"True learning---life-changing learning---cannot be obtained without an immersion in the font of personal experience. I am not just talking about a kind of common sense that inevitably comes with personal experience or the education acquired in the 'school of hard knocks,' but a deeply spiritual linking of experience and intelligence, 'or, in other words, light and truth' (D&C 93:36), that causes a person to see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and feel with a new heart." Brent Top, When You Can't Do it Alone p2.
It was all new. I was new. But we seemed to be two friends sharing a house. He didn't talk about his experiences, feelings, desires, goals. But it wasn't bad either. Still, so much was missing. I was really stumped as to why he had never apologized for how he had broken my heart and my trust. All I could guess was that he was not over her.
I am certain there are those of you reading this who find it interesting but do not for a moment think this could ever happen to you. You may be thinking that this all happened because I made a choice in the first place to marry out of the temple. I have friends whose husbands have had affairs. Some are still married, others are now divorced. They had temple marriages. Their husbands served in bishoprics and as Elder's Quorum presidents. I warn you that it can happen to anyone! Satan does not want us to be successful at that which he will never have. Therefore, he gives high priority to the destruction of the family. Give him the tiniest opening and he will try to get in. I am not trying to scare you or predict that this will happen in your family, but I am warning that none of us can afford to be comfortable in these last days. We must be constantly vigilant if we are to weather the storms of life. Just as we must have food and fuel for a possible catastrophe, we must have spiritual reserves for the days of adversity that will be part of all of our lives.
I read an article in the Ensign years ago that I have never forgotten. The author suggested 4 things we must do daily to keep evil at bay.
1) study scripture. The key word is study...ponder, pray search.
2) prayer. Not just saying a prayer but talking to our Father.
3) Serve others. Remember "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity" (Neal Maxwell).
4) Each day work on overcoming something you are struggling with. I call this repentance.
Doing all of this will not guarantee that adversity will not come into your life, but it will keep us from sin and help us be strong when adversity comes from the actions of others. We will be in tune to receive guidance, healing and strength from on high. We will not turn from our faith.
The next year is a blur. Day in and day out we existed together. Then, about a year after his ex-communication, he announced that he, along with a lot of others he worked with, had decided to leave their jobs at the airport and become flight attendants. We did not have a discussion about this, he just did it. Two weeks later he was on his way to Atlanta for 6 weeks of training. From there he would be based in New York indefinitely. I asked if she was going too. She had applied to be a flight attendant but had not made the cut. At least there was that. The day he left I sobbed the entire day. I would not see him for 6 weeks.
I continued to read and search for strength and answers. I continued to receive healing and love from on high.
How grateful I am for my Savior.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I will bear you up.
The Divine Center by Stephen R. Covey was particularly helpful in teaching me how to find the strength, through our Savior's love, to love and treat with patience and kindness those who were causing such hurt to myself and my family, particularly my husband. Covey said "When we love God and Christ first, we will love our spouse more, not less---with more true love, more wisdom, and more charity. Divine-centeredness is literally the key to a celestial relationship. If we are true and faithful to the covenants we make with the Lord, we will have the security, guidance, wisdom, and power to deal with problems in the marriage."
Further he taught, "True love is found in the affirmation of another person's identity and stewardship, in seeking his or her growth and good, not in interpreting all the other person's responses in terms of one's own needs, hungers, or desires...The key is to see others, particularly so called enemies, as they truly are---children of our Heavenly Father, for whose sins the Savior also atoned as he did for ours."
As I attempted to see my husband in this light I felt increased courage, strength, love and peace. I was not embittered by feelings of anger, despair, frustration, fear and hurt. It felt....good. Of course, not being even close to perfect, there were good days and not so good ones. Days I could see and love him as our Savior did and days, more like moments perhaps, that I found that more difficult. Once he had made the decision to end his relationship with her, I hoped he would love me. He didn't as of yet. At least he didn't recognize that he might love me. Even though he wasn't seeing her, I knew he missed her---or at least the idea of her.
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
Further he taught, "True love is found in the affirmation of another person's identity and stewardship, in seeking his or her growth and good, not in interpreting all the other person's responses in terms of one's own needs, hungers, or desires...The key is to see others, particularly so called enemies, as they truly are---children of our Heavenly Father, for whose sins the Savior also atoned as he did for ours."
As I attempted to see my husband in this light I felt increased courage, strength, love and peace. I was not embittered by feelings of anger, despair, frustration, fear and hurt. It felt....good. Of course, not being even close to perfect, there were good days and not so good ones. Days I could see and love him as our Savior did and days, more like moments perhaps, that I found that more difficult. Once he had made the decision to end his relationship with her, I hoped he would love me. He didn't as of yet. At least he didn't recognize that he might love me. Even though he wasn't seeing her, I knew he missed her---or at least the idea of her.
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
Sunday, October 5, 2008
What would Father have me do?
He received a letter explaining just what his excommunication meant. It really didn't change anything as far as his current participation since he had distanced himself from the church some time before this and had no intention of returning to church activity. Still, it was devastating for me to read.
Several months after his excommunication our Stake President told me to stop by his work so he could talk to me. He said he had some ideas to run past me.
He told me that I deserved to be loved with a deep, intimate, eternal love. he suggested that I consider asking my husband to leave our home. He felt that this would make him hit rock bottom, realize what he was missing and want to come back. When he told me he wanted to come back I was to tell him to call the stake president and he would tell him what he would need to do to get his family back including starting on the path to membership in the church.
I left this meeting with a deeply troubled heart. Was I so lacking in faith that I couldn't trust that this would lead him back to where I desired and he needed to be? I struggled for days wanting to obey my priesthood leader but not feeling this was right. I tried to pray about it but continued to feel very troubled and dark. I talked this over with my therapist. I told him of my struggle to even pray about this because it just depressed me to think about it. H suggested I turn it around. Since I couldn't pray if the decision to have him leave was right perhaps I should pray if having him stay was right.
One day I was walking into the temple pondering this and desiring to know God's will, when in my minds eye the following scene played out. I saw the pre-existance with a group of people full of joy in anticipation of our journey to Earth. As we anxiously awaited our turn for Earth life Heavenly Father entered the picture. We were excited to be in His presence as we gathered around Him. He greeted us all with love in His voice and on His face. Then he got very serious. he told us that He needed a volunteer to go to Earth very soon. We all looked at each other and wondered who would be the lucky one. We loved each other and our excitement was coupled with feelings of sadness at our temporary separation. We understood, however, that the Earth experience would be but a moment in our Heavenly time line. Father continued. He explained that the experience of the person who accepts this calling would be a difficult one, more so that for the rest of us in this gathering. This person would not have the advantage of being raised in a home with the gospel. This person's parents would have struggles which would make it difficult for them to nurture this person as a child. We began to look around at each others' faces, people we loved and had been with for eons. We realized it will only be for a moment, yet would we learn all we needed to and make it safely home, back to each other and this place we loved, under such difficult circumstances? It grew quiet as we each pondered the information Heavenly Father was giving us. Before any of us could speak one stood up and walked over to Father. He was almost nonchalant. He took Father by the hand. "I'll go," he said, no fear in his voice, just grateful for the opportunity to experience Earth life so he could become like Father. We gathered around him, full of love and admiration, to offer our congratulations on his imminent departure. I stood forward and said "don't worry, I will find you and I will help you back." The others surrounding him responded with "we will, too." He smiled and said "I know you will." Heavenly Father hugged him and asked us all "What if the way gets very painful and very difficult?" We answered "We will never give up. Not ever!"
At this moment as I entered the temple I knew I had my answer. I must not give up! It was much later that I realized the others surrounding my husband as he prepared to leave our heavenly home were our children and extended family and friends. I knew it would take a united effort to help him home. But not just him. We are to help each other as well.
It was after this that I went to Father in prayer asking whether it was His will that I stay in this marriage and not ask my husband to leave. I felt immediate peace. I had my answer.
3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.
Still, the road was too be very difficult.
I read the following by Stephen R. Covey:
"In a class of 6 year olds...one of them asked 'What's a yoke?" The teacher immediately began composing in her mind the answer about animals being yoked together to pull a wagon, and about a frame for the shoulders that would help a person carry milk cans or some other burden. But before she could respond to the question, a little girl spoke up in a soft voice. "Jesus' yoke is when he puts his arms around your neck," she said. And so it is, for his yoke truly bring 'rest unto your souls." If even one of the partners in an unequally yoked marriage is truly centered on Christ and yoked up to him primarily, then that person's entire perception of the situation will change. He or she will have the security, guidance, wisdom and power to do whatever is necessary in the Lord's way and in the Lord's time for as long as necessary in an effort to bless the other and help and inspire him to become equally yoked to Christ.
"In the process, the person yoked to Christ will perceive the other's weaknesses with compassion rather than with accusation. He will give grace in the form of kindness, patience, understanding, and unconditional love. Such attitudes and behavior will not guarantee that the other will ultimately respond in kind, but they will maximize that likelihood." The Divine Center.
I could not go on one minute without my Savior's arms around me. Gratefully, He was always near!
Several months after his excommunication our Stake President told me to stop by his work so he could talk to me. He said he had some ideas to run past me.
He told me that I deserved to be loved with a deep, intimate, eternal love. he suggested that I consider asking my husband to leave our home. He felt that this would make him hit rock bottom, realize what he was missing and want to come back. When he told me he wanted to come back I was to tell him to call the stake president and he would tell him what he would need to do to get his family back including starting on the path to membership in the church.
I left this meeting with a deeply troubled heart. Was I so lacking in faith that I couldn't trust that this would lead him back to where I desired and he needed to be? I struggled for days wanting to obey my priesthood leader but not feeling this was right. I tried to pray about it but continued to feel very troubled and dark. I talked this over with my therapist. I told him of my struggle to even pray about this because it just depressed me to think about it. H suggested I turn it around. Since I couldn't pray if the decision to have him leave was right perhaps I should pray if having him stay was right.
One day I was walking into the temple pondering this and desiring to know God's will, when in my minds eye the following scene played out. I saw the pre-existance with a group of people full of joy in anticipation of our journey to Earth. As we anxiously awaited our turn for Earth life Heavenly Father entered the picture. We were excited to be in His presence as we gathered around Him. He greeted us all with love in His voice and on His face. Then he got very serious. he told us that He needed a volunteer to go to Earth very soon. We all looked at each other and wondered who would be the lucky one. We loved each other and our excitement was coupled with feelings of sadness at our temporary separation. We understood, however, that the Earth experience would be but a moment in our Heavenly time line. Father continued. He explained that the experience of the person who accepts this calling would be a difficult one, more so that for the rest of us in this gathering. This person would not have the advantage of being raised in a home with the gospel. This person's parents would have struggles which would make it difficult for them to nurture this person as a child. We began to look around at each others' faces, people we loved and had been with for eons. We realized it will only be for a moment, yet would we learn all we needed to and make it safely home, back to each other and this place we loved, under such difficult circumstances? It grew quiet as we each pondered the information Heavenly Father was giving us. Before any of us could speak one stood up and walked over to Father. He was almost nonchalant. He took Father by the hand. "I'll go," he said, no fear in his voice, just grateful for the opportunity to experience Earth life so he could become like Father. We gathered around him, full of love and admiration, to offer our congratulations on his imminent departure. I stood forward and said "don't worry, I will find you and I will help you back." The others surrounding him responded with "we will, too." He smiled and said "I know you will." Heavenly Father hugged him and asked us all "What if the way gets very painful and very difficult?" We answered "We will never give up. Not ever!"
At this moment as I entered the temple I knew I had my answer. I must not give up! It was much later that I realized the others surrounding my husband as he prepared to leave our heavenly home were our children and extended family and friends. I knew it would take a united effort to help him home. But not just him. We are to help each other as well.
It was after this that I went to Father in prayer asking whether it was His will that I stay in this marriage and not ask my husband to leave. I felt immediate peace. I had my answer.
3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.
Still, the road was too be very difficult.
I read the following by Stephen R. Covey:
"In a class of 6 year olds...one of them asked 'What's a yoke?" The teacher immediately began composing in her mind the answer about animals being yoked together to pull a wagon, and about a frame for the shoulders that would help a person carry milk cans or some other burden. But before she could respond to the question, a little girl spoke up in a soft voice. "Jesus' yoke is when he puts his arms around your neck," she said. And so it is, for his yoke truly bring 'rest unto your souls." If even one of the partners in an unequally yoked marriage is truly centered on Christ and yoked up to him primarily, then that person's entire perception of the situation will change. He or she will have the security, guidance, wisdom and power to do whatever is necessary in the Lord's way and in the Lord's time for as long as necessary in an effort to bless the other and help and inspire him to become equally yoked to Christ.
"In the process, the person yoked to Christ will perceive the other's weaknesses with compassion rather than with accusation. He will give grace in the form of kindness, patience, understanding, and unconditional love. Such attitudes and behavior will not guarantee that the other will ultimately respond in kind, but they will maximize that likelihood." The Divine Center.
I could not go on one minute without my Savior's arms around me. Gratefully, He was always near!
Friday, October 3, 2008
It is over.
He said the relationship was over. But could I really trust that? He didn't end it because he loved me. Still he didn't leave me either. It was very confusing. I could only guess at what he was thinking. The last thing he wanted me to think is that I had won him back and so he just avoided the subject. And so it went from day to day, month to month. It nearly drove me mad!
It had been a year and a half since his affair began when a knock came to the door. Our Stake President handed him a letter explaining that a church court would be convened the following day. It said he could attend if he wanted to. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should go with him. He prepared a statement to read explaining why he did what he did. It didn't really contain remorse. Not that he didn't feel some kind of remorse, but it was more about trying to make 15 really strong, religious men understand where a guy like him was coming from. Here is what it said:
"Are you familiar with the word dissociated? Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that it is an emotional state that can be demonstrated by doing something that you do not personally believe in. Perhaps an example would be a real estate agent selling a home that he doesn't believe to be in particularly good shape and it is also at an inflated price but the salesman pushes it because it is his broker's directive to get this and all other homes moving. A more direct example is when I pretended to love people because the Savior did and it was a commandment and all. But you can't force love. You can't make your emotions be obedient by force. All you can do is pretend to be enthusiastic and maybe you will be enthusiastic eventually. It didn't work for me and I don't think it works for many people. All you get is people faking it.
"Kindness I can do. Listening I can do. Lending a physical hand to someone who needs some help materially I can do. I can't fake the feeling of love. I couldn't even love my family. I let my wife do everything in that department. I got tired of not being me when even my wife got tired of making me feel good, happy, entertained. I found someone else who would. Sex was a part of it. Not a big part but part of the attraction.
"I don't know if I can express myself unless I give you a little background. I know that if I talk in sociological terms most of you will get it but I have spent many years listening to people in church talk and [then] converting over into a form that I can understand. If I hear [our Stake President] or Marvin Ashton say, 'the restored Gospel here on Earth has brought joy and enrichment to the lives of millions of people worldwide,' I might express that by saying 'form adds meaning to life,' to myself. I personally like hearing 'the restored Gospel here on Earth...' version but part of my personal mission is my need to make sense of the world around me and this is how I do it.
"Several years ago, when I was only 17-18-19, I started to think about talents I had and talents that I thought would be useful to me and I figuratively started collecting attitudes, traits and ideas that were going to be useful. The ones I had that I couldn't use right now I put into a bag that I carried behind me. I got married and had two kinds and one of the traits I kept was my devotion to be an objective and dispassionate social scientist even though that wasn't my job for employment. I decided that the Church had all the elements I needed to help me through the ordeal of raising kids and marriage in general. Unfortunately for my wife I did not express feelings and thoughts at all. I kept them to myself for a variety of reasons. My wife didn't feel very nourished by this but threw herself into the task of raising the children wholeheartedly, receiving her social nourishment from Relief Society, children, friends. At the end of twenty years marriage, we had a boy on a mission and a daughter who wasn't interested in interacting with her mother on the same old terms. My wife became depressed and stopped struggling with me for a form of attention, a form of love. I missed the struggle, but to me this was a signal that I could at last start to be my own person and not be saddled with all of the old roles I had been forced to assume for the last 20 years. The tireless provider, the good father,the aloof but cheerful neighbor. At the same time, I turned 42 and it is an absolutely normal part of the male psyche to re-evaluate life at that time. There is only 10-15 years of work life left and sometimes, that bag that you have carried behind you for 20 years has things in it that want to come out. After being in the bag for 20 years, some of those things are not happy at being there for so long, festering in the darkness. Perhaps, these traits and qualities should not be brought out but once you do, you can either run away, wall them up or resolve them. since they were part of my soul, my newly discovered sense of soul, there was no way I was going to put them back in the bag.
"About that time I found someone else who was also going through some of the same re-evaluation. The relationship was rich, loving and full of fantasy. The most important part to me was not the physical, it was the relationship. The fantasy also had an unconscious agreement that I would have to give up my church membership. It didn't fit. She had a social definition of the Church that was somehow painful to her and she didn't want to have any part of it. My understanding level didn't differentiate between church and faith, so I gave up my faith in Jesus along with my activity in the church. I gave up my family and my wife's family in thought and deed. I gave up my interest in home and friends. I felt condemned by my own infidelity with no route home. Eventually I gave up my career momentum and took a lesser position where I could function on a lower level. The richness of the fantasy has also been accompanied by considerable psychic and emotional discomfort and in some ways it resembled an addiction.
"Through some outside coaching I have been able to visualize a loving God who will not let me into the Kingdom because I have not lived up to my covenant and at the same time, a loving, merciful Jesus who has taken on my sins and has said He will stand for me with Jehovah. I feel closer to Jesus at this time than I have ever been. I don't use the Holy Ghost or depend on it consciously, but I have a faith in God, Jesus Christ and the truthfulness of the interaction that occurred between Joseph Smith and the divine personage, Jesus. The church is true in all of its aspects, I just don't find it necessary for me to take part anymore than I want to or personally find value in. Wherever that leaves me, in your eyes, that's where I am."
He did not read the statement. What happened in that court upset him to a point of feeling utterly betrayed by what he considered private, confidential information he had shared with our Stake President being revealed and shared with all in attendance. He could not speak. While they deliberated his fate in the Church he sat in the hall pleading with God that he not be excommunicated. He sat and prayed for the 1/2 hour it took. Finally they called him back into the room and announced that the decision was that he was to lose his membership in the Church. Then they had him walk around the table so that each member of the Stake Presidency and High Council could express their love to him. He did not feel loved.
I sat at home feeling sick to my stomach. When he told me the decision I was deeply saddened but believed it to be Father's will, for these were all men I loved, trusted and revered.
I think he thought that stopping the behavior was enough. He did not understand a broken heart and contrite spirit. He did not understand a new start. Still, I had hope that he would continue to heal and would understand one day and return.
Happiness has to come from within. It has to come from a knowledge of, and reliance on our Savior's love. I know He loves me. I know He loves my husband.
My Stake President called me into his office. He asked me to trust him that if he ever felt inspired to tell me I should leave my husband that I would be able to do so. I was deeply troubled!
1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
I loved my husband. I loved my God.
It had been a year and a half since his affair began when a knock came to the door. Our Stake President handed him a letter explaining that a church court would be convened the following day. It said he could attend if he wanted to. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should go with him. He prepared a statement to read explaining why he did what he did. It didn't really contain remorse. Not that he didn't feel some kind of remorse, but it was more about trying to make 15 really strong, religious men understand where a guy like him was coming from. Here is what it said:
"Are you familiar with the word dissociated? Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that it is an emotional state that can be demonstrated by doing something that you do not personally believe in. Perhaps an example would be a real estate agent selling a home that he doesn't believe to be in particularly good shape and it is also at an inflated price but the salesman pushes it because it is his broker's directive to get this and all other homes moving. A more direct example is when I pretended to love people because the Savior did and it was a commandment and all. But you can't force love. You can't make your emotions be obedient by force. All you can do is pretend to be enthusiastic and maybe you will be enthusiastic eventually. It didn't work for me and I don't think it works for many people. All you get is people faking it.
"Kindness I can do. Listening I can do. Lending a physical hand to someone who needs some help materially I can do. I can't fake the feeling of love. I couldn't even love my family. I let my wife do everything in that department. I got tired of not being me when even my wife got tired of making me feel good, happy, entertained. I found someone else who would. Sex was a part of it. Not a big part but part of the attraction.
"I don't know if I can express myself unless I give you a little background. I know that if I talk in sociological terms most of you will get it but I have spent many years listening to people in church talk and [then] converting over into a form that I can understand. If I hear [our Stake President] or Marvin Ashton say, 'the restored Gospel here on Earth has brought joy and enrichment to the lives of millions of people worldwide,' I might express that by saying 'form adds meaning to life,' to myself. I personally like hearing 'the restored Gospel here on Earth...' version but part of my personal mission is my need to make sense of the world around me and this is how I do it.
"Several years ago, when I was only 17-18-19, I started to think about talents I had and talents that I thought would be useful to me and I figuratively started collecting attitudes, traits and ideas that were going to be useful. The ones I had that I couldn't use right now I put into a bag that I carried behind me. I got married and had two kinds and one of the traits I kept was my devotion to be an objective and dispassionate social scientist even though that wasn't my job for employment. I decided that the Church had all the elements I needed to help me through the ordeal of raising kids and marriage in general. Unfortunately for my wife I did not express feelings and thoughts at all. I kept them to myself for a variety of reasons. My wife didn't feel very nourished by this but threw herself into the task of raising the children wholeheartedly, receiving her social nourishment from Relief Society, children, friends. At the end of twenty years marriage, we had a boy on a mission and a daughter who wasn't interested in interacting with her mother on the same old terms. My wife became depressed and stopped struggling with me for a form of attention, a form of love. I missed the struggle, but to me this was a signal that I could at last start to be my own person and not be saddled with all of the old roles I had been forced to assume for the last 20 years. The tireless provider, the good father,the aloof but cheerful neighbor. At the same time, I turned 42 and it is an absolutely normal part of the male psyche to re-evaluate life at that time. There is only 10-15 years of work life left and sometimes, that bag that you have carried behind you for 20 years has things in it that want to come out. After being in the bag for 20 years, some of those things are not happy at being there for so long, festering in the darkness. Perhaps, these traits and qualities should not be brought out but once you do, you can either run away, wall them up or resolve them. since they were part of my soul, my newly discovered sense of soul, there was no way I was going to put them back in the bag.
"About that time I found someone else who was also going through some of the same re-evaluation. The relationship was rich, loving and full of fantasy. The most important part to me was not the physical, it was the relationship. The fantasy also had an unconscious agreement that I would have to give up my church membership. It didn't fit. She had a social definition of the Church that was somehow painful to her and she didn't want to have any part of it. My understanding level didn't differentiate between church and faith, so I gave up my faith in Jesus along with my activity in the church. I gave up my family and my wife's family in thought and deed. I gave up my interest in home and friends. I felt condemned by my own infidelity with no route home. Eventually I gave up my career momentum and took a lesser position where I could function on a lower level. The richness of the fantasy has also been accompanied by considerable psychic and emotional discomfort and in some ways it resembled an addiction.
"Through some outside coaching I have been able to visualize a loving God who will not let me into the Kingdom because I have not lived up to my covenant and at the same time, a loving, merciful Jesus who has taken on my sins and has said He will stand for me with Jehovah. I feel closer to Jesus at this time than I have ever been. I don't use the Holy Ghost or depend on it consciously, but I have a faith in God, Jesus Christ and the truthfulness of the interaction that occurred between Joseph Smith and the divine personage, Jesus. The church is true in all of its aspects, I just don't find it necessary for me to take part anymore than I want to or personally find value in. Wherever that leaves me, in your eyes, that's where I am."
He did not read the statement. What happened in that court upset him to a point of feeling utterly betrayed by what he considered private, confidential information he had shared with our Stake President being revealed and shared with all in attendance. He could not speak. While they deliberated his fate in the Church he sat in the hall pleading with God that he not be excommunicated. He sat and prayed for the 1/2 hour it took. Finally they called him back into the room and announced that the decision was that he was to lose his membership in the Church. Then they had him walk around the table so that each member of the Stake Presidency and High Council could express their love to him. He did not feel loved.
I sat at home feeling sick to my stomach. When he told me the decision I was deeply saddened but believed it to be Father's will, for these were all men I loved, trusted and revered.
I think he thought that stopping the behavior was enough. He did not understand a broken heart and contrite spirit. He did not understand a new start. Still, I had hope that he would continue to heal and would understand one day and return.
Happiness has to come from within. It has to come from a knowledge of, and reliance on our Savior's love. I know He loves me. I know He loves my husband.
My Stake President called me into his office. He asked me to trust him that if he ever felt inspired to tell me I should leave my husband that I would be able to do so. I was deeply troubled!
1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
I loved my husband. I loved my God.
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