Where is she now....

She came up in our conversation the other day. One of the hardest things for me to learn was to not bring her up or their experience. I wanted to talk about it all the time. I finally learned to let it go. Especially after all these years why should I bring up his sins? I wouldn't want him to keep talking about mine.
A few years ago he told me that he had run in to her at an airport where she was now working. He said she is a shell of a person. He watched others interact around her like she wasn't there...like a cipher. She had once been very fit (recall part of what he enjoyed about her was her fitness...and the activities they both enjoyed like cross country skiing and cycling) but now was "soft" and a bit pudgy. She had a hollow, vacant look in her eyes and they didn't have much to say to each other.
You would think, perhaps, that I would feel vindicated by that news. That I would feel she got what she deserved. Even I was surprised at my reaction. I felt nothing but compassion. This daughter of God had no idea of her eternal value. She never did. I thought of all we had learned through our pain. What had she learned? She asked me once if I really wanted him back even though he had no desire to have The Church in his life. I told her I loved him no matter what and always would. As painful as it is that he will not be baptized, we are still so much happier than she is. We have hope. I truly hurt for her.
The other day when he brought up her name he told me that he had flown with a friend of hers who told him that she left employment with the airlines and worked for a time for TSA and now works for the DMV. She is alone and lonely. It is sad.
Again I recall the day he told me he would never stop loving her. He truly believed he needed her and could not exist without her. Any love he feels for her now has nothing to do with romantic love. That makes him shutter. Any love he feels for her is the love one caring human being feels for another when they themselves are filled with the love of our Father.
"Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness.

"And please don't ask if that's fair --- that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don't ask if 'justice' doesn't demand that it be the other way around. No, whatever you do don't ask for justice. You and I know that what we plead for is mercy --- and that is what we must be willing to give." Jeffrey Holland

The pathway of discipleship is not an easy one. But with our hand in His it becomes easier and it is always worth it.

The Card

I know it's a bit unexpected that I should write so soon but today I received a card in the mail from my husband. He sent it while he was in Philly.
Inside he wrote:
" I know I haven't learned much, but I have learned that your love is the breath of my life. I'm just waiting for the time when I see you again, so I can inhale."
As I have said some miracles take time. But they do come!

Happy Birthday

So it's my birthday today.  I couldn't help but ponder on the many, many birthdays that I hoped, even when there was no past experience to offer such hope, that he would actually care.  When we were young married's and he would work on my birthday (he worked swing shift) and not buy me a gift because pay day was tomorrow (how about thinking ahead and buying something BEFORE my birthday?) and then tomorrow would come and since my birthday was past what was the point, it really messed with me.  Every year I would think "this is the year he will surprise me" but I knew deep down that that was not going to happen.  Still I would hope only to be hurt again.  Eventually I realized it would be less painful to just not expect anything.  As our  kids grew older they did their best  to do something for me.  I always remember the year my husband was on a day shift on my birthday.  When he came home I was cooking dinner.  He was sitting at the counter and my back was to him.  after a time I heard our son say "Dad, what did you get mom for her birthday?"  My back was still to him and I didn't turn around...it was silent.   I knew he had not remembered.  Finally I turned around to see the look of complete bewilderment on his face.

During the years that he had "checked out" of our marriage I didn't know what to expect.  I think I mentioned that one year he actually went shopping for a gift for me with her.  I think she was ok with that since they had already made plans to be together the day after my birthday.  He bought me something I would have normally quite liked but I knew he hadn't been alone so it just hurt. 

In subsequent years he was seldom home on my birthday and by now I had come to the realization that happiness has to come from within so I started planning things on my birthday that I would enjoy...a pedicure, shopping, and a birthday cake from my favorite bakery.   But that was then.

A few years ago he really blew my mind when he bought me flowers, a video and an ipod!  That was a first and this time they were from the heart.  The past few years he has made a point of making sure he has my birthday off.  At first I wasn't sure I really liked that.  I had gotten used to celebrating my own way!

Today he is home.  But he has been gone for 3 days and will leave again tomorrow for 3 more.  Since it's Sunday we really can't go anywhere.  So Friday I ordered myself a cake.  It was really quite humorous since they asked me what I wanted it to say on it.  I told them "Happy Birthday ___________" (my name).  All was fine until they asked me who was ordering it.  I paused and tried to think of another name to give them so they wouldn't know I was buying my own birthday cake but in the end I just told them the same name.

He got home at about 9 pm and saw the cake box on the counter.  "You bought yourself a cake?" he asked.  I told him I was doing him a favor since he had been gone so couldn't have purchased a cake.  Then he revealed a small box from a very quaint bakery in Philly where he had been.  He bought me a cake!  So this is where we are. Right where I wanted to be 38 years ago.  We finally got there but only by a journey of a lifetime.  The interesting thing is now I don' t expect anything and if something great happens it's a bonus.  But if nothing happens it doesn't' ruin my day.  There is so much peace in letting go of "real or imagined grievances against [our spouse] and setting our heart to love and bless....  We stand in a sacred relationship to the people in our lives, especially family, because they are not there by chance.  The people in our lives were placed there not only for us to enjoy but also to cross us and to dissatisfy us from time to time so that we can learn that love is not a matter of personal satisfaction but a going out of our hearts to empathize with , to understand, and to try to bless the other, giving up the demand of the natural man for satisfaction---to love the other, to forgive the other, to cease to demand that the other satisfy us, and to seek to be able to bless that person.  Relationships were given to us to develop us in love."  M. Catherine Thomas

Remember:    “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success.

   And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.

   And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.

   And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul...”  Alma 26: 27-30 

He is always there to sustain, love, lift, encourage, strengthen, teach and bless us on our journey.  The journey is much lighter when we love and trust Him and the love His children for Him.

Endure on your journey....you WILL be blessed.

Hugs!

The "fine line"

Obviously when someone does somthing that hurts we feel pain.  Sometimes we feel anger, frustration, fear, and a myriad of other possible emotions.  We wouldn't be human if we didn't.  We wouldn't learn if we didn't.  But it's what we do with those emotions that determines the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

You know the slogan "Trials, tribulations and afflictions are mandatory; misery is optional."

Often misery doesn't feel optional.   We feel powerless to overcome the hurt.  Really we are.  On our own that is.  But as I love to say "With God all things are possible."

The important thing is to not let the pain mess with us past the fine line.  The fine line is where the pain begins to take us off our course.  Our course is to stay on the path back to Father and to help others on our way.  The course is to learn divine qualities that really are mostly learned in the furnace of alliction.   We will have adversity and, as I listed as the number 1 lesson my pain taught me, it is not a punishment but an opportunity for growth.  You remove the pain you remove the lessons.  You have to stay in the ordeal to learn the lessons that experience will teach you.  I am not talking about staying in the sense that one should never leave an abusive relation.  If one's life is indangered one must run to safety.  But to stay in the ordeal means to resolve it rather that to wall it up.

Back to the fine line.  Think of our Heavenly Father.  What if all the things we do that are not His will were to make Him crazy and take Him off His course which is to love us.  What if He threw up His hands and said "That's it.  You have hurt me too much.  I am done with you".   If He were to do that the whole plan would be frustrated.  Of course He is God after all and has more power to overcome than we do.  But with His love and help we can learn the lessons well.

Our Savior did not let His pain take Him off His course to love and rescue us.  

"And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground".  Luke 22:41-44

He asked the Father to remove His cup but that request was denied.  Even His prayers weren't always answered the way He hoped.  But He continued His course and because of that we are all able to return home.  And in the process He learned.  He who was sinless learned what it felt like to be abused.  He learned what it felt like to have cancer.  He learned what it felt like to have a spouse say "I don't love you anymore."  He learned all these things and more by feeling our actual experiences.  Each of ours...personally.  And He saw our faces and knew us and His love for each of us individually grew beyond comprehension.  Imagine how your love grows for someone when you see their pain.  Think of how it pains you when your children hurt, when a friend loses a child, when a father becomes the sole parent after the death of the love of his life, when your mother suffers through the horrific pains of cancer.   Even when you see these scenes played out on TV of people you don't know your heart swells.  Think of 9-11 when we were all glued to our TV sobbing over the pain of so many lost lives.  Then imagine the One who loves you most and has  known you for eons seeing your sufferings.  He knows and loves you...intimately.

If we can learn to love when it hurts to do so we begin to become like Him and our burden is lifted.  If in our suffering we can reach out to others our burden becomes lighter (empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! Maxwell).  If in our suffering we can learn patience, truly unconditionaly love, how to access His strength and walk with Him, to trust Him and His plan for us, forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and other divine qualities we will be able to feel and say as Lehi  “But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” 1Nephi 1:15

We won't be perfect in this life.  There will be many traits we struggle to learn and obstacles to overcome but if we let pain overcome us to the point we are not able to learn but instead become inconsolable, unkind, miserable and bitter we will have let it take us past the fine line and off our course which would utimately lead us home.  Gratefully we can always start again.  Learning never ends.

"…know thou, my [child], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.  The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?  Therefore, hold on thy way…” D&C 121:7-9 

 The key is found in last week's blog.  Come unto Him.  Take His yoke upon you.  Come out of the world so you can feel his love for you.  Love His children.  "If with all your hearts you try to take His children home, you will be there too."  President Eyring.

I love you.  He loves you.  Let Him carry you.

His love

Okay~  so I have pondered this a bit more this week.  Why do some of us really know Him and some of us merely know of Him?  They are not the same thing.  All my life I have known of Him, loved Him, followed him but as I came to find out it is NOT the same as knowing Him.  And why did I come to know Him in my grief?   How does that all work? I am no one special.  What He has done for me He will do for all His children.And I am certain there are many, many people who have an even deeper personal relationship to Him than I.  

 Maybe we really don't understand that we can actually have a personal relationship with Him.  I remember feeling Him near in my teenage years.  But did I really get the kind of relationship that was possible?  I mean you have to admit it seems impossible that He could know us all.  Yet He can and does.

At the time I was coming to know Him I devoted a great deal of time to the effort.  As I have mentioned I did not want to continue to live in such horrific pain.  I also realized that life is a series of "tutorials" as Neal Maxwell calls them and I really wanted to learn this lesson now and only once.  I did not ever want to feel this kind of pain again!!!!!  I was determined to learn the lesson this adversity was to teach me and then get on with my life. I did not want to ever have to repeat such a painful learning experience.  I think that if we don't learn the lesson we will (eeekkk) continue to suffer or  have other adversities that will teach us.  We are here to learn through our experiences.

I know the saying is trite but truly we are not human beings here to have a spiritual experience!  We are His beloved sons and daughters, divine, loved, nobel.  We are spiritual beings here to have human experiences.  Yet so often we live in the humaness rather than the spirit.  It's so easy to be distracted from our purpose!  Especially when we hurt.

It's not that I haven't have severe trials since this huge one....I have.  I have cried myself to sleep many a night over other challenges but through it all I have clung to the one major lesson I learned...that I can ALWAYS trust in my Father in Heaven and His plan for me.  He is there... I do not walk alone.  I have learned that I will not always understand the whys but I can trust that He is there and loves me and will teach me the hows.  He is not as harsh and demanding that we sometimes think He is.

So in reflecting on what was different about my relationship with Him pre this "tutorial" and then during and post here's what I have come to understand.

You really have to focus on Him.  You have to believe that you can literally, I mean literally feel His arms around you.  You have to trust that He would really, really do that for you and then allow Him to.  I would actually take time each day to imagine He could really love me.  ME.  Not us, as in all of us,  His children, jointly but ME.  All by myself.  Did I explain the scriptural validation I found to support that this is possible?  I will have to go back and see.  Anyway, when the scriptures say to "ask, seek and knock" it is not a casual, superficial thing.  It is real effort with real longing over time.

It doesn't require huge amounts of time, but I have to admit at the time I was really devoting a lot of time to this effort.  I didn't have a calling and I was teaching school part-time.  I couldn't really function in life so I did have the time to devote to this effort.  And i found that when I was immersed in trying to understand and feel His love I actually felt better...for a moment at first and then for longer and longer periods of time.

Imagine that every day you spent 5 minutes telling yourself all of the reasons you are not worthy or loveable.  Would that have an impact after a year?   Pretty sure you would feel unloveable!

Suppose each day you spent 5 minutes imagining the Savior's arms around you. What kind of impact might that have on your life?  I had spent time on this exercise.  I had spent time practicing feeling happy.  Sometimes I could only pull it off for only a few  seconds but I kept at it.  

Every time I had an impression that I thought might have come from Heavenly Father I chose to believe it did.  I did not dismiss the feelings of love He sent me.  I prayed as though He was in the room.  I imagined He was with me everywhere I went.  I looked at His children through the lens of His love.  I came to know He was there...right by me.  It makes all the difference to allow Him to love you.  It makes all the difference to allow him to fill you with the love He feels for your spouse and others.  It made all the difference in my life...and in my husband's life.  He actually has a relationship with the Savior, but he doesn't always listen.  He doesn't want to hear what he doesn't want to hear.  Still, it's a start.

Service.  When we serve and bless others we feel our Savior's love for us and for them because we are emulating Him. 

Catherine Thomas said " It's a powerful act of faith to give something to someone else when we feel empty.  Truly, giving when we are longing to have someone give to us seems to defy reason.  But in spiritual  terms it makes perfect sense.  Giving out of what one feels are meager resources is like reaching into Elijah's nearly empty cornmeal barrel during a famine and coming up with a full cup every time.  Giving to others the things we are most longing for ourselves follows the principles of godliness and results in an unexpected sense of fulness."

Why are we reluctant to give and bless those who hurt us?  Are we afraid of what that would say about us?  Are we afraid of what they might think we are saying about them?  Perhaps if someone is choosing unrighteousness we fear that if we love them we are condoning their unrighteous behavior. Or at least they will take it as such.   But we can give and serve and bless without condoning the unrighteous acts.  Everyday I would tell my husband something good about himself.  He had a hard time believing I was sincere since he knew what he was doing and I certainly had to look deep but I did look past the humaness into his soul.  I told Him what I felt that Father saw there and what I hoped he might believe of himself someday so that he might be healed.  I figured if he felt so bad about himself that he would do something so distructive to his life someone had to help him see in himself what he could not.  But I never condoned his behavior.  

None of this was possible without His love.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:35-39

Valentines day

I got a card from him for Valentines Day.
"to the sweetest heart...from the one who holds it close."
:)
Our son was in town this week. We all went to dinner and it was wonderful. I worry about our boy. I know he understands the pain of all we went through, but I worry that he doesn't understand how Satan can get a foothold if we are not vigilant. He and his wife have both voiced the question "How do two people who loved each other once end up in divorce." There are so many reasons. We can simplify it to selfishness but still there is so much more. I told my son that the number one thing he can do to make sure his marriage survives is to "come unto Him" every single day. And not just (as Jeffrey Holland says) "obliquely" but with a true desire to know Him and know his will. As I wrote in a recent post He knows EVERYTHING. He will guide you. protect you, warn you, strengthen you and even help you trust and forget.
I am preparing to teach an institute lesson on true love. I came across this:
"If a person's attitudes and feelings have grown out of a commitment to Christ and faith in his teachings, then the influence those attitudes and feelings will have on marital adjustment are profound.  If the power of the gospel motivates a person, he will approach the adjustments of marriage with inner strength that will help to smooth out adjustments and build a happy marriage.  The gospel foundation will not eliminate the problems and conflicts, but it will profoundly influence how they will be handled."  Joe J. Christensen

The thing is that if one is trying to live by the spirit and is really coming unto Christ with a deeply sincere heart I really believe he/she will be led when moments of doubt, confusion, despair come to his/her life.  I also know that when I really needed strength and guidance I made some minor course corrections that  had a huge impact on my ability to receive the divine guidance and healing I so desperately needed.  Truly it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.

A few weeks ago we had our Stake Women's Conference.  Having been released a year ago  it was the first I would attend in 10 years that I had not been a member of the Stake RS presidency.  I was surprised that as I was preparing to attend I was rather emotional.  When I arrived I saw on the program a section entitled "Testimonies of Sisters"

I was overcome.  I knew I had to share mine!  I tried to talk myself out of it but felt strongly that I must do so.  They had mics in the audience so sisters wouldn't have to go to the stand.  When I stood up a sister approached me with a mic.  I waved her off and whispered "I have to go up there" indicating the stand.  I looked out over the sisters I so dearly love and reminded them that I had, for 8 years, hounded them with the same thing.  It seems too simple to some and seems to defy all logic that such a seemingly simple thing could heal  deep wounds but I know the answer is always the same "Come Unto Him!"  That is the answer.  He is the answer.  Oh, how I love Him.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."Matthew 11:28-30

And so it goes...

I struggle, now days, with how best to assist my husband in his progression in the Gospel. This year he signed us up for tithing settlement. He doesn't pay tithing of course but I do and we pay other offerings in my name. Still, it surprised me that he would sign us up. We have a new Bishop who is very kind, soft spoken, caring. My husband explained to our Bishop, and it was new to me as well, that he decided that he is a "Mormon" but not a "Latter-day Saint." I think the Bishop and I looked stumped by that. "What I mean" he explained, "is that I believe the precepts of Mormonism but I am not a member, nor do I want to be, of The Church." OOOKKKAAAYYY!
It really boggles my mind.
Recently we had a conversation, initiated by him, about his excommunication. Perhaps a little background. It was February of 1994 when our Stake President knocked on our door and handed an envelope to my husband. The letter stated that they were convening a church disciplinary court the next day for him for actions unbecoming a member of the church. He was welcome to attend if he wanted to. Since he had not initiated the process I doubt they thought he would actually attend. Prior to this he had not talked to our Stake President since about a year and a half before when my husband had basically confessed and made some commitments to repent. He did not keep those commitments at the time. When he finally did end the affair he did not go to the Stake President or Bishop to repent. I think in his mind he had repented by quitting the behavior. I don’t know why the President didn’t meet with him prior to the court to see where he really was in terms of behavior and the repentance process and to see how he could help him. Anyway, the church court was held and he did attend. As I have written before he wrote down what he wanted to say at the court. He never said it because when the court began the Stake President repeated to the room of High Councilmen his confession of a year and a half before. My husband was stunned and hurt. He felt betrayed that the President would relate to a room full of men he did not know things that he had told the President in confidence.
The other day when he brought up this experience …which I can’t really recall him ever bringing up on his own before…he added “I feel pretty confident that had I confessed to a Catholic Priest he would have kept my confession confidential.” OUCH! I had no idea how to respond to that.

I am certain that my husband's problem with coming back into the church is a result of the extreme pain, embarrassment and betrayal he felt when he was excommunicated. He sat in the outer office as they discussed his fate for about ½ hour praying that he would not be excommunicated. I know him well enough to know that when he was excommunicated after all, he made a promise to himself that he would never return to a church that would cause him such pain. He is perfectly happy and content with believing the gospel without being a member.
I know our Stake President wanted to help enable my husband to fully repent and be baptized pure and clean. My husband did not understand church disciplinary counsels and did not feel the love and concern. I have no idea what it will take for him to come back!

"But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people, for behold I know my sheep, and they are numbered.
"Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. " 3 Nephi 18:31,32.

Just Cause

Came across this quote by Elder Faust
"Marriage between mand and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises...
"In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
"At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor having 'fallen out of love." Ensign May 1993

If Not For You

I don't really know when it happened but one day I realized the pain, the frustration, the feeling that I didn't love him were gone. How long had it been like that? I didn't know. But I loved him and he loved me. It had taken close to 10 years but this ordeal was finally behind us....well, mostly. Still he was not back in the church. It has now been nearly 17 years since that morning in September and he is still not a member of the church. That's a whole different discussion for another day.
Thirty eight years ago I stood at the door of the LA temple and made a vow that I would be sealed to my husband there within a year. If you've read this from the beginning you know that we did make it to the temple for which I am very grateful. My children and I are sealed and one day when he returns he will be sealed to us again. Still, here I am 38 years later with no temple sealing to him...again. It boggles my mind. I know one day he will come back. Father didn't save this marriage just to end it in the eternities.
Life is good. We are so different from those two people who started this journey together, yet apart. We have learned and grown, struggled and worked. We are here now. Together.
Last September he came home from a trip and he told me that when he talks to people about me he cries. I was stunned. That does not sound even a little bit like the man I married. One day he said to me "do you know that song that Olivia Newton John sang (Huh???? since when did he know an Olivia Newton John song?) that's entitled "If Not For You'? "Yes, I know it" I responded. "I can't hear it without crying because it reminds me of you." Wow. If you would have told me on that September morning that someday life would be not just good but better than I had ever experienced I would not have believed you! I am so grateful that Father guided us through this experience in such a way that our marriage was preserved. It could have so easily ended. He (my husband) wanted it over. I felt powerless to stop it, but....With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible (Luke 1:37).
My journey is far from over and there is much I want to post, but I bear witness that if we come unto Him with all our heart; learn of Him; walk with Him; love Him; serve Him; let Him love us He will guide and heal our lives. "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led toward the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." 1 Nephi 17:13.
One thing I can tell you is that the way was not easy. It was, and at times still is, very difficult to put aside my own needs and fears and place the safety of our union first trusting all the while in my Father's help. Without Him and without the atoning sacrifice of my Savior I would not have been able to endure. But had we ended our marriage because of seemingly insurmountable obstacles we would have never known the joy we have now.
I recognize that there are marriages that cannot endure, but there are many that would not have to end if handed over to the Savior to heal. Everyone says it takes two people to save a marriage. I believe that...yourself and Heavenly Father. If the 3rd member of your marriage should desire to contribute it is even better. But if not...don't give up until Father tells you it is done.

If not for you,

I couldn't find the door
Couldn't even see the floor
I'd be sad and blue if not for you.

If not for you, 

I'd lay awake all night
Wait for the morning light
To shine in through
But it will not be new if not for you.

If not for you, my sky would fall,

rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost if not for you.


If not for you, winter would have no spring
I couldn't hear the robins sing
I just wouldn't have a clue
If not for you, if not for you.

There is hope. There is love and light at the end of the darkness.

By small and simple things...

So I continued to pray to love him. It was made more difficult by my desire to emulate our Savior's love for him when I didn't feel it. Or did I? I was very confused. I wanted to love him for I was certain our marriage had not been preserved just to end at some later time. I pondered what might be causing me such difficulty in loving him. Was it the betrayal? The deceit? The excommunication? The unwillingness and lack of desire to be back in the Church? Perhaps it was that he never really said he was sorry and how grateful he was that I didn't give up on us. Maybe it was all of these.
When you are struggling to love someone it is very difficult to refrain from lashing out, from criticizing, from withholding love. I wanted to make him see, to correct him...but isn't that just the kind of behavior that had contributed to this whole ordeal. I had learned that each of us needs to choose to love, to forgive, to overlook the little things that just don't really matter, to chose happiness from within. I needed to learn to love him no matter how he acted. I could choose happiness from within. I wanted, at times, to inflict pain on him so he would see the pain he put me through. But I knew that was wasted energy. It never heals a relationship...only makes it more dysfunctional. No one can ever really feel what we feel.
I started to think that at least in heaven he would see and then he'd be sad for my pain. Until I realized that once I am There, I won't even care about such matters. I won't need him to be contrite and beg for my forgiveness. I will love more perfectly There and I will see things in their proper and eternal perspective. It just won't matter. All that will matter Then is what I learned from my experiences...And that I helped him home. I don't think our Savior will spend all eternity getting satisfaction from our realization of how wrong we were and how right He was. And how much He suffered. He is grateful to have served and saved us.
I would cling to this view of heaven for sometime to see me through the difficult days ahead.
I would choose love. I would act "as if" until I could "be" in love with him again.
"For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more." 1 Corinthians 9:19
It is a choice to love, to serve, to forgive.