And so it goes...

I struggle, now days, with how best to assist my husband in his progression in the Gospel. This year he signed us up for tithing settlement. He doesn't pay tithing of course but I do and we pay other offerings in my name. Still, it surprised me that he would sign us up. We have a new Bishop who is very kind, soft spoken, caring. My husband explained to our Bishop, and it was new to me as well, that he decided that he is a "Mormon" but not a "Latter-day Saint." I think the Bishop and I looked stumped by that. "What I mean" he explained, "is that I believe the precepts of Mormonism but I am not a member, nor do I want to be, of The Church." OOOKKKAAAYYY!
It really boggles my mind.
Recently we had a conversation, initiated by him, about his excommunication. Perhaps a little background. It was February of 1994 when our Stake President knocked on our door and handed an envelope to my husband. The letter stated that they were convening a church disciplinary court the next day for him for actions unbecoming a member of the church. He was welcome to attend if he wanted to. Since he had not initiated the process I doubt they thought he would actually attend. Prior to this he had not talked to our Stake President since about a year and a half before when my husband had basically confessed and made some commitments to repent. He did not keep those commitments at the time. When he finally did end the affair he did not go to the Stake President or Bishop to repent. I think in his mind he had repented by quitting the behavior. I don’t know why the President didn’t meet with him prior to the court to see where he really was in terms of behavior and the repentance process and to see how he could help him. Anyway, the church court was held and he did attend. As I have written before he wrote down what he wanted to say at the court. He never said it because when the court began the Stake President repeated to the room of High Councilmen his confession of a year and a half before. My husband was stunned and hurt. He felt betrayed that the President would relate to a room full of men he did not know things that he had told the President in confidence.
The other day when he brought up this experience …which I can’t really recall him ever bringing up on his own before…he added “I feel pretty confident that had I confessed to a Catholic Priest he would have kept my confession confidential.” OUCH! I had no idea how to respond to that.

I am certain that my husband's problem with coming back into the church is a result of the extreme pain, embarrassment and betrayal he felt when he was excommunicated. He sat in the outer office as they discussed his fate for about ½ hour praying that he would not be excommunicated. I know him well enough to know that when he was excommunicated after all, he made a promise to himself that he would never return to a church that would cause him such pain. He is perfectly happy and content with believing the gospel without being a member.
I know our Stake President wanted to help enable my husband to fully repent and be baptized pure and clean. My husband did not understand church disciplinary counsels and did not feel the love and concern. I have no idea what it will take for him to come back!

"But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people, for behold I know my sheep, and they are numbered.
"Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. " 3 Nephi 18:31,32.

Just Cause

Came across this quote by Elder Faust
"Marriage between mand and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises...
"In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
"At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor having 'fallen out of love." Ensign May 1993

If Not For You

I don't really know when it happened but one day I realized the pain, the frustration, the feeling that I didn't love him were gone. How long had it been like that? I didn't know. But I loved him and he loved me. It had taken close to 10 years but this ordeal was finally behind us....well, mostly. Still he was not back in the church. It has now been nearly 17 years since that morning in September and he is still not a member of the church. That's a whole different discussion for another day.
Thirty eight years ago I stood at the door of the LA temple and made a vow that I would be sealed to my husband there within a year. If you've read this from the beginning you know that we did make it to the temple for which I am very grateful. My children and I are sealed and one day when he returns he will be sealed to us again. Still, here I am 38 years later with no temple sealing to him...again. It boggles my mind. I know one day he will come back. Father didn't save this marriage just to end it in the eternities.
Life is good. We are so different from those two people who started this journey together, yet apart. We have learned and grown, struggled and worked. We are here now. Together.
Last September he came home from a trip and he told me that when he talks to people about me he cries. I was stunned. That does not sound even a little bit like the man I married. One day he said to me "do you know that song that Olivia Newton John sang (Huh???? since when did he know an Olivia Newton John song?) that's entitled "If Not For You'? "Yes, I know it" I responded. "I can't hear it without crying because it reminds me of you." Wow. If you would have told me on that September morning that someday life would be not just good but better than I had ever experienced I would not have believed you! I am so grateful that Father guided us through this experience in such a way that our marriage was preserved. It could have so easily ended. He (my husband) wanted it over. I felt powerless to stop it, but....With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible (Luke 1:37).
My journey is far from over and there is much I want to post, but I bear witness that if we come unto Him with all our heart; learn of Him; walk with Him; love Him; serve Him; let Him love us He will guide and heal our lives. "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led toward the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." 1 Nephi 17:13.
One thing I can tell you is that the way was not easy. It was, and at times still is, very difficult to put aside my own needs and fears and place the safety of our union first trusting all the while in my Father's help. Without Him and without the atoning sacrifice of my Savior I would not have been able to endure. But had we ended our marriage because of seemingly insurmountable obstacles we would have never known the joy we have now.
I recognize that there are marriages that cannot endure, but there are many that would not have to end if handed over to the Savior to heal. Everyone says it takes two people to save a marriage. I believe that...yourself and Heavenly Father. If the 3rd member of your marriage should desire to contribute it is even better. But if not...don't give up until Father tells you it is done.

If not for you,

I couldn't find the door
Couldn't even see the floor
I'd be sad and blue if not for you.

If not for you, 

I'd lay awake all night
Wait for the morning light
To shine in through
But it will not be new if not for you.

If not for you, my sky would fall,

rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost if not for you.


If not for you, winter would have no spring
I couldn't hear the robins sing
I just wouldn't have a clue
If not for you, if not for you.

There is hope. There is love and light at the end of the darkness.

By small and simple things...

So I continued to pray to love him. It was made more difficult by my desire to emulate our Savior's love for him when I didn't feel it. Or did I? I was very confused. I wanted to love him for I was certain our marriage had not been preserved just to end at some later time. I pondered what might be causing me such difficulty in loving him. Was it the betrayal? The deceit? The excommunication? The unwillingness and lack of desire to be back in the Church? Perhaps it was that he never really said he was sorry and how grateful he was that I didn't give up on us. Maybe it was all of these.
When you are struggling to love someone it is very difficult to refrain from lashing out, from criticizing, from withholding love. I wanted to make him see, to correct him...but isn't that just the kind of behavior that had contributed to this whole ordeal. I had learned that each of us needs to choose to love, to forgive, to overlook the little things that just don't really matter, to chose happiness from within. I needed to learn to love him no matter how he acted. I could choose happiness from within. I wanted, at times, to inflict pain on him so he would see the pain he put me through. But I knew that was wasted energy. It never heals a relationship...only makes it more dysfunctional. No one can ever really feel what we feel.
I started to think that at least in heaven he would see and then he'd be sad for my pain. Until I realized that once I am There, I won't even care about such matters. I won't need him to be contrite and beg for my forgiveness. I will love more perfectly There and I will see things in their proper and eternal perspective. It just won't matter. All that will matter Then is what I learned from my experiences...And that I helped him home. I don't think our Savior will spend all eternity getting satisfaction from our realization of how wrong we were and how right He was. And how much He suffered. He is grateful to have served and saved us.
I would cling to this view of heaven for sometime to see me through the difficult days ahead.
I would choose love. I would act "as if" until I could "be" in love with him again.
"For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more." 1 Corinthians 9:19
It is a choice to love, to serve, to forgive.

Come Unto Him

A number of years ago I was taking a math class in preparation for teaching that subject the coming school year. We were studying vectors and I just could not grasp how they worked. I had studied and studied, worked problems over and over. I had obtained tutoring but still I did not understand. The night before the test I was becoming frustrated as I tried problem after problem to no avail. Suddenly it occurred to me that Heavenly Father and our Savior know everything. Even vectors! I realized that there could be no greater tutor than them. So I got on my knees and poured out my heart about how hard I had tried to understand. I had done all that I could think to do and I just wasn’t getting it. I told Heavenly Father that I knew He knew how vectors work and asked him to teach me. I finished my prayer and tried a few more problems, but still couldn’t do them. I decided to take a break so I went downstairs to do some laundry. I remember precisely the moment that my mind comprehended vectors…it was on the second to the last stair on my way back up! Suddenly I just knew how to do them. I ran to the table where I had been studying, anxious to try a problem. Sure enough I did it right. I worked problem after problem and they were all correct. I Thanked my Heavenly Father.

The next day when I opened the test I didn’t recognize a thing on it. I prayed again saying that I had studied and that I had the best possible tutor and would He please help my mind to recall what I knew. I started in the middle of the test with a problem I felt I could do and then proceeded to complete the test. When I was done I looked it over to see if I needed to rework any problems but they all looked right to me.

Before the professor handed back the graded tests he explained that he was going to have to greatly lower the grading scale since only 1 or 2 in the class had scored above the low 80’s and the majority in the 70’s or less. For a moment I panicked! However, when I got my test back I had received 100%.

You see, Heavenly Father does know everything…even vectors!

If he knows how to do vectors, He knows how to help us with all our needs and concerns.

Do you want to know how to cope with a devastating illness or overcome an addiction? Come unto Him

Do you want to know how to deal with struggling children or strengthen a faltering marriage? Come unto Him

Do you ache for relief from loneliness and long for peace and joy? Come unto Him

Do you want to know how to comfort a friend in need or repair a troubled relationship, to forgive someone who has betrayed or abused you? Come unto Him

Do you want to feel loved, to know that you measure up, that your offering is acceptable? Come unto Him

Do you yearn for forgiveness and mercy; for solace and healing? Come unto Him!!

Perhaps you feel over-scheduled, overwhelmed but don’t know what to change. Come unto him.

Is there someone in your life causing you grief and pain? Do you feel powerless? Come unto Him!

Whatever it is that you yearn for, come unto the fountain of all love, all knowledge, all joy, all peace, all hope. Come unto Him!

He knows what experiences of life we need. He knows what commandments and covenants will help us remember Him and bring us home. If we know that he is there, if we have developed a closeness to Him we will face all the events of our lives much better.

Right now you may be in a very comfortable, safe place but just as most devastating hurricanes, tornados, and tsunamis strike quickly, we may not see the storms of our lives coming. While they are likely to ravage us for a time they need not destroy us or take us off our course. If we are prepared to trust and access our Savior’s help we can weather them well.

You may already be in the midst of a devastating ordeal. We all have them and cannot be expected to be spared on our path of discipleship. But He can ease our burden and help us through.

What he requires is our heart and a willing mind.

Elder Neal Maxwell said of this “I testify that he is utterly incomparable in what he is, what he knows, what he has accomplished, and what he has experienced. Yet, movingly, he calls us his friends. (See John 15:15; D&C 84:77.)

“We can trust, worship, and even adore him without any reservation! He is the only perfect person to sojourn on this planet; there is, as Isaiah declared, none like him! (See Isa. 46:9.)

“In intelligence and performance, Christ far surpasses the individual and the composite capacities and achievements of all who have lived, live now, and will yet live!” (See Abr. 3:19.)

Yet again...With God NOTHING shall be impossible!

The next few years all seem to flow one into the next. It was challenging because of the difficulty I felt in loving him.
"The moment a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. it is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain. Shall we commit the ultimate selfish act and abandon spouse and children in the search fro another partner, shattering trust and breaking the hearts of many in the hopes of some greater fulfillment in love? This is a phantom desire, born of deception. What a tragedy such a decision is, since the only fulfillment one can ever have is that arising out of righteousness! The restless partner must look, then, at the ways in which he could restore and enrich the original love, nurture his spouse, and unlock the blessings of heaven on the marriage....My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come: hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods" (Spiritual Lightening, M. Catherine Thomas).
I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to become like my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I wanted to be filled with the love they have. I wanted to bless a life not destroy it. I knew that if I would continue to walk His path He would bless and strengthen me. I knew that it was more important for me to forgive and love than to punish. It was difficult not to react or blame or correct. There were ample opportunities to do so, but that is not who I wanted to be. I had come to know my Savior well enough to know that I wanted to become like Him however slow the process or how long it would take. I would "act as if" until I could become. So I acted like I loved him.
"Perhaps one of the most important views of life to embrace is that this life is a series of tutorials designed to give us experience, to develop the divine nature, and to send us to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Master Teacher and Keeper of Grace" (Spiritual Lightening, M. Catherine Thomas).

Forgiveness

"Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your home, someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness.

"And please don’t ask if that’s fair—that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don’t ask if “justice” doesn’t demand that it be the other way around. No, whatever you do, don’t ask for justice. You and I know that what we plead for is mercy—and that is what we must be willing to give.

"Can we see the tragic and ultimate irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves? Perhaps the highest and holiest and purest act of cleansing—inasmuch as we speak from first to last in the temple of cleansing and purification—would be to say in the face of unkindness and injustice that you do yet more truly “love your enemies and bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you.” That is the demanding pathway of perfection.

"A marvelous Scottish minister once wrote:

'No man who will not forgive his neighbor, can believe that God is willing, yea wanting, to forgive him. … If God said, ‘I forgive you’ to a man who hated his brother, and if (as impossible) that voice of forgiveness should reach the man, what would it mean to him? How would the man interpret it? Would it not mean to him, ‘You may go on hating. I do not mind it. You have had great provocation and are justified in your hate’?

'No doubt God takes what wrong there is, and what provocation there is, into the account: but the more provocation, the more excuse that can be urged for the hate, the more reason … that the hater should [forgive, and] be delivered from the hell of his [anger].' (George MacDonald, An Anthology, ed. C. S. Lewis, New York: Macmillan, 1947, pp. 6–7.)" Jeffrey Holland I Stand All Amazed Ensign August 1986.

A new twist

 I noticed something happening that I never expected.  But then hadn't I learned to expect the unexpected?  I really thought once he stopped the relationship with her he would also come back to the church.  I thought if he ended the fantasy it would be because he loved me.  Neither were true.  Yes, we lived just fine together....most of the time.  He was easily angered when he returned from his trips.  The traveling was difficult on him and if I tried to have a conversation with him upon his return he just wasn't up to it.  It took me some time to figure out that I just couldn't talk to him until the next day.  It was hard and frustrating.  But even more troubling to me was that I was finding it difficult to love him.  I didn't want him to touch me.  I was troubled by this.  After all we had been through, after all the guidance and inspiration, after all the healing and strength I received, after coming to know my Savior, I didn't want to be with him.  I was certain of  all the revelation I had received about our relationship so why was this happening?  

One day as I was attending the temple the thought came to me that just as Satan had attempted to destroy Adam and Eve's eternal relationship by tempting Adam, he had tried to destroy our relationship by tempting my husband. Though it was different because Adam hadn't succumbed to the temptation and my husband had succumbed, still our marriage had not been destroyed as Satan desired. Just as Satan then tempted Eve he was now working on me to destroy the marriage.  I knew that I had been guided and taught from on high so I believed that I needed to make our marriage work. Why else would we have gone through all we had?  

I began to pray to love him.

And now what????

We lived from day to day in relative peace.   I felt like I was living with a friend more than a spouse.  But that wasn't so bad after the heartache of the past 3 years.

For Christmas I was completely caught off guard when he gave me the picture "Oh, Jerusalem" by Greg Olson.  It was huge and was a print on canvas.  I really didn't know what to think.  He made not attempt to come back in to the church.  I was perplexed but I kept practicing all I had learned about love and patience, forgiveness and walking hand in had with my Savior.  There was never any mention of forgiveness.  Never any talk about what we had been through.  No indication that he was sorry and loved me.  Yet the gift seemed to speak.  I had learned not to read any message into anything he did because I was usually wrong. 

I was now an ordinance worker, teaching Institute and Relief Society so I was continuing to study and learn.  As with most spiritual experiences the wonder was fading a bit.  I tried to hold on tight to  the amazing feelings I had experienced during those incredible days.  I missed the intensity of it all.  I was drained.  I wanted him to love me and the gospel.  But, then, that is what I had always wanted.  Our relationship was completely new and different.  We never faught.  We allowed each other freedom to be who we were.  We stopped requiring each other to fill our cups.  We learned to help each other but to find happiness from within.  

I ponder on those days often.  On all I learned and all that was yet to transpire between us that has brought us to where we are today.  

I think back to when I first learned that he "loved" someone else.  How my world as I knew it crumbled.  I recall wondering how this could happen when I was trying to live the gospel.  Why weren't we blessed.  Little did I understand the blessings this trial would bring.  I remember thinking that life was not what I had thought it was supposed to be.  You live a good life you get blessed.  Something bad happens you try harder.  I put the burden on myself.  I needed to be perfect to be blessed.  But perfect people wouldn't need a Savior.  We are hear to learn through our own experiences.  That means transgressions will happen, hearts will break, we (I) will be weak at times, but we can repent and be new again because our Savior and our Father love us and provided the way.  Thus the first lesson learned from my list "Adversity is not a punishment, it is an opportunity for growth."

What My Pain Taught Me...

In September another miracle. He was able to transfer back home. Our son was in Japan and our daughter was leaving on her mission September 20th. Interesting that it had been 3 years to the day that our ordeal began.

I had been going to my therapist for nearly 3 years at this point but the insurance was cutting me off. I did not want to stop seeing him but had no choice. When I left he asked me to write down what my pain had taught me. Here is the list I made.
1. Adversity is not a punishment. It is an opportunity for growth.
2. The Savior actually felt my pain in the Garden and on the cross and He alone can understand the magnitude of it.  Thus He alone can truly comfort me.

3.  It is possible to be physically comforted by the Lord though He is not physically present.  Therefore, we are never alone unless we fail to solicit His comfort.  He is always near offering it but we must seek it.  His love is not forced on us.

4.  Because Our Father in Heaven and Our Savior Jesus Christ are the only ones who absolutely know us we cannot allow ourselves to get our identity from the actions of others toward us.  We must define ourselves through careful self-examination and prayer.  Input from others may act as a source for self examination but only God and I can define for me who I am.

5.  Some miracles take time.  Sometimes the miracle is the personal growth toward our Savior that comes from seeking, stretching, pleading for the Lord's help (and trusting Him) when you want something bad enough to work for the desired solution.

6.  When there is nothing you can do about a situation, put all your faith in the fact that Father loves you and knows the beginning to the end.  This is what is meant by handing your burden to Him.  Increase your obedience and service, your love and devotion to Him and be at peace knowing he is going to bless you in ways that are best and in keeping with His plan for you.  It is a law He must obey.

7.  We do not have the power to change other people.  Loving others just the way they are is Christ-like love.  That is the power that can change people.

8.  The Holy Ghost teaches us as we search for answers which come as pure knowledge flowing into our hearts and minds after much prayer and seeking, fasting and meditation to show the sincerity of our desire to learn and to obey.  When these insights come it is as if we have always known them because, in fact, we always have...we have just forgotten.  The greatest learning seems to come in the temple.

9.  I have power in my life.  No one can take it from me unless I surrender it.  Though I sometimes feel powerless I have power over my attitudes and reaction to the actions of others towards me.

10.  It doesn't matter what messages (intentional or unintentional) my parents may have given me in the way they raised me.  I can love them, forgive them and decide for myself the kind of person I am and will be.

11.  Forgiving myself allows me to be able to forgive others.

12.  Since Christ loves each of His children and since He takes the sins of everyone on himself upon condition that they turn to Him, I cannot judge another (only He knows their heart) including my husband and, yes, even his girlfriend.  My only form of reimbursement to Him is my love for and service to my fellowman.  Heavenly Father loves those who hurt and cross me just as much as He loves me.  

13.  The trial of our faith is that we do not give up on Him when it seems we have been deserted but that we realize He is there and He is aware of and working to help remedy our situation.

14.  Enduring doesn't mean waiting for a trial to end.  It means achieving a "mighty change of heart" from the trial. Neal Maxwell says it is the passage of our soul all the way from A to Z.

15.  The suffering we face in this life is minuscule in comparison to the eons of our existence, yet the Christ-like qualities we learn will last forever often making the experiences we dread the most the most valuable and meaningful.

16.  To be humble is to be teachable which means I can learn something from everyone. It is not necessary nor advantageous to always be right.  Understanding this allows me to turn negative experiences and relationships in to positive outcomes.

17.  The most difficult lessons we learn seem to be within our family.  Thar is why we have families.  Otherwise we would withdraw ourselves  from the people our pain is associated with (some do this anyway through divorce). We are all actually brothers and sisters who lived together in a previous life and promised to help each other through this earth life.  Someone who hurts us by their words and actions is actually providing us with an opportunity to learn something of eternal value such as unconditional love, patience or forgiveness.  Imagine how we will feel when we meet again in the next life and the reality of who our parents, spouse, children and friends really are becomes clear if we give up on helping and learning from them in this life.

18.  I am a child of God.  He is my Father, my Abba, my papa, my daddy.  I love Him.  He knows me.  He loves me.  The Savior offered to pay for my sins and carry my burdens because He loves me.  I cannot be perfect in this life.  Perfection comes from a partnership with Christ.  What I can do is to enter into a covenant to turn my life to Him. To imitate His life by loving as He loves and forgiving as He forgives and to repent when I make choices that take me from that course.

19.  With God NOTHING is impossible.