Anchors

Have we talked about anchors? You know, you see a picture, hear a song, smell a scent, visit a place and suddenly memories come flooding, unsummoned, into your mind and heart. Sometimes the memories are sweet and we revel in the joy. Other times they are painful and our reaction can be quite different. Sometimes those we live with and are supposed to love poke us in the anchors of our souls. Sometimes when that happens all the pain comes back and hurts all over again. Our reaction to such a nudge is sometimes to lash out at the one poking that anchor. Sometimes we don't even know why. Could it be that our spouse is there precisely to poke us in those unresolved anchors that need so badly to be healed...resolved? Just a thought.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when an anchor I thought was resolved stopped me up short. Yesterday I had another. Some anchors are harder to resolve than others I guess. Even those we may think we are past.
My husband and I were going to babysit our grandkids so our son and his wife could go to NJ to see U2 in concert. As a sort of reward (as if being with the grandkids isn't reward enough) they bought a 2nd set of tickets for the following night's performance for us to go. I haven't listened to U2 for years though during the midst of our ordeal I listened to Achtung Baby alot. The songs then seemed to speak to all I was experiencing. Words like
"I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted.'

My heart ached to words like
"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim"
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world."

And though these words from Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses I related to"
"You're dangerous, 'cos you're honest.
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want.
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt."

He related to these as he contemplated leaving her:
"Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your saltwater kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee? "

So a lot of anchors there...but pretty much resolved.....I thought.
He burned the playlist for the U2 concert to CD and put it in my car so I could hear it a few times before we went to the event. I was driving along when "One" came on. Of all those U2 songs this one seemed to have been written for our heartache:

"Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other... one

...Did I ask too much, more than a lot
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got.
We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.

You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt."

I was completely unprepared for the tears that not only welled up in my eyes but were spilling down my face. I was sobbing there at the stop light so surprised that this anchor still could hurt.

But at this point I had a choice. I could punish him for the pain or I could resolve it...not bury it for another painful day, resolve it. I told him of my reaction but I didn't say why or put any shame or blame on him. After all, this is my anchor. It is simply not fair for me to continue to punish him for something that is over for him. How can he let it go and let our Savior take that burden if I keep it alive? It's not my place.

At the concert I wondered how I would react when they sang One. It was fine. I enjoyed the song, sang along and had just a small tear in my eye, but it wasn't painful. It was actually kind of sweet!

Anchor #2.
Did I mention he is a flight attendant? Flies with LOTS of women. He also loves to take pictures. A while ago he was on a layover in Phoenix. They stay at a very nice resort nestled in some hills. He loves to walk or run those hills. On one layover he went with one of the other attendants to show her where he runs. He took pictures. He told me all about it when he came home. I didn't think much about it until yesterday. I was looking through his picture on the computer trying to find one of him. I clicked on the "Katie in Phoenix" folder and put it on slide show. There were several of her...no big deal and then one came up of the two of them. They were sitting close to take a picture of themselves. An electric shock flowed from my head to my toes and a feeling of panic hit me. I was stunned. "it couldn't be" I thought. But still there was a fear that maybe, just maybe it could be happening again. I felt sick. When he called me later I told him what happened. As I was talking I started to cry. I couldn't believe how much this scared me. In gentle tones he apologized saying that it had been insensitive and unfair to me. This is a woman he has known since high school. They were trying to figure out his new camera. It was nothing. And I knew that in my heart.

Anchors...ahhhhhgggg! they can be difficult but they can be resolved. They, like all our burdens, can be dropped at the feet of our loving, knowing, understanding Savior. He can heal all things.

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.