Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The journey takes a detour...again.
From the honeymoon there was trouble. We had dated for 3 years and I thought we were close. I thought I knew him. What I found out is that we could not communicate at all. Neither of us had a clue how. Neither felt safe to open up to the other. We drove the entire trip home from Big Sur in silence. It was painful. You think when you love someone and have been with them for years that you know them. When we were in our 40's I finally realized I didn't know his heart...I only knew what I saw or created in my mind. We lived upstairs from his parents in a little apartment. He took a job one day a week as his mother's driver. His parents did not like me at all and so most of the day she spent trying to convince him to leave me. It made our relationship difficult. There were good times though. We really did love each other.
I was wrong about him going to church with me. I went alone. Eventually I made some wonderful friends and served in callings that were very fulfilling. But I could see I would not be sealed in the temple any time soon. I suppose I withheld a portion of myself because it hurt.
We had our first child. A son who brought great joy to our lives. Having a child made me see that when I had made the decision to marry out of the temple that decision didn't just affect me, it affected my child and perhaps generations. I was terrified but determined to live worthy of Father's guidance and help. I was determined that my children would be taught the gospel and would be faithful.
I remember walking my son in his stroller and contemplating how long I would stay with my husband without a temple sealing. One day I decided I would give it one more year. But the years passed and nothing changed. There were difficult and devastating trials and there were fun, happy times. It seemed that Father wanted me to stay.
We had our second child 2 and 1/2 years after our first. A daughter. I watched him hold her tenderly. I hoped this would bring a change of heart. Having a family made him worry endlessly about his responsibilities and his ability to support us. He worked for an airline and, in the summer, as a lifeguard at the beach. We were doing ok. There were struggles, but there were good times too. Our children brought us much joy. But no temple sealing. I continued to attend church without him and did my best to teach our children the gospel.
The years went by. We moved to Salt Lake City and built a home. A month after we moved in he lost his job. Our neighbor, a very outspoken but tenderhearted man, offered him work in his lathe business. It was difficult work but the joy for me was that this man came to love my husband and was not afraid to teach him the gospel.
My husband began attending church with us. Eleven years after we were married we were sealed to each other and to our children. He served in the church, we had family prayer, we attended the temple together. I felt that there was something missing in his conversion. But to his credit he really tried to fit in to what he considered the mold of a good LDS husband and father. Life was pretty good. We were happy.
I went back to college to finish my degree and graduated in 1989. I began teaching high school that same year. Our son left on his mission in November of 1990. Our daughter graduated from high school in 1992. Our daughter was getting ready to start college and had her own life though she lived at home. It was much more devastating for me when our son left on his mission that I could have dreamed. I mourned! I missed him so much and it really messed with my identity as a mother. I felt as though I had spent my life as a mother and now my son was ripped from my arms. Who was I now? It was hard. But I was grateful he was worthy and wanted to serve a mission so I began to feel some measure of peace. But I did miss him. Teaching school was very difficult for me. I loved my students but found the whole experience to be very draining. I slipped into depression. I didn't even notice that when my husband came home at night he went straight to bed without a word. How long had that been going on? I was exhausted and would come home and lay on the couch after work or serving in my church calling in Young Women. I had taken on a part time job at Nordstrom.
So it was September 20, 1992. I had made a bed on the living room floor for he and I because our water bed had sprung a leak. The bathroom was being remodeled so our toilet was on the landing in the entry hall. The tub out in the yard! It was homecoming and our daughter did not want her date picking her up in this mess so she spend the night at my mother's house. All of this should perhaps have been a portent of what lay ahead. The night before the ward clerk had called to see if my husband and I would give the prayers at church the next morning. I told him we would. When my husband called I told him. He said nothing. He woke me up the next morning. "I called Jack to tell him I wasn't going to be able to give a prayer today" he said. At that moment my blood ran cold. "Why?" I asked him.
"From inconsolability it's a short distance to bitterness." Neal Maxwell. I had no way to be prepared for what came from his mouth next. I probably should have seen it coming, but I didn't!
I went back to college to finish my degree and graduated in 1989. I began teaching high school that same year. Our son left on his mission in November of 1990. Our daughter graduated from high school in 1992. Our daughter was getting ready to start college and had her own life though she lived at home. It was much more devastating for me when our son left on his mission that I could have dreamed. I mourned! I missed him so much and it really messed with my identity as a mother. I felt as though I had spent my life as a mother and now my son was ripped from my arms. Who was I now? It was hard. But I was grateful he was worthy and wanted to serve a mission so I began to feel some measure of peace. But I did miss him. Teaching school was very difficult for me. I loved my students but found the whole experience to be very draining. I slipped into depression. I didn't even notice that when my husband came home at night he went straight to bed without a word. How long had that been going on? I was exhausted and would come home and lay on the couch after work or serving in my church calling in Young Women. I had taken on a part time job at Nordstrom.
So it was September 20, 1992. I had made a bed on the living room floor for he and I because our water bed had sprung a leak. The bathroom was being remodeled so our toilet was on the landing in the entry hall. The tub out in the yard! It was homecoming and our daughter did not want her date picking her up in this mess so she spend the night at my mother's house. All of this should perhaps have been a portent of what lay ahead. The night before the ward clerk had called to see if my husband and I would give the prayers at church the next morning. I told him we would. When my husband called I told him. He said nothing. He woke me up the next morning. "I called Jack to tell him I wasn't going to be able to give a prayer today" he said. At that moment my blood ran cold. "Why?" I asked him.
"From inconsolability it's a short distance to bitterness." Neal Maxwell. I had no way to be prepared for what came from his mouth next. I probably should have seen it coming, but I didn't!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Can This Work?
I asked Him out on our first 2 dates, something that was very unlike me. I really wanted to date this guy. On the first date we drove to Ogden. My excuse--I needed a ride to a wedding reception of a friend from my youth. She was just barely 19 and I hadn't seen her since we were about 14. He had a car...no, a small ford falcon truck. We asked my roomie and her boyfriend to go with us so we all squished into the very small cab of the truck.
We went from Provo to Ogden, back then there wasn't a freeway all the way, attended the reception and then went to my Aunt and Uncle's home where we played pool. I did not know how to play so he had to put his arms around me to show me how to hold a cue. Not a bad way to spend a first date.
It was a cold, snowy night and his car dripped freezing water on my feet on the ride home, but I didn't care!
The next date was about a month later. Our girl's dorm was having a formal ball. He accepted but then went skiing the day before and broke his leg. I was sure it was just an excuse so he wouldn't have to go with me. Never mind that he would have to wear a cast he didn't need if that were true. I was broken hearted. Turned out he really did break his leg.
Eventually he asked me out on a date. And he was baptized during this time.
He used to call me and, without a word, play songs over the phone and then hang up. The first one he ever played was Both Sides Now sung by Judy Collins. There was one line that stood out to me and I was sure this was why he played it: "to say 'I love you' right outloud." I was thrilled! Now that I really know him I think he just thought it was a nice song that I would like. It seems that guys and girls are always reading into each other's actions what they long to find there.
At the beginning of our Sophomore year at BYU I was so excited to see him again I could hardly stand it. The summer had been torture without him. He wrote me letters that I didn't always understand and in which I tried to find the hidden declaration of his love for me.
When I saw him in Cannon Center I headed his way, but being very nervous, stopped and talked to others on my way to him. When I finally reached him he was disappointingly cold. How devastated I was! That was the beginning of 2 1/2 tumultuous years of dating. Turns out that my hesitation in getting over to him that day made him very nervous and suspicious. He didn't want to get hurt and so he backed off. We were on again, off again and many Friday nights I would watch him from the porch of Cannon Center while he sat at the desk in his dorm room listening to music through his head phones--which prompted me to call him and play "You're Gonna Lose That Girl" by the Beatles.
It was that same year that one of his friends saw a huge picture of a diamond ring on my wall in my dorm room and told him that he had better beware..."All this girl wants is marriage!" he was told. He backed off again.
I didn't understand why he didn't want to get married until he started telling me about his parent's marriage and his difficult family life.
The next summer was painful as he broke up with me yet again. Yet toward the end of the summer he sent me Love Story. I could never quite understand him.
He didn't return to BYU our junior year. We communicated from afar. It was one of the most difficult years of my life...to that point anyway. He came to Provo a few times and I found rides to LA when I could. It never really felt like me. It was on one of those trips that he told me we were getting married. You might recall the "proposal" from the previous post. And so this takes us the the events of the night before we were to marry in the home of his neighbor.
We had pulled in to the driveway of a house on a little street perpendicular to the LA Temple. As you recall, I was feeling the remorse of unwise choices that meant we would be getting married the next day in his neighbors home near the beach. He had turned off the engine, started to get out and asked "Are you coming?"
"No" I said. "You go ahead."
He got out of the car and went in to chant with his fellow Nichiren Sho Shu friends. I sat there a minute or two and then got out of the car. I looked at the angel Moroni brightly lit atop the temple spire and began walking toward it. It was late and dark but the gates to the grounds were still open. I walked onto the grounds and around to the front of the temple. I continued right up the steps to the door and just stood there. I began to cry. Here I was standing at the door of this majestic, beautiful edifice with it's promise of blessings eternal for all who worthily entered there. I walked up to the door and put my hand on it. I knew it couldn't be more that a few inches that separated me from the interior of the temple, yet the distance in reality was far, far greater. The choices I had made dictated that it was so.
After a time I stepped back. I did not want to leave. The spirit of that place sunk deep into my heart and soul and I longed to be there. I determined that I would be in that temple, sealed to my love by next year at this time.
As I wiped the tears from away from my eyes, I returned to the car. Shortly thereafter he joined me. We barely spoke. I didn't tell him what I felt, what I had experienced, what I had vowed. The next day we were married in his neighbor's home. As we committed ourselves to each other until we die, rather than for eternity, I quietly wept. Those watching thought it was charming that I was so touched by my wedding. They did not know that I was weeping not for joy. Do not doubt, however. I loved him.
"Apparently it is necessary for us at times to be brought to a white knuckles point of anxiety so as to recognize when rescued who our rescuer is." Neal A. Maxwell
I had no idea the path that lay ahead!
We went from Provo to Ogden, back then there wasn't a freeway all the way, attended the reception and then went to my Aunt and Uncle's home where we played pool. I did not know how to play so he had to put his arms around me to show me how to hold a cue. Not a bad way to spend a first date.
It was a cold, snowy night and his car dripped freezing water on my feet on the ride home, but I didn't care!
The next date was about a month later. Our girl's dorm was having a formal ball. He accepted but then went skiing the day before and broke his leg. I was sure it was just an excuse so he wouldn't have to go with me. Never mind that he would have to wear a cast he didn't need if that were true. I was broken hearted. Turned out he really did break his leg.
Eventually he asked me out on a date. And he was baptized during this time.
He used to call me and, without a word, play songs over the phone and then hang up. The first one he ever played was Both Sides Now sung by Judy Collins. There was one line that stood out to me and I was sure this was why he played it: "to say 'I love you' right outloud." I was thrilled! Now that I really know him I think he just thought it was a nice song that I would like. It seems that guys and girls are always reading into each other's actions what they long to find there.
At the beginning of our Sophomore year at BYU I was so excited to see him again I could hardly stand it. The summer had been torture without him. He wrote me letters that I didn't always understand and in which I tried to find the hidden declaration of his love for me.
When I saw him in Cannon Center I headed his way, but being very nervous, stopped and talked to others on my way to him. When I finally reached him he was disappointingly cold. How devastated I was! That was the beginning of 2 1/2 tumultuous years of dating. Turns out that my hesitation in getting over to him that day made him very nervous and suspicious. He didn't want to get hurt and so he backed off. We were on again, off again and many Friday nights I would watch him from the porch of Cannon Center while he sat at the desk in his dorm room listening to music through his head phones--which prompted me to call him and play "You're Gonna Lose That Girl" by the Beatles.
It was that same year that one of his friends saw a huge picture of a diamond ring on my wall in my dorm room and told him that he had better beware..."All this girl wants is marriage!" he was told. He backed off again.
I didn't understand why he didn't want to get married until he started telling me about his parent's marriage and his difficult family life.
The next summer was painful as he broke up with me yet again. Yet toward the end of the summer he sent me Love Story. I could never quite understand him.
He didn't return to BYU our junior year. We communicated from afar. It was one of the most difficult years of my life...to that point anyway. He came to Provo a few times and I found rides to LA when I could. It never really felt like me. It was on one of those trips that he told me we were getting married. You might recall the "proposal" from the previous post. And so this takes us the the events of the night before we were to marry in the home of his neighbor.
We had pulled in to the driveway of a house on a little street perpendicular to the LA Temple. As you recall, I was feeling the remorse of unwise choices that meant we would be getting married the next day in his neighbors home near the beach. He had turned off the engine, started to get out and asked "Are you coming?"
"No" I said. "You go ahead."
He got out of the car and went in to chant with his fellow Nichiren Sho Shu friends. I sat there a minute or two and then got out of the car. I looked at the angel Moroni brightly lit atop the temple spire and began walking toward it. It was late and dark but the gates to the grounds were still open. I walked onto the grounds and around to the front of the temple. I continued right up the steps to the door and just stood there. I began to cry. Here I was standing at the door of this majestic, beautiful edifice with it's promise of blessings eternal for all who worthily entered there. I walked up to the door and put my hand on it. I knew it couldn't be more that a few inches that separated me from the interior of the temple, yet the distance in reality was far, far greater. The choices I had made dictated that it was so.
After a time I stepped back. I did not want to leave. The spirit of that place sunk deep into my heart and soul and I longed to be there. I determined that I would be in that temple, sealed to my love by next year at this time.
As I wiped the tears from away from my eyes, I returned to the car. Shortly thereafter he joined me. We barely spoke. I didn't tell him what I felt, what I had experienced, what I had vowed. The next day we were married in his neighbor's home. As we committed ourselves to each other until we die, rather than for eternity, I quietly wept. Those watching thought it was charming that I was so touched by my wedding. They did not know that I was weeping not for joy. Do not doubt, however. I loved him.
"Apparently it is necessary for us at times to be brought to a white knuckles point of anxiety so as to recognize when rescued who our rescuer is." Neal A. Maxwell
I had no idea the path that lay ahead!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Bumped and Bruised Along the Way
September 20, 1992 changed my life forever. I now remember my journey in terms of before 9/20/1992 and after. The transformation of my soul has been an adventure fraught with danger, fear, deepest sadness, love, greatest joy, amazement. Really the journey has to begin in January, 1968. That's when I met HIM. He was eating in the cafeteria in Cannon Center at BYU where we were both 2nd semester freshmen. I spotted him sitting by a guy I knew and decided to join them. My roomie joined us as well. He was TALL! I was tall but had mostly dated shorter guys.
I had spent my few dating years in Dallas and, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had only started dating when I was 16.
Actually, that isn't really accurate. I was ready to begin dating when I was 16 but didn't have many dates. Oh, there were guys I "loved" but mostly from afar. RGN was one. Oh how I adored him. He was my brother's friend. I would sit with them as they played their guitar's together never speaking to each other or to me. Barely aware that I was even there. I asked RGN to the only girl's choice dance I attended in high school...one of only two dances I went to. He went with me. When I took him home we sat in the car and talked a bit and then he asked "Are we just friends?" "Yes!" I lied. Then he kissed me. Our relationship became friends who kissed...a lot!
I dated Scott. He was a foot shorter than me. We had so much fun together. We laughed all the time. He would stand on the top step and me down one to kiss goodnight. Once as we were walking into a movie theater and he was holding my hand he laughingly said "wouldn't it be funny if people thought you were my big sister?"
I met LKM one summer. He was 6'7". He convinced me that we would be together forever...or until he went home at the end of the summer and hooked up with his old girlfriend again, which he did.
So when I saw HIM I was smitten. My roomie and I argued over who should get to have him (not bothering to consider that he might not be interested!). I insisted it should be me because he was tall and my roomie was short. She could find a million guys taller than her.
I won.
We dated for 3 years. I desperately wanted to get married. He did not.
He left BYU and during a trip I took to visit him a girl showed up at his door. When I questioned him about her he said "Why are you worried? We are getting married." That was as close to a proposal as I ever got. But who cared! We were getting married.
If you know anything about the LDS faith you know our goal is to marry in one of our temples where marriages and families are sealed forever by the power of the Priesthood of God which has been restored to the earth. There you are sealed. Not just wed for this life but joined, sealed, meshed for all time and all eternity. I had always planned on this for me. It was my goal from my youth.
It was not going to happen.
He was not LDS when I met him. He had been baptized into the church while at BYU but the total conversion wasn't there. Not the total "I love the Lord and the Gospel of Jesus Christ and desire to live it at all costs" kind of conversion. After leaving BYU he took up with Nichiren Shoshu a Buddist sect. He chanted for a Porsche, something he would not get in my church.
I was certain that once we were married he would go to church with me and become converted, an idea I had repeatedly been warned against buying into. But I bought!
I loved, adored, worshiped this guy. I gave up my plans, my dreams for what I now wanted, needed more than anything...Him. But it was not his fault. It was my choice though he was very persuasive... he was sweet, soft spoken, kind, smart and oh, so good looking! And he loved me.
The night before we were to be married in his neighbor's home in Manhattan Beach he invited me to attend one of his chanting meetings. I figured that if I wanted him to come to church with me I needed to go with him.
We drove north on the San Diego freeway. In the distance I could see the Los Angeles, LDS, Temple. I tried not to notice as it was making me very uncomfortable.
To my dismay he merged onto the Santa Monica freeway east which paralleled Santa Monica Boulevard, the street the temple was on. I couldn't wait until we passed the temple. It was majestic and beautiful with a sense of invitation and peace. But we didn't pass it. In fact we exited the freeway and began to drive right to the temple! I thought I would burst. He turned up the street that bordered the temple's east side and turned on to a side street perpendicular, an alley almost. He pulled in to a driveway and stopped the car. As he turned off the engine I sat stunned. There was the temple a symbol of all I had hoped for, planned on, dreamed of now a symbol of all I had given up.
"Are you coming?" he asked?
"Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it." Viktor Frankl
Until next time...find joy in YOUR journey.
I had spent my few dating years in Dallas and, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had only started dating when I was 16.
Actually, that isn't really accurate. I was ready to begin dating when I was 16 but didn't have many dates. Oh, there were guys I "loved" but mostly from afar. RGN was one. Oh how I adored him. He was my brother's friend. I would sit with them as they played their guitar's together never speaking to each other or to me. Barely aware that I was even there. I asked RGN to the only girl's choice dance I attended in high school...one of only two dances I went to. He went with me. When I took him home we sat in the car and talked a bit and then he asked "Are we just friends?" "Yes!" I lied. Then he kissed me. Our relationship became friends who kissed...a lot!
I dated Scott. He was a foot shorter than me. We had so much fun together. We laughed all the time. He would stand on the top step and me down one to kiss goodnight. Once as we were walking into a movie theater and he was holding my hand he laughingly said "wouldn't it be funny if people thought you were my big sister?"
I met LKM one summer. He was 6'7". He convinced me that we would be together forever...or until he went home at the end of the summer and hooked up with his old girlfriend again, which he did.
So when I saw HIM I was smitten. My roomie and I argued over who should get to have him (not bothering to consider that he might not be interested!). I insisted it should be me because he was tall and my roomie was short. She could find a million guys taller than her.
I won.
We dated for 3 years. I desperately wanted to get married. He did not.
He left BYU and during a trip I took to visit him a girl showed up at his door. When I questioned him about her he said "Why are you worried? We are getting married." That was as close to a proposal as I ever got. But who cared! We were getting married.
If you know anything about the LDS faith you know our goal is to marry in one of our temples where marriages and families are sealed forever by the power of the Priesthood of God which has been restored to the earth. There you are sealed. Not just wed for this life but joined, sealed, meshed for all time and all eternity. I had always planned on this for me. It was my goal from my youth.
It was not going to happen.
He was not LDS when I met him. He had been baptized into the church while at BYU but the total conversion wasn't there. Not the total "I love the Lord and the Gospel of Jesus Christ and desire to live it at all costs" kind of conversion. After leaving BYU he took up with Nichiren Shoshu a Buddist sect. He chanted for a Porsche, something he would not get in my church.
I was certain that once we were married he would go to church with me and become converted, an idea I had repeatedly been warned against buying into. But I bought!
I loved, adored, worshiped this guy. I gave up my plans, my dreams for what I now wanted, needed more than anything...Him. But it was not his fault. It was my choice though he was very persuasive... he was sweet, soft spoken, kind, smart and oh, so good looking! And he loved me.
The night before we were to be married in his neighbor's home in Manhattan Beach he invited me to attend one of his chanting meetings. I figured that if I wanted him to come to church with me I needed to go with him.
We drove north on the San Diego freeway. In the distance I could see the Los Angeles, LDS, Temple. I tried not to notice as it was making me very uncomfortable.
To my dismay he merged onto the Santa Monica freeway east which paralleled Santa Monica Boulevard, the street the temple was on. I couldn't wait until we passed the temple. It was majestic and beautiful with a sense of invitation and peace. But we didn't pass it. In fact we exited the freeway and began to drive right to the temple! I thought I would burst. He turned up the street that bordered the temple's east side and turned on to a side street perpendicular, an alley almost. He pulled in to a driveway and stopped the car. As he turned off the engine I sat stunned. There was the temple a symbol of all I had hoped for, planned on, dreamed of now a symbol of all I had given up.
"Are you coming?" he asked?
"Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it." Viktor Frankl
Until next time...find joy in YOUR journey.
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