And now what????

We lived from day to day in relative peace.   I felt like I was living with a friend more than a spouse.  But that wasn't so bad after the heartache of the past 3 years.

For Christmas I was completely caught off guard when he gave me the picture "Oh, Jerusalem" by Greg Olson.  It was huge and was a print on canvas.  I really didn't know what to think.  He made not attempt to come back in to the church.  I was perplexed but I kept practicing all I had learned about love and patience, forgiveness and walking hand in had with my Savior.  There was never any mention of forgiveness.  Never any talk about what we had been through.  No indication that he was sorry and loved me.  Yet the gift seemed to speak.  I had learned not to read any message into anything he did because I was usually wrong. 

I was now an ordinance worker, teaching Institute and Relief Society so I was continuing to study and learn.  As with most spiritual experiences the wonder was fading a bit.  I tried to hold on tight to  the amazing feelings I had experienced during those incredible days.  I missed the intensity of it all.  I was drained.  I wanted him to love me and the gospel.  But, then, that is what I had always wanted.  Our relationship was completely new and different.  We never faught.  We allowed each other freedom to be who we were.  We stopped requiring each other to fill our cups.  We learned to help each other but to find happiness from within.  

I ponder on those days often.  On all I learned and all that was yet to transpire between us that has brought us to where we are today.  

I think back to when I first learned that he "loved" someone else.  How my world as I knew it crumbled.  I recall wondering how this could happen when I was trying to live the gospel.  Why weren't we blessed.  Little did I understand the blessings this trial would bring.  I remember thinking that life was not what I had thought it was supposed to be.  You live a good life you get blessed.  Something bad happens you try harder.  I put the burden on myself.  I needed to be perfect to be blessed.  But perfect people wouldn't need a Savior.  We are hear to learn through our own experiences.  That means transgressions will happen, hearts will break, we (I) will be weak at times, but we can repent and be new again because our Savior and our Father love us and provided the way.  Thus the first lesson learned from my list "Adversity is not a punishment, it is an opportunity for growth."

What My Pain Taught Me...

In September another miracle. He was able to transfer back home. Our son was in Japan and our daughter was leaving on her mission September 20th. Interesting that it had been 3 years to the day that our ordeal began.

I had been going to my therapist for nearly 3 years at this point but the insurance was cutting me off. I did not want to stop seeing him but had no choice. When I left he asked me to write down what my pain had taught me. Here is the list I made.
1. Adversity is not a punishment. It is an opportunity for growth.
2. The Savior actually felt my pain in the Garden and on the cross and He alone can understand the magnitude of it.  Thus He alone can truly comfort me.

3.  It is possible to be physically comforted by the Lord though He is not physically present.  Therefore, we are never alone unless we fail to solicit His comfort.  He is always near offering it but we must seek it.  His love is not forced on us.

4.  Because Our Father in Heaven and Our Savior Jesus Christ are the only ones who absolutely know us we cannot allow ourselves to get our identity from the actions of others toward us.  We must define ourselves through careful self-examination and prayer.  Input from others may act as a source for self examination but only God and I can define for me who I am.

5.  Some miracles take time.  Sometimes the miracle is the personal growth toward our Savior that comes from seeking, stretching, pleading for the Lord's help (and trusting Him) when you want something bad enough to work for the desired solution.

6.  When there is nothing you can do about a situation, put all your faith in the fact that Father loves you and knows the beginning to the end.  This is what is meant by handing your burden to Him.  Increase your obedience and service, your love and devotion to Him and be at peace knowing he is going to bless you in ways that are best and in keeping with His plan for you.  It is a law He must obey.

7.  We do not have the power to change other people.  Loving others just the way they are is Christ-like love.  That is the power that can change people.

8.  The Holy Ghost teaches us as we search for answers which come as pure knowledge flowing into our hearts and minds after much prayer and seeking, fasting and meditation to show the sincerity of our desire to learn and to obey.  When these insights come it is as if we have always known them because, in fact, we always have...we have just forgotten.  The greatest learning seems to come in the temple.

9.  I have power in my life.  No one can take it from me unless I surrender it.  Though I sometimes feel powerless I have power over my attitudes and reaction to the actions of others towards me.

10.  It doesn't matter what messages (intentional or unintentional) my parents may have given me in the way they raised me.  I can love them, forgive them and decide for myself the kind of person I am and will be.

11.  Forgiving myself allows me to be able to forgive others.

12.  Since Christ loves each of His children and since He takes the sins of everyone on himself upon condition that they turn to Him, I cannot judge another (only He knows their heart) including my husband and, yes, even his girlfriend.  My only form of reimbursement to Him is my love for and service to my fellowman.  Heavenly Father loves those who hurt and cross me just as much as He loves me.  

13.  The trial of our faith is that we do not give up on Him when it seems we have been deserted but that we realize He is there and He is aware of and working to help remedy our situation.

14.  Enduring doesn't mean waiting for a trial to end.  It means achieving a "mighty change of heart" from the trial. Neal Maxwell says it is the passage of our soul all the way from A to Z.

15.  The suffering we face in this life is minuscule in comparison to the eons of our existence, yet the Christ-like qualities we learn will last forever often making the experiences we dread the most the most valuable and meaningful.

16.  To be humble is to be teachable which means I can learn something from everyone. It is not necessary nor advantageous to always be right.  Understanding this allows me to turn negative experiences and relationships in to positive outcomes.

17.  The most difficult lessons we learn seem to be within our family.  Thar is why we have families.  Otherwise we would withdraw ourselves  from the people our pain is associated with (some do this anyway through divorce). We are all actually brothers and sisters who lived together in a previous life and promised to help each other through this earth life.  Someone who hurts us by their words and actions is actually providing us with an opportunity to learn something of eternal value such as unconditional love, patience or forgiveness.  Imagine how we will feel when we meet again in the next life and the reality of who our parents, spouse, children and friends really are becomes clear if we give up on helping and learning from them in this life.

18.  I am a child of God.  He is my Father, my Abba, my papa, my daddy.  I love Him.  He knows me.  He loves me.  The Savior offered to pay for my sins and carry my burdens because He loves me.  I cannot be perfect in this life.  Perfection comes from a partnership with Christ.  What I can do is to enter into a covenant to turn my life to Him. To imitate His life by loving as He loves and forgiving as He forgives and to repent when I make choices that take me from that course.

19.  With God NOTHING is impossible.

His love

I have to correct myself. I said that I received an impression that marriage isn't so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. That is not exactly what I meant to say. President Hinckley once said that marriage isn't so much about romance as the anxious caring and concern for the well being of one's mate.
Surely we should want to help our spouse to find happiness. We want to bring joy into their life. But for us to expect our spouse to "make me happy" is not the purpose of marriage. Happiness has to come from within and when we love and serve our spouse we are happy. Even during those horrid, painful days I could find happiness by serving him and forgetting myself.
So marriage isn't really about whether or not he makes me happy, but how much I can help him home. Like I said before, I learned that if I want a marriage in which each of us gives equally and I keep track of that it will end up being more like 25-15 or some other equally destructive ratio. But if I can give 150% even when he won't there's a chance, with my Savior as my advocate, he will start to give more.
finding happiness from within is the hardest lesson of life. It is found in our Savior's love.
Imagine that as you are sitting here right now our Savior enters the room and walks directly to you. He puts His hand on your shoulder and you look up into His warm, kind, patient, compassionate, loving eyes. “I love you” He says. You reply “Me? How can you love me?” As you start a steady flow of all the reasons why you don’t deserve His love, He puts His hand to your mouth to stop you “I love you.” He emphatically replies.
Imagine Him taking you into his arms and saying “Walk with me. Feel my love and strength. Let me be your teacher. Let me be your guide. Let me love you.” Can you feel the strength and joy and peace that would bring?
He does love you. He knows you personally. He is always available to you. Trust that. Trust Him. Love Him. Let Him love you.
I know my Savior lives. I know it! I love him and thank him for his unwavering love and incredible patience with me as I try to trust that he could really love me. I thank him for the power His love gives me when I feel powerless. I know that with Him nothing is impossible! I thank him for actually experiencing my pains, my sorrows, all the experiences of my life and most of all for taking my sins on him in His Gethsemane so that I can be redeemed and be comforted and strengthened by His incomparable love in mine. I love Him for always running to me even when I fail to notice. He is always there.

Limbo

I had been praying to know my Father's will for me and for him. Did He want me to patiently love him forever? I would do so. Did He want me to realize there was no hope for us to be together for all eternity and leave him and get on with my life? I would. I just wanted to KNOW. Even if there is no hope for us eternally is there much I could learn by loving him unconditionally and never giving up? Perhaps I could help him along the way. It was just so frustrating to be stuck in an unproductive pattern.
I blamed myself for his lack of interest in the church.
At one of our stake conferences Elder John E. Fowler spoke about choosing a stake president. He had asked those involved "who is the most spiritual sister in the stake?" It was her husband who was then chosen as the Stake President. He said that spiritually strong women have spiritually strong husbands. I was distraught thinking "where does that put me?" I began to wonder whether Father would want me to leave my husband to find a righteous Priesthood holder to spend my life with. I was pondering all this in the temple one day when I received an amazing impression as to what marriage is really all about. It's not so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. It's about helping him to be the best he can be and helping him home to our Father. For years I had been knit picky because I felt unloved. I tried to influence by "force feeding the veggies" because they were good for him instead of influencing by quiet, loving example. Why would he be interested in the Gospel when I made it a matter of "have to" rather than a matter of choice. But I didn't know any different.  I did the same with my children.  I feared for them if they did not conform to Father's will.  As I came to know my Savior more and more I realized that what He taught us was to love and serve in order to influence. Force, control, coercion never works. Agency is Father's greatest gift to us. When we just love someone while setting a righteous example...then we have influence. But it has to be sincere. It can't be done with the idea of changing the other person. In order to pull that off one needs to know our Savior. Said President Hunter:
“The world is full of people who are willing to tell us, “Do as I say.” Surely we have no lack of advice givers on about every subject. But we have so few who are prepared to say, “Do as I do.” And, of course, only One in human history could rightfully and properly make that declaration. History provides many examples of good men and women, but even the best of mortals are flawed in some way or another. None could serve as a perfect model nor as an infallible pattern to follow, however well-intentioned they might be.
Only Christ can be our ideal, our “bright and morning star” (Rev. 22:16). Only he can say without any reservation, “Follow me; learn of me; do the things you have seen me do. Drink of my water and eat of my bread. I am the way, the truth, and the life. I am the law and the light. Look unto me and ye shall live. Love one another as I have loved you”
My, what a clear and resonant call! What certainty and example in a day of uncertainty and absence of example.
The great standard! The only sure way! The light and the life of the world!
We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him. Then we will drink water springing up unto eternal life and will eat the bread of life”.
When we know Him we then want to emulate Him for true worship is emulation. When we emulate Him we influence others.
When he left for FA training I panicked. What if this was Father's answer? Maybe this was the end.
I had a longing, a hope, a dream. He would receive a sure testimony that God lives and loves him. That Jesus Christ, our Savior and redeemer, took our burdens upon Him because He loves us. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and that he would be baptized and then dedicate his life in quiet, loving service. That he would love me and treat me like his most prized possession. All I could do is to do my best to be deserving of such a blessing yet understand that he has his agency regardless of my worthiness. Maybe one day it would happen...maybe not.
Oh how I wanted him to know how amazing it is to feel our Heavenly Father's and our Savior's love. I wished he could understand how much he is loved by Them. That would change everything.

A change...

So he was gone. I didn't know what to do or think or how to act. To my surprise and relief he called me quite often. He actually seemed to miss me. During his 5 week training I flew to Atlanta to visit him. When I got to my departure gate she was working the counter. What could I do? I really didn't want to have to go talk to her face to face. I kind of wandered up and down the hallway hoping she would go down the jet way or something. Somehow I managed to check in without dealing with her. Remember that at this point I had lost 75 pounds. I am pretty sure she didn't like that one bit. I got in line and got on the the plane without having to talk to her. When I got to Atlanta he told me that she had called him. She left him a message that she had seen me "parading up and down the hallways looking all cute and darling." That made me smile. He told me that she said she had considered walking up to me and handing me his pager number so I would know she had it but had decided not to.
"Why does she have your pager number?" I asked. He told me he had seen her in the parking lot and she asked him for it so he gave it to her. I wasn't comforted by this news.
I don't think I ever saw her again. But I did find emails that they were sharing. Mostly him telling her not to contact him via his home email address. So they were still in communication.
I often felt conspicuous when I was at the airport. I knew everyone there knew about their affair. I felt like they all looked at me as the bad person who had ruined their relationship. It always felt awkward.
I noticed that when he and I were together at the airport that he kept his distance from me.
When he graduated from his training the family was invited to the ceremony. Our daughter and I went. Again, awkward. However, the woman in charge of his class told me "he really missed you." I wondered if she really knew that or if she just said it to everyone.
He left for NY. He was always on call so had to stay there except on his days off when he would fly home. I visited him several times in NY and stayed in the "flight attendant" apartment he lived in with 15 other flight attendants...male and female. AWKWARD!!!
But he did seem to actually care about me. Could I trust him? Could I trust he was really over her? Could I trust it wouldn't happen again? After all, he flew with many women and stayed at hotels with rooms right next to each other. It was a very difficult time.
Our son left for Japan for 6 months to do an internship and our daughter put in her mission papers. We began to have a number of miracles in our lives. Mostly small things but miracles none the less. One happened on a Sunday morning. Our daughter had not yet received her mission call and our stake president told her she could not go to the temple until she received her call. I was saddened by that because it would mean she would not be able to go to the temple before her brother left for Japan. With her dad not able to go to the temple I really wanted our son to be there. I resigned myself to the fact that it would just be my daughter and me. On this particular Sunday morning her branch President woke up early with the thought in his mind "[she] needs to go to the temple before her brother leaves for Japan." He called her in, conducted the recommend interview and sent her to the Stake President. The Stake President said "no, you can't go until your mission call comes." She told him that her branch President felt otherwise. The Stake President sent her home and said he would call the branch President and explain to him. This was all very time sensitive as the Stake President was leaving town that evening and wouldn't be back until after our son left for Japan. I spent the day in prayer.
A few hours later the Stake President called her and asked her to come back to his office. There he told her that, after conferring with the branch president, he had determined that this was indeed inspiration and he would give her the recommend.
I knew our Father was aware of our situation, that He love her and each of us and had given this inspiration to her Branch President.
That week, just before our son left, we were able to go to the temple with my daughter. It was heartbreaking not to have her dad there. The first of many such experiences that we would not be able to share with him.
But I lived in hope.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"Great is thy faithfulness, o God, my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with thee;
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.
As thou has been thou forever wilt be.
Pardon for sin and a peace that's enduring.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me."

Where do we go from here?

"True learning---life-changing learning---cannot be obtained without an immersion in the font of personal experience. I am not just talking about a kind of common sense that inevitably comes with personal experience or the education acquired in the 'school of hard knocks,' but a deeply spiritual linking of experience and intelligence, 'or, in other words, light and truth' (D&C 93:36), that causes a person to see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and feel with a new heart." Brent Top, When You Can't Do it Alone p2.
It was all new. I was new. But we seemed to be two friends sharing a house. He didn't talk about his experiences, feelings, desires, goals. But it wasn't bad either. Still, so much was missing. I was really stumped as to why he had never apologized for how he had broken my heart and my trust. All I could guess was that he was not over her.
I am certain there are those of you reading this who find it interesting but do not for a moment think this could ever happen to you. You may be thinking that this all happened because I made a choice in the first place to marry out of the temple. I have friends whose husbands have had affairs. Some are still married, others are now divorced. They had temple marriages. Their husbands served in bishoprics and as Elder's Quorum presidents. I warn you that it can happen to anyone! Satan does not want us to be successful at that which he will never have. Therefore, he gives high priority to the destruction of the family. Give him the tiniest opening and he will try to get in. I am not trying to scare you or predict that this will happen in your family, but I am warning that none of us can afford to be comfortable in these last days. We must be constantly vigilant if we are to weather the storms of life. Just as we must have food and fuel for a possible catastrophe, we must have spiritual reserves for the days of adversity that will be part of all of our lives.
I read an article in the Ensign years ago that I have never forgotten. The author suggested 4 things we must do daily to keep evil at bay.
1) study scripture. The key word is study...ponder, pray search.
2) prayer. Not just saying a prayer but talking to our Father.
3) Serve others. Remember "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity" (Neal Maxwell).
4) Each day work on overcoming something you are struggling with. I call this repentance.
Doing all of this will not guarantee that adversity will not come into your life, but it will keep us from sin and help us be strong when adversity comes from the actions of others. We will be in tune to receive guidance, healing and strength from on high. We will not turn from our faith.
The next year is a blur. Day in and day out we existed together. Then, about a year after his ex-communication, he announced that he, along with a lot of others he worked with, had decided to leave their jobs at the airport and become flight attendants. We did not have a discussion about this, he just did it. Two weeks later he was on his way to Atlanta for 6 weeks of training. From there he would be based in New York indefinitely. I asked if she was going too. She had applied to be a flight attendant but had not made the cut. At least there was that. The day he left I sobbed the entire day. I would not see him for 6 weeks.
I continued to read and search for strength and answers. I continued to receive healing and love from on high.
How grateful I am for my Savior.

I will bear you up.

The Divine Center by Stephen R. Covey was particularly helpful in teaching me how to find the strength, through our Savior's love, to love and treat with patience and kindness those who were causing such hurt to myself and my family, particularly my husband. Covey said "When we love God and Christ first, we will love our spouse more, not less---with more true love, more wisdom, and more charity. Divine-centeredness is literally the key to a celestial relationship. If we are true and faithful to the covenants we make with the Lord, we will have the security, guidance, wisdom, and power to deal with problems in the marriage."
Further he taught, "True love is found in the affirmation of another person's identity and stewardship, in seeking his or her growth and good, not in interpreting all the other person's responses in terms of one's own needs, hungers, or desires...The key is to see others, particularly so called enemies, as they truly are---children of our Heavenly Father, for whose sins the Savior also atoned as he did for ours."
As I attempted to see my husband in this light I felt increased courage, strength, love and peace. I was not embittered by feelings of anger, despair, frustration, fear and hurt. It felt....good. Of course, not being even close to perfect, there were good days and not so good ones. Days I could see and love him as our Savior did and days, more like moments perhaps, that I found that more difficult. Once he had made the decision to end his relationship with her, I hoped he would love me. He didn't as of yet. At least he didn't recognize that he might love me. Even though he wasn't seeing her, I knew he missed her---or at least the idea of her.
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

What would Father have me do?

He received a letter explaining just what his excommunication meant. It really didn't change anything as far as his current participation since he had distanced himself from the church some time before this and had no intention of returning to church activity. Still, it was devastating for me to read.
Several months after his excommunication our Stake President told me to stop by his work so he could talk to me. He said he had some ideas to run past me.
He told me that I deserved to be loved with a deep, intimate, eternal love. he suggested that I consider asking my husband to leave our home. He felt that this would make him hit rock bottom, realize what he was missing and want to come back. When he told me he wanted to come back I was to tell him to call the stake president and he would tell him what he would need to do to get his family back including starting on the path to membership in the church.
I left this meeting with a deeply troubled heart. Was I so lacking in faith that I couldn't trust that this would lead him back to where I desired and he needed to be? I struggled for days wanting to obey my priesthood leader but not feeling this was right. I tried to pray about it but continued to feel very troubled and dark. I talked this over with my therapist. I told him of my struggle to even pray about this because it just depressed me to think about it. H suggested I turn it around. Since I couldn't pray if the decision to have him leave was right perhaps I should pray if having him stay was right.
One day I was walking into the temple pondering this and desiring to know God's will, when in my minds eye the following scene played out. I saw the pre-existance with a group of people full of joy in anticipation of our journey to Earth. As we anxiously awaited our turn for Earth life Heavenly Father entered the picture. We were excited to be in His presence as we gathered around Him. He greeted us all with love in His voice and on His face. Then he got very serious. he told us that He needed a volunteer to go to Earth very soon. We all looked at each other and wondered who would be the lucky one. We loved each other and our excitement was coupled with feelings of sadness at our temporary separation. We understood, however, that the Earth experience would be but a moment in our Heavenly time line. Father continued. He explained that the experience of the person who accepts this calling would be a difficult one, more so that for the rest of us in this gathering. This person would not have the advantage of being raised in a home with the gospel. This person's parents would have struggles which would make it difficult for them to nurture this person as a child. We began to look around at each others' faces, people we loved and had been with for eons. We realized it will only be for a moment, yet would we learn all we needed to and make it safely home, back to each other and this place we loved, under such difficult circumstances? It grew quiet as we each pondered the information Heavenly Father was giving us. Before any of us could speak one stood up and walked over to Father. He was almost nonchalant. He took Father by the hand. "I'll go," he said, no fear in his voice, just grateful for the opportunity to experience Earth life so he could become like Father. We gathered around him, full of love and admiration, to offer our congratulations on his imminent departure. I stood forward and said "don't worry, I will find you and I will help you back." The others surrounding him responded with "we will, too." He smiled and said "I know you will." Heavenly Father hugged him and asked us all "What if the way gets very painful and very difficult?" We answered "We will never give up. Not ever!"
At this moment as I entered the temple I knew I had my answer. I must not give up! It was much later that I realized the others surrounding my husband as he prepared to leave our heavenly home were our children and extended family and friends. I knew it would take a united effort to help him home. But not just him. We are to help each other as well.
It was after this that I went to Father in prayer asking whether it was His will that I stay in this marriage and not ask my husband to leave. I felt immediate peace. I had my answer.
3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.
Still, the road was too be very difficult.
I read the following by Stephen R. Covey:
"In a class of 6 year olds...one of them asked 'What's a yoke?" The teacher immediately began composing in her mind the answer about animals being yoked together to pull a wagon, and about a frame for the shoulders that would help a person carry milk cans or some other burden. But before she could respond to the question, a little girl spoke up in a soft voice. "Jesus' yoke is when he puts his arms around your neck," she said. And so it is, for his yoke truly bring 'rest unto your souls." If even one of the partners in an unequally yoked marriage is truly centered on Christ and yoked up to him primarily, then that person's entire perception of the situation will change. He or she will have the security, guidance, wisdom and power to do whatever is necessary in the Lord's way and in the Lord's time for as long as necessary in an effort to bless the other and help and inspire him to become equally yoked to Christ.
"In the process, the person yoked to Christ will perceive the other's weaknesses with compassion rather than with accusation. He will give grace in the form of kindness, patience, understanding, and unconditional love. Such attitudes and behavior will not guarantee that the other will ultimately respond in kind, but they will maximize that likelihood." The Divine Center.
I could not go on one minute without my Savior's arms around me. Gratefully, He was always near!

It is over.

He said the relationship was over. But could I really trust that? He didn't end it because he loved me. Still he didn't leave me either. It was very confusing. I could only guess at what he was thinking. The last thing he wanted me to think is that I had won him back and so he just avoided the subject. And so it went from day to day, month to month. It nearly drove me mad!
It had been a year and a half since his affair began when a knock came to the door. Our Stake President handed him a letter explaining that a church court would be convened the following day. It said he could attend if he wanted to. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should go with him. He prepared a statement to read explaining why he did what he did. It didn't really contain remorse. Not that he didn't feel some kind of remorse, but it was more about trying to make 15 really strong, religious men understand where a guy like him was coming from. Here is what it said:
"Are you familiar with the word dissociated? Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that it is an emotional state that can be demonstrated by doing something that you do not personally believe in. Perhaps an example would be a real estate agent selling a home that he doesn't believe to be in particularly good shape and it is also at an inflated price but the salesman pushes it because it is his broker's directive to get this and all other homes moving. A more direct example is when I pretended to love people because the Savior did and it was a commandment and all. But you can't force love. You can't make your emotions be obedient by force. All you can do is pretend to be enthusiastic and maybe you will be enthusiastic eventually. It didn't work for me and I don't think it works for many people. All you get is people faking it.
"Kindness I can do. Listening I can do. Lending a physical hand to someone who needs some help materially I can do. I can't fake the feeling of love. I couldn't even love my family. I let my wife do everything in that department. I got tired of not being me when even my wife got tired of making me feel good, happy, entertained. I found someone else who would. Sex was a part of it. Not a big part but part of the attraction.
"I don't know if I can express myself unless I give you a little background. I know that if I talk in sociological terms most of you will get it but I have spent many years listening to people in church talk and [then] converting over into a form that I can understand. If I hear [our Stake President] or Marvin Ashton say, 'the restored Gospel here on Earth has brought joy and enrichment to the lives of millions of people worldwide,' I might express that by saying 'form adds meaning to life,' to myself. I personally like hearing 'the restored Gospel here on Earth...' version but part of my personal mission is my need to make sense of the world around me and this is how I do it.
"Several years ago, when I was only 17-18-19, I started to think about talents I had and talents that I thought would be useful to me and I figuratively started collecting attitudes, traits and ideas that were going to be useful. The ones I had that I couldn't use right now I put into a bag that I carried behind me. I got married and had two kinds and one of the traits I kept was my devotion to be an objective and dispassionate social scientist even though that wasn't my job for employment. I decided that the Church had all the elements I needed to help me through the ordeal of raising kids and marriage in general. Unfortunately for my wife I did not express feelings and thoughts at all. I kept them to myself for a variety of reasons. My wife didn't feel very nourished by this but threw herself into the task of raising the children wholeheartedly, receiving her social nourishment from Relief Society, children, friends. At the end of twenty years marriage, we had a boy on a mission and a daughter who wasn't interested in interacting with her mother on the same old terms. My wife became depressed and stopped struggling with me for a form of attention, a form of love. I missed the struggle, but to me this was a signal that I could at last start to be my own person and not be saddled with all of the old roles I had been forced to assume for the last 20 years. The tireless provider, the good father,the aloof but cheerful neighbor. At the same time, I turned 42 and it is an absolutely normal part of the male psyche to re-evaluate life at that time. There is only 10-15 years of work life left and sometimes, that bag that you have carried behind you for 20 years has things in it that want to come out. After being in the bag for 20 years, some of those things are not happy at being there for so long, festering in the darkness. Perhaps, these traits and qualities should not be brought out but once you do, you can either run away, wall them up or resolve them. since they were part of my soul, my newly discovered sense of soul, there was no way I was going to put them back in the bag.
"About that time I found someone else who was also going through some of the same re-evaluation. The relationship was rich, loving and full of fantasy. The most important part to me was not the physical, it was the relationship. The fantasy also had an unconscious agreement that I would have to give up my church membership. It didn't fit. She had a social definition of the Church that was somehow painful to her and she didn't want to have any part of it. My understanding level didn't differentiate between church and faith, so I gave up my faith in Jesus along with my activity in the church. I gave up my family and my wife's family in thought and deed. I gave up my interest in home and friends. I felt condemned by my own infidelity with no route home. Eventually I gave up my career momentum and took a lesser position where I could function on a lower level. The richness of the fantasy has also been accompanied by considerable psychic and emotional discomfort and in some ways it resembled an addiction.
"Through some outside coaching I have been able to visualize a loving God who will not let me into the Kingdom because I have not lived up to my covenant and at the same time, a loving, merciful Jesus who has taken on my sins and has said He will stand for me with Jehovah. I feel closer to Jesus at this time than I have ever been. I don't use the Holy Ghost or depend on it consciously, but I have a faith in God, Jesus Christ and the truthfulness of the interaction that occurred between Joseph Smith and the divine personage, Jesus. The church is true in all of its aspects, I just don't find it necessary for me to take part anymore than I want to or personally find value in. Wherever that leaves me, in your eyes, that's where I am."
He did not read the statement. What happened in that court upset him to a point of feeling utterly betrayed by what he considered private, confidential information he had shared with our Stake President being revealed and shared with all in attendance. He could not speak. While they deliberated his fate in the Church he sat in the hall pleading with God that he not be excommunicated. He sat and prayed for the 1/2 hour it took. Finally they called him back into the room and announced that the decision was that he was to lose his membership in the Church. Then they had him walk around the table so that each member of the Stake Presidency and High Council could express their love to him. He did not feel loved.
I sat at home feeling sick to my stomach. When he told me the decision I was deeply saddened but believed it to be Father's will, for these were all men I loved, trusted and revered.
I think he thought that stopping the behavior was enough. He did not understand a broken heart and contrite spirit. He did not understand a new start. Still, I had hope that he would continue to heal and would understand one day and return.
Happiness has to come from within. It has to come from a knowledge of, and reliance on our Savior's love. I know He loves me. I know He loves my husband.
My Stake President called me into his office. He asked me to trust him that if he ever felt inspired to tell me I should leave my husband that I would be able to do so. I was deeply troubled!
1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
I loved my husband. I loved my God.

It gave me courage...

As I mentioned, I was reading anything I could get my hands on that might give me hope for our marriage. I came across this from Carlfred Broderick. I, again, received a confirmation that I was doing what Father would have me do. Hard, painful, difficult, but what He wanted for me and for "him"...and for our family. It may not be the path for everyone but it was my path.  Here's what I read:
"The term "savior on Mount Zion" is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. Truly, Saints who selflessly devote themselves to genealogical and temple work deserve the title. They perform Christlike service in lovingly opening the gates of exaltation to others who without their work would not have that opportunity.
But I believe that the term might also be applied to another group of the Saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own household.
I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling two women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn't "take," and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all of the minor vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father's life-style rather than their mother's. I watched this good sister struggle with her rebellious family over the years, and I am ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also, I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children. In short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices (as I had, for example) her life would have turned out better (as mine had, for example).
It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward that sister. The Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was the relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. She had (perhaps rashly) volunteered to live her life in the front lines, as it were, of the continuing battle for men's souls. Twice, the Lord continued, she had been given the option of an honorable release from this difficult assignment. (After the blessing she confirmed this.) Twice she had been on the operating table at death's door and was given the free option of coming home or going back to face her challenging responsibilities. Twice she had squared her shoulders and returned to her difficult family. In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband and her children despite their rebellious spirits and that if they were to have any chance at all it would be because of her Christlike patience and long-suffering with them.
When I took my hands off her head I bowed my head in shame, realizing that I stood in the presence of one of the Lord's great ones, truly a savior on Mount Zion.
True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone's surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was helped by his elder brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for a temple marriage. Her daughters are slower to turn around, but I begin to see some softening there. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order (no action yet, but I am prepared to believe in miracles in this family).
The other case involved a man who came from a stable Latter-day Saint family background and a wife who was a convert. Together they were rearing a quartet of healthy young boys. Their problem was the wife's recurrent bouts with anxiety and depression. We got into her background and discovered that she had been raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a neurotically sick mother who stayed in bed all the time and let her little girl do all of the cooking and cleaning. She confessed that she was still full of rage at her parents for so badly abusing her and full of envy for others who had experienced a normal, loving family relationship. She said that on several occasions when she had seen little girls being hugged and kissed by their loving fathers in Church she had to get up and leave. "The Lord knew what he was doing," she confessed, "when he sent me only boys to raise. Girls would have been too hard."
Then she turned to me and said, "Where is the justice? How can God pretend to be just and send some little girls into homes where they are loved and petted and made to feel like somebody and others into homes where they are beat and molested and abused and neglected? What did I do in the pre-earth life to deserve such a family?"
I felt inspired at that time to tell her that she had volunteered in the preexistence to be a savior on Mount Zion, to come to a family drowning in sickness and sin and to be the means of purifying that lineage. Before her in that line were generations of ugly, destructive, family relationships. Downstream from her purifying influence every generation would be blessed with light and love. The role of a savior, I said, is to suffer innocently for the sins of others that still others may not suffer. There can be no higher calling.
She knew by the Spirit that what I suggested was true. That perspective gave her the strength to get on with her life. The last time I heard from her she had also exercised her prerogative to purify her line backward through temple work and was working hard on bringing her parents to see the light.
I suspect that many of us, more than most would ever guess, have made such premortal choices and accepted such divinely demanding missions. More than once I have felt impressed to tell a righteous, long-suffering person that although his or her mate had provided legitimate grounds for divorce and a later cancellation of sealing, that it would please the Lord if the person would refuse to abandon the assignment to help shepherd that straying soul back to the fold. Occasionally someone says to me, "But don't I have any right to happiness?" The answer, of course, is that for those of us in the service of the Lord, the happiness comes from the service and from the close relationship to our Master that goes with it. If one is looking for a happy, settled, unchallenging life, one probably ought to choose a different master.
I am not suggesting that there are never grounds for separation or divorce. I am suggesting that only the Lord can righteously release us from a responsibility we received from him. "
One Flesh, One Heart: Putting Celestial Love into Your Temple Marriage
by Carlfred Broderick
I didn't feel like "one of the great ones" but I was encouraged.

The beginning of the end...

So many times I had hoped he would love me. I hoped he would see that what he was doing was not really him. It was like he was a complete stranger. He had always struggled with relationships and showing love, but he was also always a very nice person. People loved him. This person who was lying, cheating, betraying was not him. I would look at him in wonder. How could he not see that this was not him. She meant breath to him. Freedom, acceptance, self assurance. She didn't complain about his actions or deficiencies. she didn't live with him. Didn't do bills and budgets, home and car repairs with him. With her it was always new and interesting. it was fun and games. But then she started to get needy. On my birthday he spent the day with her. She helped him pick out a gift for me. I still have it, but it's a constant reminder that he was with her on my birthday. I am afraid to get rid of it for some reason. She knew we were going out that night and she felt threatened. she asked that he call her later that night and he was supposed to go cross country skiing with her the next day. He didn't call and he didn't show up. She went nuts. She told him to never call her again. But it was just her way of manipulating him. She never understood that it wasn't even her that he loved. He needed her to feel alive but it could have been anyone. She just happened to be there and they were friends. When he took her seriously and didn't call her again she came back after him. But before she did it was two weeks without her. Still, I knew he missed her. I actually hurt for him. I knew how much my broken heart ached. I assumed his pain was no less. But he was torn. Torn between needing her and the pain of being without her and his constant betrayal of our covenants and his covenants with God. I can't imagine his anguish. Still, during those couple of weeks we got along great. We could laugh and talk and enjoy being together. He needed her but he needed her to be his friend not his lover. She needed all of him. I began to hope he could get over her.
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him.  As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience.  For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes.  It filled me with compassion.  Our Savior loves all of Father's children.  He sees the real them...the real me.  Beneath all the human weakness.  And He loves us.  Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!

Will he, won't he?

I really wasn't sure where their relationship stood. It's not like he would give me updates, but he did tell me about the skunk and his determination to end the relationship starting with her leave of absence. She was getting too needy. It was driving him away. I was getting free. I was feeling my burden lifted. After a year of heartache, darkness and fear I was beginning to feel some joy. I would contemplate in awe and wonder at how it could be so. Father's promises are sure. I felt that the miracle I had been seeking was not the miracle I received. But I got a miracle nonetheless. It was the miracle of coming to know my Savior and Father, of being taught from on high, of becoming free of needing another human being to make me happy. It was learning to find happiness from within. It was knowing that my Father and Savior would never desert me or leave me comfortless if I would come unto Them. It was learning that I could trust Them and that with Them NOTHING was impossible.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.

Choosing my own way

He became disenchanted with his therapist and decided to make a change. There was a big change coming at work and she was going to take a leave of absence. I don't know why I thought it would make any difference but I had high hopes since they wouldn't be together at work at least.
We went to my therapist together a few times. It was really painful because I was learning not to let his actions control me and my choices so whatever he would say about me I was supposed to be able to resolve it rather than to let it hurt me or make me crazy. But healing is a process and even though I was making progress I would have preferred to have our therapist tell him what a dope he was and how great I was. I used to imagine that one day he would see how wrong he had been and how lucky he was to have me. But then I realized that when that happened (sometime in the next life) I would hopefully have progressed to a point that I didn't need to be vindicated. I would just be grateful that he had repented. I would have developed Christ-like love! There would be no satisfaction in him seeing how badly he had hurt me and in him feeling completely terrible about it. But I liked to imagine it would be otherwise. 
Our Therapist talked about not hitching my wagon to his bike and vice versa. You can see the problem with hitching your wagon to another s. If they ride their bike off in some strange direction you are going there with them. It's better to ride your own bike side by side or even better, one drafting off the other and taking turns in the lead. I always thought a husband and wife had to be at the same place on the path to Father. Not the way it is or needs to be. Does it really matter as long as you are on the path? I don't think so.
I learned that we do not know the heart of anyone else....even our spouse. We only know what they allow us to see and what we interpret from our experiences with them. We may be seeing them completely wrong. Only Father and our Savior know their heart. We can find out more about others by asking Father to help us see them as They do.
He decided that now was a good time to make a break. He had determined that he was dealing with a fantasy, an addiction, and it was becoming a bit frustrating for him. As I was becoming more free (by walking with my Father and Savior) she was becoming more needy. One day I went to the airport. She saw me walking with him and walked right up to us and said to him "can I see you a minute?" He went off with her and when he returned I asked him what she wanted. He started to snicker and said " she told me she didn't appreciate being treated like 'the other woman.:" Huh! I thought she WAS the other woman. Apparently she didn't think so.
I sent her a letter. I told her she was only a fantasy to him. I told her that even if they did end up together he would never be able to separate himself from the family he was part of...me and his children.
She called me. She told me he didn't want to be in the church and asked me if I wanted him under those conditions. She really didn't get it. He was my husband. The father of our children. I wanted him in my life forever and always.
She told me not to ever write to her again. Whatever.
Her leave of absence started. One day he was riding home, returning from a bike ride. He passed a dead skunk in the side of the road. He went home, got a shovel, went back and buried it. He made a sign that said "here lies the relationship of ______ and _______" complete with dates and he posted it there. I had high hopes. But remember....addictions are compelling!
Viktor Frankl said, in Man's Search for Meaning " Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms---to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
I was making great progress in choosing to love, to forgive, to seek solace rather than bitterness. It was only because of the strength I felt from the relationship I was developing with my Father and Savior. There was more joy in Their love then I had ever experienced in my life. It felt good. And I was hopeful. How many times would that hope been dashed? How many times and in how many ways would my heart be broken? But I could survive. I never stopped repeating in my mind, many times a day "with God nothing shall be impossible." Including saving this marriage?

I have loved thee with an everlasting love.

I read a book called "What Really Works With Men." It suggested that rather than thinking of him as a husband betraying you, you think of him as having a terminal disease. I pondered that and realized that in reality he was like someone with a terrible illness. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was really this man who was killing me, figuratively speaking of course. I decided to look past his humanness and see him as a very sad, lost spirit son of our Father. Each time I wanted to scream at him and tell him what a jerk he was I took a deep breath and turned it around 180 degrees. I never condoned his behavior but I did try to show love and compassion. That is a tall order when I so needed him to show me the same. But expecting him to do so before I could treat him with compassion was completely destructive to our relationship. I decided that in reality a marriage that is 50-50 probably works out to more like 25-25 since both partners are waiting for the other to treat them the way they feel they should be treated before reciprocating. I decided to give 150%. What I found was the more I loved and served him without requiring anything in return the kinder he was to me. At times I wanted to give up though.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.

"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”

I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.

Agony

The pain was agonizing. One day I was supposed to pick him up from work. I decided to park and go in (did I mention they worked at the airport?). I walked to where he usually worked and it was pretty much deserted so I headed back toward the C terminal. Just beyond the terminal I spotted them. It wasn't the first time I had seen them together.
This night they were walking arm in arm. I really didn't know what to do. What do you do? I just followed them. Eventually they headed up an escalator and he happened to turn around and he spotted me. I gave him a signal like "get down here right now!!!!" I didn't follow him up until I realized he wasn't coming back down as fast as I thought he should. I followed him up and though he denied it I saw him kiss her and off she went. I went up to him and put my arm through his like we were just fine. If she was watching I wanted her to be worried. He was not amused. I knew there were plenty of people who knew us who could easily see them together in the airport. As I said before, he did not care. Probably a year or two later a friend told me she had seen him with her there.
Each time I visited my therapist I felt more and more empowered. It's kind of like going to the temple and being filled with the incredible joy there and a desire to keep that spirit only to leave and within a very short time feel the world all around you again. You really have to work to keep those great, healing feelings. I was learning strategies to help me heal. One thing I was learning was to let myself feel joy even if it was for only minutes a day. When I was in the deepest depression I would try to fill myself with joy. I would smile and breathe deeply as though filling my soul with happiness. It felt so good, but it was very hard to sustain. The relationship was just so hard and relentlessly took its toll.
Every so often there were hopeful signs that he just might end it with her. But he always went back. He was reading a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" or something close to that. At least he was willing to acknowledge that they might not be "soul mates"....that the relationship might just be compelling.
My therapist called it a "vehicle of emancipation"...his attempt to become free. Free from the feeling that all relationships were a matter of control. We all need to break that cycle sometime in our lives of succumbing to the control of others to prove we love them. Its' draining. But we can't seem to separate love and control so we let our parents, spouse, the church control us until we just can't take it anymore and we find that vehicle to bring us the freedom we long for. There is a better way....
But I digress.
He was addicted. One day he very calmly told me that he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with her. His very life seemed to depend on it. she, he explained to me, was his only friend. funny...I thought a friend was someone who helped you be who you should be. I thought a friend brought out the best in you. He wasn't even who he really was when with her. This was not him!
I asked him where I fit into that scenario. After all, he had been a tiny bit receptive to our relationship as of late. It was very confusing, but gave me some hope every so often.
He told me that she was the person he had fun with, he skied and biked and hiked with. I was the person he came home to. I did his laundry, prepared his meals, did the dishes and the budget. .. I wanted to be the fun one.
One day he came home with a new sweatshirt. It smelled of a perfume I knew wasn't mine. It broke my heart yet again. I hated that sweatshirt and I hated Patagonia forever after that...and Coco Channel.
It was agonizing. One day as I was pondering (I did that a lot!!!) I thought about how much I did not like this woman! How much she was hurting me. Hurting my children. Hurting my husband. I guess Heavenly Father felt that there had been significant progress made in my spiritual growth and and that I was learning to trust Him so He taught me in that moment a startling thing. The spirit spoke to me and said "Heavenly Father loves her just as much as He loves you." Oh, WOW! It didn't hurt nearly as much as I would have thought it would because it was from Him and it taught me that if He could love her with all she was doing and all the pain her actions were causing our family then he surely could love me. Not that I was anybody, but it helped me understand.
My therapist suggested that I pray for Him to carry her burden. I was excited as I thought that perhaps my prayers could bring her healing. I was going to bless her life because I was a good person and was going to pray for her! I felt quite powerful until I realized one night that I was really asking Him to forgive her. It struck me then that I must learn to forgive her as well. That was painful. They were still very much involved yet I knew I must learn to forgive. But having been praying for her burden to be light had contributed to mine being lighter! There was hope that with Father's help I could pull this off.
I imagined Heavenly Father and my Savior with their arms around me. I allowed myself to feel the love they had for me though I felt completely unlovable. And I even allowed myself to feel the love They had for her.
I was feeling some healing and my husband noticed it. He was really torn between his need for her and his need for the peace he could see developing in me.
But there were some very tough days ahead. Yet I was learning in Whom I could and must trust.
"I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me! Many of those around me might indeed get better too, since we seldom see how much we are a key part of a negative relationship pattern. ...I used to think if I were worthy enough and worked hard enough and exercised enough anxiety (which is not the same thing as faith), I could change anything. But I learned that my power and my control were illusions. I learned that to survive emotionally I had to turn my life over to the care of that tender Heavenly Father who was really in charge.
"...God designed marriage as a refuge--two people tenderly caring for each other through life's experiences---but also as a tutorial in love. Each has something to teach the other, and the learning is usually not easy. If marriage is not seen as a tutorial in love, a preparation for living in eternity, Satan can rend the marriage by causing the partners to focus on what is unimportant and on the ever dangerous goal of self-fulfillment.
"And so marriage, perhaps more than any other relationship--because it is more intimate than any other---is our greatest spiritual challenge and has the greatest potential, along with parenthood, to make godly beings of us. We must leave off trying to perfect our spouse and study how best to apply the principles of love in ourselves.
"...The moment when a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. It is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain.
"...My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come; hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods."
M. Catherine Thomas (Spiritual Lightening pp. 62,63)

Could I, strengthened by His love, bless our marriage???? Would we survive this? And if we didn't, would I be able to exist without him?

oops.

 "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body , and in your spirit, which are God's"
" Our soul is what is a stake here...The purchase price for our fullness of joy---body and spirit eternally united===is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, its' my life," or worse yet "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I know thee by name

I remember a day that I was sitting in our kitchen. I was so tired. So overwhelmed. So, so sad. The feelings welled up in me until I felt that I would burst. How could one continue day in and day out to live with such pain? I thought "There is no way I could explain to anyone what this feels like. The pain, the anguish is beyond description." It was the first time I ever remember receiving such directed revelation. The Spirit said to me "Your Savior knows exactly what you are feeling." I knew it was revelation because I had NO idea that He could know what I felt. I had often contemplated the atoning sacrifice of our Savior but it always ended with me thinking that, while He suffered great physical agony, He certainly never experienced divorce, cancer, betrayal by a spouse, physical or sexual abuse or many other human experiences. This was new to me and I was in awe.

First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!

I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.

I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "

I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?

And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.

I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?

Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."

I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?

One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.

I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”

I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.

I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.

I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.

When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.

But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.

Sacred Message

Jacob 2: 31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.
34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.
35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.

With God All Things are Possible

I had read many books during these dark days. The Case Against Divorce, What Really Works with Men, How to Get Him Back From the Other Woman to name a few. They had some pretty good ideas and I tried many things to win him back. I put my heart out there for him to stomp on. Usually he did and I wanted to give up hope. But something kept me going.
By now I knew I couldn't change him but I realized that I could change myself. I was not going to blame myself for his choice to forsake his covenants, and betray me but I knew I could become a kinder, gentler, more patient and loving person. Over the years I had let his indifference develop a wall of sorts around my heart. Now, with my marriage in great jeopardy, I was determined that I would change and that he would notice.
The books helped. I tried a lot of different techniques to keep him around. Nothing seemed to work. I had to fight the urge to despair and give up. I just felt I had to be proactive.
One day I obtained a room at a quaint hotel. Prior to this I had gone to several stores and purchased items like flowers, a fruit tray, sparkling cider, lotion, candy etc. I left a note for him that said to follow the instructions contained in each envelope. Each would send him to a different store to pick up the items I had purchased. The last envelope had the key to the hotel room. I was already there with soft music playing and dozens of candles lit. I was absolutely terrified. What if he didn't show. Or what if he did but he was mad or cold. I waited. He came. We actually had a very special evening and were able to talk and just relax. But 3 days later it was apparent that he was with her still and I felt absurd. What had I been thinking? It would be much, much later that I would realize that every little thing I tried had a positive effect. It just wasn't always noticeable immediately. But for now I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally demolished.
The therapist I had been trying to get him an appointment with finally called.
He wouldn't go. He said he was fine with the therapist he was seeing. I was deflated. I had great hope that this other therapist would make the difference. Would make him see the correct path. Would tell him what an idiot he was being.
I was embarrassed that after calling and calling trying to get an appointment for him he wouldn't go so I decided that rather than waste the appointment I would go. I left that session with my head reeling. The things this man taught me gave me hope!
I told him of the affair and my husband wanting a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I did not want a divorce.
My husband had asked me why I loved him. I couldn't think of why. Is that odd? I had to question whether I just couldn't take the rejection or if I truly loved him. I had been hurt by him repeatedly over the years. Had I truly built up a wall?
When I told the therapist I didn't want my husband to leave me he replied "well, don't let him go." That completely boggled my mind. How could I possibly make him stay? How could I stop him? It sounded absurd. "What if he packs his bags ?" I asked. "Sit on his bag and don't let him go" he told me. What? How could I stop him. "What if he leaves anyway. He's stronger than I am!" "Camp out on his doorstep everyday." he said. What he was helping me see is that I had power in my life. NO ONE could take it from me. After feeling so powerless this was invigorating. I left feeling hope. He was a gestalt therapist. You know, you put someone (figuratively) in the chair and tell them 'You are my husband, and I am your wife. You have hurt me, betrayed me, stomped on my heart but I am not going to let your actions control me. I am going to love you. I choose to love you." I left empowered.
I know why people go to more than one therapy session. It didn't take long for my new sense of empowerment to wane. Being around my husband exhausted me. I would spend every moment that I had with him being nice and loving and patient and forgiving. Then he would leave and I would collapse, exhausted. I would cry. I would pray. And I started to search the scriptures looking for the love my Father had for me. Could He really love me?
It's a devastating thing when the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else on this earth doesn't. My self image was destroyed. But I had a new mantra. "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible." Luke 1:37
On the darkest days I would repeat that many times. It had to be true. What other hope was there?
People thought I was crazy. "why do you put up with him?" they would ask. "I would be gone!" they would say.
I would take long walks and ponder. One thing that continually went through my mind was a vision of the Savior and the love He exuded. The kind of love that people could feel by just being near him. I saw in my mind's eye my husband or anyone who was hurting and searching approach the Savior. I knew that in His presence they would feel safe and loved. It occurred to me that that is what my husband was truly searching for. Pure love. She was just a vehicle. What if I could show him that kind of love? I could only do that by knowing my Savior intimately so as to access His strength. So I read the helpful books less and less and read of our Savior more and more. The more I learned the more i hungered to know more. To know Him. To trust that He could actually love me. And to be able to share that love with others...especially with my husband.

"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our backs....If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
How do you do that when you hurt so much?

The darkness of the abyss

Our son was due to return home from his mission. We had always planned to go to Japan to pick him up and so we went. My husband, our daughter and I. I was so excited to see my boy. Oh, how I had missed him. But I had this pain in my life that wasn't there when he left and it was all consuming. Still it was glorious when we first laid eyes on our missionary. While walking around Tokyo I found out that he told our boy that I had fallen into a deep depression when he left on his mission. I was sick that he told him that. I didn't want our son to end up blaming him being gone and the resultant depression I had for our problems and I thought my husband was laying the groundwork for being able to blame me for his affair. We hadn't told our son about any of this.

One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in.  I expected her to tell me what to do.  She didn't.  I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me.  I was hoping that I would just see him alone.  But I knew I wouldn't.  Sure enough they deplaned together.

I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?

There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!

Hope dashed

"She" convinced him to meet her to tell her in person. Bad idea. She knew what would happen if they met. Sure enough he just couldn't end it. He didn't tell me this until later.
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless.  I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on.  But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?