating for him. As I was becoming more free (by walking with my Father and Savior) she was becoming more needy. One day I went to the airport. She saw me walking with him and walked right up to us and said to him "can I see you a minute?" He went off with her and when he returned I asked him what she wanted. He started to snicker and said " she told me she didn't appreciate being treated like 'the other woman.:" Huh! I thought she WAS the other woman. Apparently she didn't think so.
I sent her a letter. I told her she was only a fantasy to him. I told her that even if they did end up together he would never be able to separate himself from the family he was part of...me and his children.
She called me. She told me he didn't want to be in the church and asked me if I wanted him under those conditions. She really didn't get it. He was my husband. The father of our children. I wanted him in my life forever and always.
She told me not to ever write to her again. Whatever.
Her leave of absence started. One day he was riding home, returning from a bike ride. He passed a dead skunk in the side of the road. He went home, got a shovel, went back and buried it. He made a sign that said "here lies the relationship of ______ and _______" complete with dates and he posted it there. I had high hopes. But remember....addictions are compelling!
Viktor Frankl said, in Man's Search for Meaning " Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms---to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
I was making great progress in choosing to love, to forgive, to seek solace rather than bitterness. It was only because of the strength I felt from the relationship I was developing with my Father and Savior. There was more joy in Their love then I had ever experienced in my life. It felt good. And I was hopeful. How many times would that hope been dashed? How many times and in how many ways would my heart be broken? But I could survive. I never stopped repeating in my mind, many times a day "with God nothing shall be impossible." Including saving this marriage?
We went to my therapist together a few times. It was really painful because I was learning not to let his actions control me and my choices so whatever he would say about me I was supposed to be able to resolve it rather than to let it hurt me or make me crazy. But healing is a process and even though I was making progress I would have preferred to have our therapist tell him what a dope he was and how great I was. I used to imagine that one day he would see how wrong he had been and how lucky he was to have me. But then I realized that when that happened (sometime in the next life) I would hopefully have progressed to a point that I didn't need to be vindicated. I would just be grateful that he had repented. I would have developed Christ-like love! There would be no satisfaction in him seeing how badly he had hurt me and in him feeling completely terrible about it. But I liked to imagine it would be otherwise.
Our Therapist talked about not hitching my wagon to his bike and vice versa. You can see the problem with hitching your wagon to another s. If they ride their bike off in some strange direction you are going there with them. It's better to ride your own bike side by side or even better, one drafting off the other and taking turns in the lead. I always thought a husband and wife had to be at the same place on the path to Father. Not the way it is or needs to be. Does it really matter as long as you are on the path? I don't think so.
I learned that we do not know the heart of anyone else....even our spouse. We only know what they allow us to see and what we interpret from our experiences with them. We may be seeing them completely wrong. Only Father and our Savior know their heart. We can find out more about others by asking Father to help us see them as They do.
He decided that now was a good time to make a break. He had determined that he was dealing with a fantasy, an addiction, and it was becoming a bit frustrating for him. As I was becoming more free (by walking with my Father and Savior) she was becoming more needy. One day I went to the airport. She saw me walking with him and walked right up to us and said to him "can I see you a minute?" He went off with her and when he returned I asked him what she wanted. He started to snicker and said " she told me she didn't appreciate being treated like 'the other woman.:" Huh! I thought she WAS the other woman. Apparently she didn't think so.
I sent her a letter. I told her she was only a fantasy to him. I told her that even if they did end up together he would never be able to separate himself from the family he was part of...me and his children.
She called me. She told me he didn't want to be in the church and asked me if I wanted him under those conditions. She really didn't get it. He was my husband. The father of our children. I wanted him in my life forever and always.
She told me not to ever write to her again. Whatever.
Her leave of absence started. One day he was riding home, returning from a bike ride. He passed a dead skunk in the side of the road. He went home, got a shovel, went back and buried it. He made a sign that said "here lies the relationship of ______ and _______" complete with dates and he posted it there. I had high hopes. But remember....addictions are compelling!
Viktor Frankl said, in Man's Search for Meaning " Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms---to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
I was making great progress in choosing to love, to forgive, to seek solace rather than bitterness. It was only because of the strength I felt from the relationship I was developing with my Father and Savior. There was more joy in Their love then I had ever experienced in my life. It felt good. And I was hopeful. How many times would that hope been dashed? How many times and in how many ways would my heart be broken? But I could survive. I never stopped repeating in my mind, many times a day "with God nothing shall be impossible." Including saving this marriage?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I have loved thee with an everlasting love.
I read a book called "What Really Works With Men." It suggested that rather than thinking of him as a husband betraying you, you think of him as having a terminal disease. I pondered that and realized that in reality he was like someone with a terrible illness. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was really this man who was killing me, figuratively speaking of course. I decided to look past his humanness and see him as a very sad, lost spirit son of our Father. Each time I wanted to scream at him and tell him what a jerk he was I took a deep breath and turned it around 180 degrees. I never condoned his behavior but I did try to show love and compassion. That is a tall order when I so needed him to show me the same. But expecting him to do so before I could treat him with compassion was completely destructive to our relationship. I decided that in reality a marriage that is 50-50 probably works out to more like 25-25 since both partners are waiting for the other to treat them the way they feel they should be treated before reciprocating. I decided to give 150%. What I found was the more I loved and served him without requiring anything in return the kinder he was to me. At times I wanted to give up though.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
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