Where is she now....

She came up in our conversation the other day. One of the hardest things for me to learn was to not bring her up or their experience. I wanted to talk about it all the time. I finally learned to let it go. Especially after all these years why should I bring up his sins? I wouldn't want him to keep talking about mine.
A few years ago he told me that he had run in to her at an airport where she was now working. He said she is a shell of a person. He watched others interact around her like she wasn't there...like a cipher. She had once been very fit (recall part of what he enjoyed about her was her fitness...and the activities they both enjoyed like cross country skiing and cycling) but now was "soft" and a bit pudgy. She had a hollow, vacant look in her eyes and they didn't have much to say to each other.
You would think, perhaps, that I would feel vindicated by that news. That I would feel she got what she deserved. Even I was surprised at my reaction. I felt nothing but compassion. This daughter of God had no idea of her eternal value. She never did. I thought of all we had learned through our pain. What had she learned? She asked me once if I really wanted him back even though he had no desire to have The Church in his life. I told her I loved him no matter what and always would. As painful as it is that he will not be baptized, we are still so much happier than she is. We have hope. I truly hurt for her.
The other day when he brought up her name he told me that he had flown with a friend of hers who told him that she left employment with the airlines and worked for a time for TSA and now works for the DMV. She is alone and lonely. It is sad.
Again I recall the day he told me he would never stop loving her. He truly believed he needed her and could not exist without her. Any love he feels for her now has nothing to do with romantic love. That makes him shutter. Any love he feels for her is the love one caring human being feels for another when they themselves are filled with the love of our Father.
"Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness.

"And please don't ask if that's fair --- that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don't ask if 'justice' doesn't demand that it be the other way around. No, whatever you do don't ask for justice. You and I know that what we plead for is mercy --- and that is what we must be willing to give." Jeffrey Holland

The pathway of discipleship is not an easy one. But with our hand in His it becomes easier and it is always worth it.

The Card

I know it's a bit unexpected that I should write so soon but today I received a card in the mail from my husband. He sent it while he was in Philly.
Inside he wrote:
" I know I haven't learned much, but I have learned that your love is the breath of my life. I'm just waiting for the time when I see you again, so I can inhale."
As I have said some miracles take time. But they do come!

Happy Birthday

So it's my birthday today.  I couldn't help but ponder on the many, many birthdays that I hoped, even when there was no past experience to offer such hope, that he would actually care.  When we were young married's and he would work on my birthday (he worked swing shift) and not buy me a gift because pay day was tomorrow (how about thinking ahead and buying something BEFORE my birthday?) and then tomorrow would come and since my birthday was past what was the point, it really messed with me.  Every year I would think "this is the year he will surprise me" but I knew deep down that that was not going to happen.  Still I would hope only to be hurt again.  Eventually I realized it would be less painful to just not expect anything.  As our  kids grew older they did their best  to do something for me.  I always remember the year my husband was on a day shift on my birthday.  When he came home I was cooking dinner.  He was sitting at the counter and my back was to him.  after a time I heard our son say "Dad, what did you get mom for her birthday?"  My back was still to him and I didn't turn around...it was silent.   I knew he had not remembered.  Finally I turned around to see the look of complete bewilderment on his face.

During the years that he had "checked out" of our marriage I didn't know what to expect.  I think I mentioned that one year he actually went shopping for a gift for me with her.  I think she was ok with that since they had already made plans to be together the day after my birthday.  He bought me something I would have normally quite liked but I knew he hadn't been alone so it just hurt. 

In subsequent years he was seldom home on my birthday and by now I had come to the realization that happiness has to come from within so I started planning things on my birthday that I would enjoy...a pedicure, shopping, and a birthday cake from my favorite bakery.   But that was then.

A few years ago he really blew my mind when he bought me flowers, a video and an ipod!  That was a first and this time they were from the heart.  The past few years he has made a point of making sure he has my birthday off.  At first I wasn't sure I really liked that.  I had gotten used to celebrating my own way!

Today he is home.  But he has been gone for 3 days and will leave again tomorrow for 3 more.  Since it's Sunday we really can't go anywhere.  So Friday I ordered myself a cake.  It was really quite humorous since they asked me what I wanted it to say on it.  I told them "Happy Birthday ___________" (my name).  All was fine until they asked me who was ordering it.  I paused and tried to think of another name to give them so they wouldn't know I was buying my own birthday cake but in the end I just told them the same name.

He got home at about 9 pm and saw the cake box on the counter.  "You bought yourself a cake?" he asked.  I told him I was doing him a favor since he had been gone so couldn't have purchased a cake.  Then he revealed a small box from a very quaint bakery in Philly where he had been.  He bought me a cake!  So this is where we are. Right where I wanted to be 38 years ago.  We finally got there but only by a journey of a lifetime.  The interesting thing is now I don' t expect anything and if something great happens it's a bonus.  But if nothing happens it doesn't' ruin my day.  There is so much peace in letting go of "real or imagined grievances against [our spouse] and setting our heart to love and bless....  We stand in a sacred relationship to the people in our lives, especially family, because they are not there by chance.  The people in our lives were placed there not only for us to enjoy but also to cross us and to dissatisfy us from time to time so that we can learn that love is not a matter of personal satisfaction but a going out of our hearts to empathize with , to understand, and to try to bless the other, giving up the demand of the natural man for satisfaction---to love the other, to forgive the other, to cease to demand that the other satisfy us, and to seek to be able to bless that person.  Relationships were given to us to develop us in love."  M. Catherine Thomas

Remember:    “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success.

   And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.

   And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.

   And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul...”  Alma 26: 27-30 

He is always there to sustain, love, lift, encourage, strengthen, teach and bless us on our journey.  The journey is much lighter when we love and trust Him and the love His children for Him.

Endure on your journey....you WILL be blessed.

Hugs!

The "fine line"

Obviously when someone does somthing that hurts we feel pain.  Sometimes we feel anger, frustration, fear, and a myriad of other possible emotions.  We wouldn't be human if we didn't.  We wouldn't learn if we didn't.  But it's what we do with those emotions that determines the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

You know the slogan "Trials, tribulations and afflictions are mandatory; misery is optional."

Often misery doesn't feel optional.   We feel powerless to overcome the hurt.  Really we are.  On our own that is.  But as I love to say "With God all things are possible."

The important thing is to not let the pain mess with us past the fine line.  The fine line is where the pain begins to take us off our course.  Our course is to stay on the path back to Father and to help others on our way.  The course is to learn divine qualities that really are mostly learned in the furnace of alliction.   We will have adversity and, as I listed as the number 1 lesson my pain taught me, it is not a punishment but an opportunity for growth.  You remove the pain you remove the lessons.  You have to stay in the ordeal to learn the lessons that experience will teach you.  I am not talking about staying in the sense that one should never leave an abusive relation.  If one's life is indangered one must run to safety.  But to stay in the ordeal means to resolve it rather that to wall it up.

Back to the fine line.  Think of our Heavenly Father.  What if all the things we do that are not His will were to make Him crazy and take Him off His course which is to love us.  What if He threw up His hands and said "That's it.  You have hurt me too much.  I am done with you".   If He were to do that the whole plan would be frustrated.  Of course He is God after all and has more power to overcome than we do.  But with His love and help we can learn the lessons well.

Our Savior did not let His pain take Him off His course to love and rescue us.  

"And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground".  Luke 22:41-44

He asked the Father to remove His cup but that request was denied.  Even His prayers weren't always answered the way He hoped.  But He continued His course and because of that we are all able to return home.  And in the process He learned.  He who was sinless learned what it felt like to be abused.  He learned what it felt like to have cancer.  He learned what it felt like to have a spouse say "I don't love you anymore."  He learned all these things and more by feeling our actual experiences.  Each of ours...personally.  And He saw our faces and knew us and His love for each of us individually grew beyond comprehension.  Imagine how your love grows for someone when you see their pain.  Think of how it pains you when your children hurt, when a friend loses a child, when a father becomes the sole parent after the death of the love of his life, when your mother suffers through the horrific pains of cancer.   Even when you see these scenes played out on TV of people you don't know your heart swells.  Think of 9-11 when we were all glued to our TV sobbing over the pain of so many lost lives.  Then imagine the One who loves you most and has  known you for eons seeing your sufferings.  He knows and loves you...intimately.

If we can learn to love when it hurts to do so we begin to become like Him and our burden is lifted.  If in our suffering we can reach out to others our burden becomes lighter (empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! Maxwell).  If in our suffering we can learn patience, truly unconditionaly love, how to access His strength and walk with Him, to trust Him and His plan for us, forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and other divine qualities we will be able to feel and say as Lehi  “But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” 1Nephi 1:15

We won't be perfect in this life.  There will be many traits we struggle to learn and obstacles to overcome but if we let pain overcome us to the point we are not able to learn but instead become inconsolable, unkind, miserable and bitter we will have let it take us past the fine line and off our course which would utimately lead us home.  Gratefully we can always start again.  Learning never ends.

"…know thou, my [child], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.  The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?  Therefore, hold on thy way…” D&C 121:7-9 

 The key is found in last week's blog.  Come unto Him.  Take His yoke upon you.  Come out of the world so you can feel his love for you.  Love His children.  "If with all your hearts you try to take His children home, you will be there too."  President Eyring.

I love you.  He loves you.  Let Him carry you.

His love

Okay~  so I have pondered this a bit more this week.  Why do some of us really know Him and some of us merely know of Him?  They are not the same thing.  All my life I have known of Him, loved Him, followed him but as I came to find out it is NOT the same as knowing Him.  And why did I come to know Him in my grief?   How does that all work? I am no one special.  What He has done for me He will do for all His children.And I am certain there are many, many people who have an even deeper personal relationship to Him than I.  

 Maybe we really don't understand that we can actually have a personal relationship with Him.  I remember feeling Him near in my teenage years.  But did I really get the kind of relationship that was possible?  I mean you have to admit it seems impossible that He could know us all.  Yet He can and does.

At the time I was coming to know Him I devoted a great deal of time to the effort.  As I have mentioned I did not want to continue to live in such horrific pain.  I also realized that life is a series of "tutorials" as Neal Maxwell calls them and I really wanted to learn this lesson now and only once.  I did not ever want to feel this kind of pain again!!!!!  I was determined to learn the lesson this adversity was to teach me and then get on with my life. I did not want to ever have to repeat such a painful learning experience.  I think that if we don't learn the lesson we will (eeekkk) continue to suffer or  have other adversities that will teach us.  We are here to learn through our experiences.

I know the saying is trite but truly we are not human beings here to have a spiritual experience!  We are His beloved sons and daughters, divine, loved, nobel.  We are spiritual beings here to have human experiences.  Yet so often we live in the humaness rather than the spirit.  It's so easy to be distracted from our purpose!  Especially when we hurt.

It's not that I haven't have severe trials since this huge one....I have.  I have cried myself to sleep many a night over other challenges but through it all I have clung to the one major lesson I learned...that I can ALWAYS trust in my Father in Heaven and His plan for me.  He is there... I do not walk alone.  I have learned that I will not always understand the whys but I can trust that He is there and loves me and will teach me the hows.  He is not as harsh and demanding that we sometimes think He is.

So in reflecting on what was different about my relationship with Him pre this "tutorial" and then during and post here's what I have come to understand.

You really have to focus on Him.  You have to believe that you can literally, I mean literally feel His arms around you.  You have to trust that He would really, really do that for you and then allow Him to.  I would actually take time each day to imagine He could really love me.  ME.  Not us, as in all of us,  His children, jointly but ME.  All by myself.  Did I explain the scriptural validation I found to support that this is possible?  I will have to go back and see.  Anyway, when the scriptures say to "ask, seek and knock" it is not a casual, superficial thing.  It is real effort with real longing over time.

It doesn't require huge amounts of time, but I have to admit at the time I was really devoting a lot of time to this effort.  I didn't have a calling and I was teaching school part-time.  I couldn't really function in life so I did have the time to devote to this effort.  And i found that when I was immersed in trying to understand and feel His love I actually felt better...for a moment at first and then for longer and longer periods of time.

Imagine that every day you spent 5 minutes telling yourself all of the reasons you are not worthy or loveable.  Would that have an impact after a year?   Pretty sure you would feel unloveable!

Suppose each day you spent 5 minutes imagining the Savior's arms around you. What kind of impact might that have on your life?  I had spent time on this exercise.  I had spent time practicing feeling happy.  Sometimes I could only pull it off for only a few  seconds but I kept at it.  

Every time I had an impression that I thought might have come from Heavenly Father I chose to believe it did.  I did not dismiss the feelings of love He sent me.  I prayed as though He was in the room.  I imagined He was with me everywhere I went.  I looked at His children through the lens of His love.  I came to know He was there...right by me.  It makes all the difference to allow Him to love you.  It makes all the difference to allow him to fill you with the love He feels for your spouse and others.  It made all the difference in my life...and in my husband's life.  He actually has a relationship with the Savior, but he doesn't always listen.  He doesn't want to hear what he doesn't want to hear.  Still, it's a start.

Service.  When we serve and bless others we feel our Savior's love for us and for them because we are emulating Him. 

Catherine Thomas said " It's a powerful act of faith to give something to someone else when we feel empty.  Truly, giving when we are longing to have someone give to us seems to defy reason.  But in spiritual  terms it makes perfect sense.  Giving out of what one feels are meager resources is like reaching into Elijah's nearly empty cornmeal barrel during a famine and coming up with a full cup every time.  Giving to others the things we are most longing for ourselves follows the principles of godliness and results in an unexpected sense of fulness."

Why are we reluctant to give and bless those who hurt us?  Are we afraid of what that would say about us?  Are we afraid of what they might think we are saying about them?  Perhaps if someone is choosing unrighteousness we fear that if we love them we are condoning their unrighteous behavior. Or at least they will take it as such.   But we can give and serve and bless without condoning the unrighteous acts.  Everyday I would tell my husband something good about himself.  He had a hard time believing I was sincere since he knew what he was doing and I certainly had to look deep but I did look past the humaness into his soul.  I told Him what I felt that Father saw there and what I hoped he might believe of himself someday so that he might be healed.  I figured if he felt so bad about himself that he would do something so distructive to his life someone had to help him see in himself what he could not.  But I never condoned his behavior.  

None of this was possible without His love.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:35-39