Sunday, November 15, 2009
I'm back!
If you have never read this blog before I would ask that you go to the beginning and read a few entries before you decide whether or not it's for you. My one hope when my heart was breaking beyond what I thought I could endure was that somehow, someway, someday I could help someone else when they faced adversity so difficult they didn't know how to go on existing. I hope I have helped some. :)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Anchors
Have we talked about anchors? You know, you see a picture, hear a song, smell a scent, visit a place and suddenly memories come flooding, unsummoned, into your mind and heart. Sometimes the memories are sweet and we revel in the joy. Other times they are painful and our reaction can be quite different. Sometimes those we live with and are supposed to love poke us in the anchors of our souls. Sometimes when that happens all the pain comes back and hurts all over again. Our reaction to such a nudge is sometimes to lash out at the one poking that anchor. Sometimes we don't even know why. Could it be that our spouse is there precisely to poke us in those unresolved anchors that need so badly to be healed...resolved? Just a thought.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when an anchor I thought was resolved stopped me up short. Yesterday I had another. Some anchors are harder to resolve than others I guess. Even those we may think we are past.
My husband and I were going to babysit our grandkids so our son and his wife could go to NJ to see U2 in concert. As a sort of reward (as if being with the grandkids isn't reward enough) they bought a 2nd set of tickets for the following night's performance for us to go. I haven't listened to U2 for years though during the midst of our ordeal I listened to Achtung Baby alot. The songs then seemed to speak to all I was experiencing. Words like
"I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted.'
My heart ached to words like
"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim"
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world."
And though these words from Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses I related to"
"You're dangerous, 'cos you're honest.
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want.
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt."
He related to these as he contemplated leaving her:
"Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your saltwater kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee? "
So a lot of anchors there...but pretty much resolved.....I thought.
He burned the playlist for the U2 concert to CD and put it in my car so I could hear it a few times before we went to the event. I was driving along when "One" came on. Of all those U2 songs this one seemed to have been written for our heartache:
"Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.
Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other... one
...Did I ask too much, more than a lot
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got.
We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.
You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt."
I was completely unprepared for the tears that not only welled up in my eyes but were spilling down my face. I was sobbing there at the stop light so surprised that this anchor still could hurt.
But at this point I had a choice. I could punish him for the pain or I could resolve it...not bury it for another painful day, resolve it. I told him of my reaction but I didn't say why or put any shame or blame on him. After all, this is my anchor. It is simply not fair for me to continue to punish him for something that is over for him. How can he let it go and let our Savior take that burden if I keep it alive? It's not my place.
At the concert I wondered how I would react when they sang One. It was fine. I enjoyed the song, sang along and had just a small tear in my eye, but it wasn't painful. It was actually kind of sweet!
Anchor #2.
Did I mention he is a flight attendant? Flies with LOTS of women. He also loves to take pictures. A while ago he was on a layover in Phoenix. They stay at a very nice resort nestled in some hills. He loves to walk or run those hills. On one layover he went with one of the other attendants to show her where he runs. He took pictures. He told me all about it when he came home. I didn't think much about it until yesterday. I was looking through his picture on the computer trying to find one of him. I clicked on the "Katie in Phoenix" folder and put it on slide show. There were several of her...no big deal and then one came up of the two of them. They were sitting close to take a picture of themselves. An electric shock flowed from my head to my toes and a feeling of panic hit me. I was stunned. "it couldn't be" I thought. But still there was a fear that maybe, just maybe it could be happening again. I felt sick. When he called me later I told him what happened. As I was talking I started to cry. I couldn't believe how much this scared me. In gentle tones he apologized saying that it had been insensitive and unfair to me. This is a woman he has known since high school. They were trying to figure out his new camera. It was nothing. And I knew that in my heart.
Anchors...ahhhhhgggg! they can be difficult but they can be resolved. They, like all our burdens, can be dropped at the feet of our loving, knowing, understanding Savior. He can heal all things.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when an anchor I thought was resolved stopped me up short. Yesterday I had another. Some anchors are harder to resolve than others I guess. Even those we may think we are past.
My husband and I were going to babysit our grandkids so our son and his wife could go to NJ to see U2 in concert. As a sort of reward (as if being with the grandkids isn't reward enough) they bought a 2nd set of tickets for the following night's performance for us to go. I haven't listened to U2 for years though during the midst of our ordeal I listened to Achtung Baby alot. The songs then seemed to speak to all I was experiencing. Words like
"I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted.'
My heart ached to words like
"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim"
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world."
And though these words from Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses I related to"
"You're dangerous, 'cos you're honest.
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want.
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt."
He related to these as he contemplated leaving her:
"Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your saltwater kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee? "
So a lot of anchors there...but pretty much resolved.....I thought.
He burned the playlist for the U2 concert to CD and put it in my car so I could hear it a few times before we went to the event. I was driving along when "One" came on. Of all those U2 songs this one seemed to have been written for our heartache:
"Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.
Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other... one
...Did I ask too much, more than a lot
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got.
We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.
You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt."
I was completely unprepared for the tears that not only welled up in my eyes but were spilling down my face. I was sobbing there at the stop light so surprised that this anchor still could hurt.
But at this point I had a choice. I could punish him for the pain or I could resolve it...not bury it for another painful day, resolve it. I told him of my reaction but I didn't say why or put any shame or blame on him. After all, this is my anchor. It is simply not fair for me to continue to punish him for something that is over for him. How can he let it go and let our Savior take that burden if I keep it alive? It's not my place.
At the concert I wondered how I would react when they sang One. It was fine. I enjoyed the song, sang along and had just a small tear in my eye, but it wasn't painful. It was actually kind of sweet!
Anchor #2.
Did I mention he is a flight attendant? Flies with LOTS of women. He also loves to take pictures. A while ago he was on a layover in Phoenix. They stay at a very nice resort nestled in some hills. He loves to walk or run those hills. On one layover he went with one of the other attendants to show her where he runs. He took pictures. He told me all about it when he came home. I didn't think much about it until yesterday. I was looking through his picture on the computer trying to find one of him. I clicked on the "Katie in Phoenix" folder and put it on slide show. There were several of her...no big deal and then one came up of the two of them. They were sitting close to take a picture of themselves. An electric shock flowed from my head to my toes and a feeling of panic hit me. I was stunned. "it couldn't be" I thought. But still there was a fear that maybe, just maybe it could be happening again. I felt sick. When he called me later I told him what happened. As I was talking I started to cry. I couldn't believe how much this scared me. In gentle tones he apologized saying that it had been insensitive and unfair to me. This is a woman he has known since high school. They were trying to figure out his new camera. It was nothing. And I knew that in my heart.
Anchors...ahhhhhgggg! they can be difficult but they can be resolved. They, like all our burdens, can be dropped at the feet of our loving, knowing, understanding Savior. He can heal all things.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Some thoughts...
(if you are new to this blog I implore you to follow from the very first post.)
There is a quote I love by George Q. Cannon. “We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are children of God and that he has actually given His angels....charge concerning us, and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.”
We are everything to Him!
Recently when our ward had our Primary Sacrament meeting I wrote down some of the statements made by the children. One said “I know Jesus loves me because He makes me feel good.” Another stated “ I am grateful fro Jesus because He is nice to me and Helps me.”
All of this made me reflect on an experience I had with my grandson a few years ago. He was probably about 3 years old at the time. I was visiting their family in Austin and he was having a difficult day. His mother had repeatedly asked him to get his shoes on and he was struggling to get motivated. Finally, I pick up him and his shoes and gently set him on my lap. As I began to put on his shoes I started singing “Heavenly Father, are you really there and do you hear and answer every child’s prayer? Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.”
I got to that point when he turned his face toward mine and kissed me on the cheek. An incredible spirit filled the room. It was as if the walls closed in around us and that little boy and I were the center of the universe wrapped in the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was as if my grandson was bearing testimony to me that he knew Heavenly Father and he knew that He loved him.
It is a difficult task as parents to help our little ones remember what they already know. It is difficult for us as adults to remember what we once knew.
We can’t speak of service and love without referring to our savior whose sacrifice for us was personal and intimate.
C. S. Lewis said: “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man [or woman] in the world” (Mere Christianity [1943], 131).
When empowered by the love of our Savior we can do and overcome anything, for with god nothing shall be impossible.
He has said “I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
To really believe and feel, to trust and rely on his love for us and then to be able to extend that love to his children especially those we don’t feel deserve it-- those who have hurt, abused, betrayed, misjudged and mistreated us or those we love-- we will have to know him. It is not enough to know of him, we will need to become intimately acquainted with him. We are here precisely to do just that so that we will learn his divine qualities and plant them deep within our souls that we may become like him.
In the words of Michael Wilcox: “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can help a wandering child or heal a troubled marriage, the only way we can walk his path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits and longs for us to fall into them so he can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all he does!
We talk of time restraints and other diversions of the world that keep us from developing that kind of deep personal relationship with our Savior, but really it is a matter of the heart. We must first determine that we truly want to be healed and whole. And then we must give our heart to him. That doesn’t mean there is no time for anything else, but when we spend some time each day drawing near to him, we will then think of him more, we will teach others of him more, we endure the crosses of our lives with new eyes.
Sister Chieko Okazaki taught:
"The Savior does not call us to abandon the world; he calls us to come unto him so that he can heal us and make us whole. But to do that, we have to bring him our hearts--all of the pieces we have given elsewhere. He asks us to take care of our daily activities with a heart centered on him.
Our spiritual lives should be our lives, not just a separate part of our lives.”
Only when we know him can we view ourselves and others through the lens of his love and oh, what healing that brings.
As we were going through the experience detailed in this blog I was often frustrated and hurt and angry because of the pain that the actions of my husband and his girlfriend were causing in my life and the lives of my children. But heavenly father gave me a great gift. For a brief time He allowed me to see my husband through the eyes of our savior’s love for him. It was amazing and powerful. I was able to see past the humanness into my husband's spirit. A spirit searching for love and answers and I determined that if the lord loved him regardless of his actions, I would too and perhaps I could be an instrument in father’s hands to help him home.
To understand that our savior loves all of father’s children reminds us that he loves us too. I believe the only real influence we can have on His children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to him and let his love heal us.
Mormon in a letter to his son Moroni tells us how we can start: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.” Moro. 7: 48
I know that I am heavenly Father’s daughter. He is my Abba, my papa, my daddy! And he is yours. I know he loves me though I seldom feel worthy of His patient, forgiving, gentle love. I know my savior loves me. And I know they love you. His sacrifice for you and for me began before the foundation of this world. I have seen in my minds eye that council in heaven as he listened to the plan of our Father presented to us and wept tears over the possibility that any one of us might not return home. I know that his declaration “Here am I send me” was not only out of love and reverence for our Father, but for unfathomable love for each of us.
I know that he went forth suffering pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and compassion so that he would know how and be able to strengthen and comfort us.
I know that in Gethsemane he experienced the totality of all human suffering. I know that he experienced those pains and sorrows for each of us individually—he knows your pains & my pains; he has born the burden for your sins & my sins. And having experienced our pains his love for us grew beyond our ability to comprehend.
"Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows and with his stripes we are healed". I know that it is through the power of the atonement we can be healed from all sorrows and infirmities. We can be forgiven and live with him again for he rose from the tomb.
We are on the pathway back home. If the fog could lift just slightly we would see just how close we are. We can and we must help each other home. We need not be discouraged if we appear to be at different places on that path from those we love. There are individuals further up ahead who reach back and take our hand just as we can reach out and take a hand to lift another along the way.
He wants us to come home and he knows what it will take for us to get there. All of the commandments he asks us to obey, all of the things he asks us to forsake are not to limit or punish us they are to lift us, unencumbered back to Him.
He has already prepared a place for you and for me in the mansions of our father and he fully expects us to be there.
There is a quote I love by George Q. Cannon. “We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are children of God and that he has actually given His angels....charge concerning us, and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.”
We are everything to Him!
Recently when our ward had our Primary Sacrament meeting I wrote down some of the statements made by the children. One said “I know Jesus loves me because He makes me feel good.” Another stated “ I am grateful fro Jesus because He is nice to me and Helps me.”
All of this made me reflect on an experience I had with my grandson a few years ago. He was probably about 3 years old at the time. I was visiting their family in Austin and he was having a difficult day. His mother had repeatedly asked him to get his shoes on and he was struggling to get motivated. Finally, I pick up him and his shoes and gently set him on my lap. As I began to put on his shoes I started singing “Heavenly Father, are you really there and do you hear and answer every child’s prayer? Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.”
I got to that point when he turned his face toward mine and kissed me on the cheek. An incredible spirit filled the room. It was as if the walls closed in around us and that little boy and I were the center of the universe wrapped in the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was as if my grandson was bearing testimony to me that he knew Heavenly Father and he knew that He loved him.
It is a difficult task as parents to help our little ones remember what they already know. It is difficult for us as adults to remember what we once knew.
We can’t speak of service and love without referring to our savior whose sacrifice for us was personal and intimate.
C. S. Lewis said: “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man [or woman] in the world” (Mere Christianity [1943], 131).
When empowered by the love of our Savior we can do and overcome anything, for with god nothing shall be impossible.
He has said “I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
To really believe and feel, to trust and rely on his love for us and then to be able to extend that love to his children especially those we don’t feel deserve it-- those who have hurt, abused, betrayed, misjudged and mistreated us or those we love-- we will have to know him. It is not enough to know of him, we will need to become intimately acquainted with him. We are here precisely to do just that so that we will learn his divine qualities and plant them deep within our souls that we may become like him.
In the words of Michael Wilcox: “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can help a wandering child or heal a troubled marriage, the only way we can walk his path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits and longs for us to fall into them so he can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all he does!
We talk of time restraints and other diversions of the world that keep us from developing that kind of deep personal relationship with our Savior, but really it is a matter of the heart. We must first determine that we truly want to be healed and whole. And then we must give our heart to him. That doesn’t mean there is no time for anything else, but when we spend some time each day drawing near to him, we will then think of him more, we will teach others of him more, we endure the crosses of our lives with new eyes.
Sister Chieko Okazaki taught:
"The Savior does not call us to abandon the world; he calls us to come unto him so that he can heal us and make us whole. But to do that, we have to bring him our hearts--all of the pieces we have given elsewhere. He asks us to take care of our daily activities with a heart centered on him.
Our spiritual lives should be our lives, not just a separate part of our lives.”
Only when we know him can we view ourselves and others through the lens of his love and oh, what healing that brings.
As we were going through the experience detailed in this blog I was often frustrated and hurt and angry because of the pain that the actions of my husband and his girlfriend were causing in my life and the lives of my children. But heavenly father gave me a great gift. For a brief time He allowed me to see my husband through the eyes of our savior’s love for him. It was amazing and powerful. I was able to see past the humanness into my husband's spirit. A spirit searching for love and answers and I determined that if the lord loved him regardless of his actions, I would too and perhaps I could be an instrument in father’s hands to help him home.
To understand that our savior loves all of father’s children reminds us that he loves us too. I believe the only real influence we can have on His children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to him and let his love heal us.
Mormon in a letter to his son Moroni tells us how we can start: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.” Moro. 7: 48
I know that I am heavenly Father’s daughter. He is my Abba, my papa, my daddy! And he is yours. I know he loves me though I seldom feel worthy of His patient, forgiving, gentle love. I know my savior loves me. And I know they love you. His sacrifice for you and for me began before the foundation of this world. I have seen in my minds eye that council in heaven as he listened to the plan of our Father presented to us and wept tears over the possibility that any one of us might not return home. I know that his declaration “Here am I send me” was not only out of love and reverence for our Father, but for unfathomable love for each of us.
I know that he went forth suffering pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and compassion so that he would know how and be able to strengthen and comfort us.
I know that in Gethsemane he experienced the totality of all human suffering. I know that he experienced those pains and sorrows for each of us individually—he knows your pains & my pains; he has born the burden for your sins & my sins. And having experienced our pains his love for us grew beyond our ability to comprehend.
"Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows and with his stripes we are healed". I know that it is through the power of the atonement we can be healed from all sorrows and infirmities. We can be forgiven and live with him again for he rose from the tomb.
We are on the pathway back home. If the fog could lift just slightly we would see just how close we are. We can and we must help each other home. We need not be discouraged if we appear to be at different places on that path from those we love. There are individuals further up ahead who reach back and take our hand just as we can reach out and take a hand to lift another along the way.
He wants us to come home and he knows what it will take for us to get there. All of the commandments he asks us to obey, all of the things he asks us to forsake are not to limit or punish us they are to lift us, unencumbered back to Him.
He has already prepared a place for you and for me in the mansions of our father and he fully expects us to be there.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I'm BAAA-AAACK!
It is interesting that both our son and our daughter spoke in their respective wards on Father's Day. I am inclined to post a portion of what each had to say about their father. The first is from our son. You may recall that he was serving a mission at the time his father's affair began. When he found out about it many months later he stated "I've lost all respect for that man." Just as my husband and I have healed, so have our children----all made possible by the atonement of our Savior who I cannot thank enough! When we turn to Him, welcome Him into our lives and our hearts with open arms, emulate him to the extent of our mortal power to do so---even, no, especially when it's difficult and especially with difficult people---we access the power of the atonement in our lives. It empowers us and makes us more...everything.
My children amaze me.
From our Son:
"Our spiritual development was left to Mom, which she handled beautifully. She made sure Dad was there the night before school started every year to give us Father’s blessings. The intimacy of a Father’s Blessing might have felt awkward to him, but he still did it every year.
"There was a definite tender side to Dad which he didn’t let many people see. Mom would come in the room when I was a newborn, and find him holding me and stroking my cheek. When [my 2nd child] was a baby, I overheard Dad sitting with him in his lap, telling him what a special boy he was and how much he loved him. These tender moments were not frequent, but I never doubted, or even thought to question my Dad’s love for me. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I never doubted or thought to question my Heavenly Father’s love for me. It is just part of being His kid.
"As I have grown, my understanding and knowledge have grown, right along with my finding out how much I don’t understand and don’t know. I now understand that it was a really big deal that my Dad gave us those blessings every year. I don’t remember a single thing that he said in those blessings, I just remember that he did it. It was also a really big deal that he fixed up that old rusted out 1976 Fiat for my brother and I to drive. He didn’t have to do it, but he did it to make our lives easier, and as an expression of his love.
"On the same token, but on a much greater scale, our Savior didn’t have to suffer pains unimaginable and live the life He lived, nor did our Father have to watch Him suffer, but they both did it. They did it to make our lives easier, and as the ultimate expression of their love.
"I didn’t appreciate that old rusty car: I never got the oil changed, I never washed it, I never checked the air in the tires, I never even asked if I could drive it 90 miles north to Logan, Utah to visit a boy, and, everyone knew that if you wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, mine was the car to learn it in.”
My children amaze me.
From our Son:
"My own father is one of the most humble men I know. Of course he wasn't always so humble. He has changed dramatically since my teenage years. Back then I thought he was too quick to anger, too demanding, too distant, and too embarrassing. I have since grown to treasure him as one of the few constants in my life. My father frequently travels to Philadelphia on business and it is extremely rewarding for me to go out to lunch or dinner with him once or twice a month. He recently underwent a serious medical procedure and I had the chance to give him a blessing beforehand. This was a time of significant uncertainty for our family, and it was clarified and soothed by a relationship based on open communication and by the power of the priesthood. This was especially unique because my father, while a very spiritual man, is not a member of the church. And he asked me for the blessing.
Our relationship has improved since my teenage years because we have both learned the importance of talking to each other. Talking to each other gives us the opportunity to see the world through each other’s eyes. This is especially useful in the context of interacting with children.
Why are they frustrated? As I wrestle with them during sacrament meeting, both literally and intellectually, why is it so hard for me to seek out the root cause of their disruptive behavior?
Is it just that they lack of control? They are only children, after all. Hunger? Bordom? A desire for attention? Eagerness to go to Primary class? I need to remind myself to ask why. Why are they acting out? The response should guide my actions and attitude.
I asked my dad the other day how he was approaching his medical condition. Was he gearing up for a fight? His
reply surprised me. "It’s not a fight," he said. "It's more of a dance. My body presents a condition and I respond."
My relationship with my children is similar. It doesn't have to be a fight. It is more of a joint exercise. We are in this together. How will I respond? I’m up against myself, not against my children.
So if we're in this together, parents and children, should we not talk to each other?
Should we not be more open with our own fathers? Those of us who are fortunate enough to have them still with us.
When [our youngest] was born last September, having been through it several times before, I approached the experience not expecting to be moved. With my guard down, of course, she was born and I was blown away. How could I be trusted with this perfect creature? How can love come from nowhere so suddenly, with such force? This, I believe, is a brief sample of our Father in Heaven's love for us. It's overwhelming. It is intense. And it is immediate.
The fatherhood experience is when I have felt closest to eternity. These are the times when I have had confirmed to me that life, and the relationships we create here, is but a window of opportunity. The time we have here may be brief in the grand eternal scale, but there is significant leverage to our overall existence. It is critical that we value each moment for the joys they bring and the lessons they offer.
One day, we'll all understand.
We can expedite that understanding by taking time to be with each other - to truly talk to each other. Talking to each other also means seeking out our Father in Heaven, communicating with him through prayer and quiet meditation. That these lines of communication may be strengthened and more effectual is my prayer."
From our daughter:
"Dad loved us. There has never been a question about that. But, he didn’t know what to do with us. That’s not to say he didn’t try. He built a skateboard and would take my infant brother for rides on it, doing tricks while holding the baby. When I was 10 or 11 years old, he thought it would be great fun to stuff me into our new trash can and put it on the skateboard and take me for a ride. Not so much."Our spiritual development was left to Mom, which she handled beautifully. She made sure Dad was there the night before school started every year to give us Father’s blessings. The intimacy of a Father’s Blessing might have felt awkward to him, but he still did it every year.
"There was a definite tender side to Dad which he didn’t let many people see. Mom would come in the room when I was a newborn, and find him holding me and stroking my cheek. When [my 2nd child] was a baby, I overheard Dad sitting with him in his lap, telling him what a special boy he was and how much he loved him. These tender moments were not frequent, but I never doubted, or even thought to question my Dad’s love for me. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I never doubted or thought to question my Heavenly Father’s love for me. It is just part of being His kid.
"As I have grown, my understanding and knowledge have grown, right along with my finding out how much I don’t understand and don’t know. I now understand that it was a really big deal that my Dad gave us those blessings every year. I don’t remember a single thing that he said in those blessings, I just remember that he did it. It was also a really big deal that he fixed up that old rusted out 1976 Fiat for my brother and I to drive. He didn’t have to do it, but he did it to make our lives easier, and as an expression of his love.
"On the same token, but on a much greater scale, our Savior didn’t have to suffer pains unimaginable and live the life He lived, nor did our Father have to watch Him suffer, but they both did it. They did it to make our lives easier, and as the ultimate expression of their love.
"I didn’t appreciate that old rusty car: I never got the oil changed, I never washed it, I never checked the air in the tires, I never even asked if I could drive it 90 miles north to Logan, Utah to visit a boy, and, everyone knew that if you wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, mine was the car to learn it in.”
“I can’t go back and resurrect the old Fiat and treat it right, but I can express my gratitude to my earthly Father also by living a righteous life, (and maybe by taking good care of the cars we own now.) My Dad sacrificed his entire life to improve the quality of our family, there just aren’t words to show how much that means to me.”
"I love you Dad"
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Insanity
Can you tell my heart has not been in this lately? It has been a really difficult month with the cancer thing. Honey is still home from work and probably will be for at least 2 more weeks. Who knew a little mole could cause such havoc? They removed all the cancer and the lymph nodes they removed were clean. So big deal huh? the incision on the arm is horrid, got infected, and is healing with big holes in it. Not going to be pretty! The armpit incision is pretty nasty but healing nicely. So it's been pretty hard to concentrate and focus. One of these days I will attempt to write some more. In the meantime, if you are new to this blog please do me a huge favor and read from the beginning post!
My best to you all.
My best to you all.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The Weight of Glory
"It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too
deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the
proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest
and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted
to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the
light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all
our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mort al. Nations, cultures, art s, civilization—these are mort al, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immort als whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immort al horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously—no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a
real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner—no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour he is holy in almost
the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat—the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." C. S. Lewis The Weight of Glory
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
He is looking at us
A grieving young father and his two children sit before a television set in their home after a makeshift dinner. The children have been staying with Grandmother while their mother has slowly slipped away in a lingering illness; now they and their father are home again after her funeral. The little girl drops off to sleep and is carried to her bed. The little boy fights off sleepiness until he finally asks his father if tonight, just tonight, he can sleep with him in his bed. As the two lie silently in the dark the lad speaks: “Daddy are you looking at me?’ “Yes, son,” the father replies, “I am looking at you.”
The boy sighs and, exhausted, sleeps. The father waits a time and then, weeping, cries out in the dark, in anxious anguish: “God, are you looking at me? If you are, maybe I can make it. Without you, I know I can’t.”
Our Heavenly Father is looking at us. He loves us and he wants us to choose the path that leads us to happiness here and eternal life hereafter.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Tender Mercies
So we went to visit the oncologist. The dermatologist told us it was only .35 mm deep and that that was good. We have been blissfully ignorant and not really worried even joking about him having cancer. Until Tuesday. As they began to tell us all the gory details I began to feel sick and had to fight back the tears...after all I am the support team (scary huh!). I can't believe all they will be doing. Monday he will go in and be injected with dye so they can find the Sentinel lymph nodes in his left arm. Once found they will be removed. The next day he goes in for the surgery on the melanoma which is done under general anesthesia. they make about an 8" incision in a football shape and remove all tissue within 1.5 cm of the tumor. They continue removing tissue until they have that margin covered then they close it up. On Wednesday we go back to find out the diagnosis. To top it off it turns out the biopsy did not get to the actual depth so we don't know how deep it is. Right now they are classifying it as a stage 1B. If all is well after Wednesday he will go back every 4 months for a year to have his entire body checked. Once you have one melanoma the chances of having another increases dramatically. After that year he will be rechecked every 6 months for 5 years. We won't even address what happens if the results show cancer in the lymph nodes!
It is very surreal to sit there and listen to the whole cancer thing. I have to say it was very traumatic for both of us. The poor guy had no idea any surgery would be involved let alone the extent of it. He was overwhelmed. He kept telling me how sorry he is that I have to go through this and thanking me for being there for him!
It is very surreal to sit there and listen to the whole cancer thing. I have to say it was very traumatic for both of us. The poor guy had no idea any surgery would be involved let alone the extent of it. He was overwhelmed. He kept telling me how sorry he is that I have to go through this and thanking me for being there for him!
He was on a trip to Philly this week for just a few hours. He left the day after our traumatic office visit and he forgot his cell phone. It was difficult not to be able to talk. In addition I was hoping he could get with our son and get a blessing while he was there. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that. He borrowed a cell and called me. I told him my thought about him getting a blessing and he seemed open to it. He gave me his hotel phone number and I called my son and gave it to him.
He returned home the next day and I inquired as to whether or not he was able to connect with our son. He said they had connected and our son met him for dinner. When I asked if he got a blessing his demeanor and tone change ....almost reverential as he said that he had given him a very touching blessing. I was grateful to Heavenly Father not only that he would get a blessing but that it would be meaningful to him.
He returned home the next day and I inquired as to whether or not he was able to connect with our son. He said they had connected and our son met him for dinner. When I asked if he got a blessing his demeanor and tone change ....almost reverential as he said that he had given him a very touching blessing. I was grateful to Heavenly Father not only that he would get a blessing but that it would be meaningful to him.
"Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O Lord: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me." Psalm 40:11
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Greater Love Hath No Man...
I know! I have been a slacker and I apologize.
Last week I attended my brother's ward where his youngest son spoke prior to leaving for a mission. During the sacrament hymn I had a moment. We were singing Oh God the Eternal Father. In the third verse it states "When Jesus, the anointed, descended from above and gave himself a ransom to win our souls with love--..." I was touched by His incredible love not just for His father but also for us--for me. Then it occurred to me that this is what I have learned (and certainly talked about in the blog at times) in our relationships especially the difficult ones. We win them over with love. Withholding love, inflicting pain, punishing, nagging which may seem at times to be the way we need to react do not win souls. Souls are won with love. The only way we can love those who hurt us, is if we love our Father and Savior and let their love fill the void left by the hurt. We can't do this with an ulterior motive. Our only motive can be to be an instrument in our Father's hand to lift and bless another. People are drawn to those who extend our Father's love for that is what we all miss and are searching for.
"I would like to share a remarkable quotation I found in a rare book inLondon one day while searching through the library of the British Museum
“He … made Adam according to Our image and likeness, and He left him lying for forty days and forty nights without putting breath into him. And He heaved sighs over him daily, saying, ‘If I put breath into this [man], he must suffer many pains.’ And I said unto My father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be an advocate for him.’ And My Father said unto Me, ‘If I put breath into him, My beloved Son, Thou wilt be obliged to go down into the world, and to suffer many pains for him before Thou shalt have redeemed him, and made him to come back to his primal state.’ And I said unto My Father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be his advocate, and I will go down into the world, and will fulfil Thy command’ ”
“Miracle of miracles and wonder of wonders," said President Hinckley. "They are interested in us, and we are the substance of Their great concern. They are available to each of us"
Message to self: Let Them fill you with Their love!
Last week I attended my brother's ward where his youngest son spoke prior to leaving for a mission. During the sacrament hymn I had a moment. We were singing Oh God the Eternal Father. In the third verse it states "When Jesus, the anointed, descended from above and gave himself a ransom to win our souls with love--..." I was touched by His incredible love not just for His father but also for us--for me. Then it occurred to me that this is what I have learned (and certainly talked about in the blog at times) in our relationships especially the difficult ones. We win them over with love. Withholding love, inflicting pain, punishing, nagging which may seem at times to be the way we need to react do not win souls. Souls are won with love. The only way we can love those who hurt us, is if we love our Father and Savior and let their love fill the void left by the hurt. We can't do this with an ulterior motive. Our only motive can be to be an instrument in our Father's hand to lift and bless another. People are drawn to those who extend our Father's love for that is what we all miss and are searching for.
Who among us has not felt the great comforting love through the holy ghost of our Father and our Savior when our hearts have been broken, our minds confused, our lives overwhelmed, and our path unclear? How grateful I am for a wise Father who knew how much we would miss him and his love and so provided the way for us to access him even in that absence.
There are many touching evidences in the scriptures of our Father’s love. None touch me more than that found in Moses 7. Enoch has seen Satan with a great chain enslaving the children of god. As they succumb to his temptations he looks up and laughs. Then Enoch testifies that the God of heaven looked upon his children, and he wept; Enoch wonders how this can be seeing that there are numberless creations of God and touchingly states “and yet thou art there.”
Imagine this God who weeps for our sorrows who is involved in the details of our lives. This is not the passionless, incomprehensible God of the Nicene Creed. This is not the all-in-one god much of the world believes in. This is our father who loves us intimately and infinitely. Who is revealed to us through the Holy Ghost. To whom we are led by our Saviors example, sacrifice, and unending love.
I love this by Elder Nelson:
"I would like to share a remarkable quotation I found in a rare book in
“He … made Adam according to Our image and likeness, and He left him lying for forty days and forty nights without putting breath into him. And He heaved sighs over him daily, saying, ‘If I put breath into this [man], he must suffer many pains.’ And I said unto My father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be an advocate for him.’ And My Father said unto Me, ‘If I put breath into him, My beloved Son, Thou wilt be obliged to go down into the world, and to suffer many pains for him before Thou shalt have redeemed him, and made him to come back to his primal state.’ And I said unto My Father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be his advocate, and I will go down into the world, and will fulfil Thy command’ ”
Truly what greater love?
“Miracle of miracles and wonder of wonders," said President Hinckley. "They are interested in us, and we are the substance of Their great concern. They are available to each of us"
D&C 76: 22 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!
23 For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—
24 That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Half of Stick of Gum
He has spent so much of his life in the sun. Grew up in a beach city. He surfed and became a life guard. I remember every year he would come home sun burned after his first day of the summer. When we left the beach life he took up running, biking, swimming. Always in the sun. He has had many pre-cancerous melanoma's removed. Last January he had one burned off. He went back a couple of weeks ago to have it looked at again. The doctor took a biopsy this time. Last Friday the doctor tried to get hold of him but had to leave a message. He was on a trip so couldn't return the call. The doctor called again yesterday. "Must be pretty concerned" I thought. When he was finally able to call the doctor today the doctor told him it was melanoma and he had set up an appointment for him to see an oncologist tomorrow. He can't go as he has yet another trip. First available appointment is in two weeks. "Bring your wife with you" they told him.
I have known lots of people with melanoma. One friend had her toe removed because of one. Another had a big chunk of her leg cut out and a bunch of lymph nodes and then it wouldn't heal. I have yet to know of any who had a melanoma metastasize. But just the mere fact that it could....!
Sunday our High Councilor spoke. I had an amazing experience. It had been a really painful week. My husband had said something to me that really hurt and caused me to question what on earth to do with such information. Talking to him is of no use. He simply will not talk about feelings including mine. As usual I just had to deal with my feelings and forgive.
So at church the speaker talked about this scripture:
My immediate thought was "I need someone to fortify me...to reach out and strengthen me. I hurt." But even as I thought it another thought replaced it "you know that's not how it works. You are healed as you reach out to others." I know but sometimes you just have to imagine what it would be like.
The speaker then went on to quote from the baptismal covenant in Mosiah 18:
“May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.” Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God when someone… is crying,.. .”
Now it's true that our mission is to know the Savior so well that we can reach out to His children in love and compassion like Him...for Him but He loves us and will send angels to strengthen us when we really need them. They may come in the form of a loved one calling to chat, a co-worker telling us we are doing a great job, a friend who waves as they drive by our house, a speaker in sacrament meeting who listens to the spirit and speaks to our heart. Or they may come as a little child offering a half stick of gum.
I have known lots of people with melanoma. One friend had her toe removed because of one. Another had a big chunk of her leg cut out and a bunch of lymph nodes and then it wouldn't heal. I have yet to know of any who had a melanoma metastasize. But just the mere fact that it could....!
Sunday our High Councilor spoke. I had an amazing experience. It had been a really painful week. My husband had said something to me that really hurt and caused me to question what on earth to do with such information. Talking to him is of no use. He simply will not talk about feelings including mine. As usual I just had to deal with my feelings and forgive.
So at church the speaker talked about this scripture:
Alma 56:15-17 15 "And these are the cities which they possessed when I arrived at the city of Judea; and I found Antipus and his men toiling with their might to fortify the city.
16 Yea, and they were depressed in body as well as in spirit, for they had fought valiantly by day and toiled by night to maintain their cities; and thus they had suffered great afflictions of every kind.
17 And now they were determined to conquer in this place or die; therefore you may well suppose that this little force which I brought with me, yea, those sons of mine, gave them great hopes and much joy." My immediate thought was "I need someone to fortify me...to reach out and strengthen me. I hurt." But even as I thought it another thought replaced it "you know that's not how it works. You are healed as you reach out to others." I know but sometimes you just have to imagine what it would be like.
The speaker then went on to quote from the baptismal covenant in Mosiah 18:
8 "And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— "
Yes, I thought, that is the covenant I made and that is how I want to be. Sometimes it's just a little harder than other times. Next he spoke of the new commandment our Savior gave to his disciples found in John. Our Savior knew that what they would miss most when He was gone was His love. That is what we all miss but rarely recognize it.
John 13:33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. Ye shall seek me: and as I said unto the Jews, Whither I go, ye cannot come; so now I say to you.
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
We feel His love for us as we share His love with His children.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Ah...there's the key. We can be comforted and find strength to be healed even in the midst of great adversity if we "come unto" Him. And as Neal Maxwell taught "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity."
As I was contemplating all of this a little boy, about 2 years old, left his family on the other side of the chapel from where I was sitting and came over to me. He handed me a half stick of gum and walked back to his family. I sat and marveled. A minute later he walked back over and shyly stood at the end of the bench where I was sitting. I motioned to him several times to come over but he continued to stand there. Finally he walked to me and whispered "do you need more gum?" "No" I said. " I am fine. But thank you!" and he walked away.
The speaker ended his talk with a quote from Elder Holland's conference talk of October 2008. I love this:
“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.” On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.“May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.” Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God when someone… is crying,.. .”
Now it's true that our mission is to know the Savior so well that we can reach out to His children in love and compassion like Him...for Him but He loves us and will send angels to strengthen us when we really need them. They may come in the form of a loved one calling to chat, a co-worker telling us we are doing a great job, a friend who waves as they drive by our house, a speaker in sacrament meeting who listens to the spirit and speaks to our heart. Or they may come as a little child offering a half stick of gum.
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