Valentines day

I got a card from him for Valentines Day.
"to the sweetest heart...from the one who holds it close."
:)
Our son was in town this week. We all went to dinner and it was wonderful. I worry about our boy. I know he understands the pain of all we went through, but I worry that he doesn't understand how Satan can get a foothold if we are not vigilant. He and his wife have both voiced the question "How do two people who loved each other once end up in divorce." There are so many reasons. We can simplify it to selfishness but still there is so much more. I told my son that the number one thing he can do to make sure his marriage survives is to "come unto Him" every single day. And not just (as Jeffrey Holland says) "obliquely" but with a true desire to know Him and know his will. As I wrote in a recent post He knows EVERYTHING. He will guide you. protect you, warn you, strengthen you and even help you trust and forget.
I am preparing to teach an institute lesson on true love. I came across this:
"If a person's attitudes and feelings have grown out of a commitment to Christ and faith in his teachings, then the influence those attitudes and feelings will have on marital adjustment are profound.  If the power of the gospel motivates a person, he will approach the adjustments of marriage with inner strength that will help to smooth out adjustments and build a happy marriage.  The gospel foundation will not eliminate the problems and conflicts, but it will profoundly influence how they will be handled."  Joe J. Christensen

The thing is that if one is trying to live by the spirit and is really coming unto Christ with a deeply sincere heart I really believe he/she will be led when moments of doubt, confusion, despair come to his/her life.  I also know that when I really needed strength and guidance I made some minor course corrections that  had a huge impact on my ability to receive the divine guidance and healing I so desperately needed.  Truly it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.

A few weeks ago we had our Stake Women's Conference.  Having been released a year ago  it was the first I would attend in 10 years that I had not been a member of the Stake RS presidency.  I was surprised that as I was preparing to attend I was rather emotional.  When I arrived I saw on the program a section entitled "Testimonies of Sisters"

I was overcome.  I knew I had to share mine!  I tried to talk myself out of it but felt strongly that I must do so.  They had mics in the audience so sisters wouldn't have to go to the stand.  When I stood up a sister approached me with a mic.  I waved her off and whispered "I have to go up there" indicating the stand.  I looked out over the sisters I so dearly love and reminded them that I had, for 8 years, hounded them with the same thing.  It seems too simple to some and seems to defy all logic that such a seemingly simple thing could heal  deep wounds but I know the answer is always the same "Come Unto Him!"  That is the answer.  He is the answer.  Oh, how I love Him.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."Matthew 11:28-30

And so it goes...

I struggle, now days, with how best to assist my husband in his progression in the Gospel. This year he signed us up for tithing settlement. He doesn't pay tithing of course but I do and we pay other offerings in my name. Still, it surprised me that he would sign us up. We have a new Bishop who is very kind, soft spoken, caring. My husband explained to our Bishop, and it was new to me as well, that he decided that he is a "Mormon" but not a "Latter-day Saint." I think the Bishop and I looked stumped by that. "What I mean" he explained, "is that I believe the precepts of Mormonism but I am not a member, nor do I want to be, of The Church." OOOKKKAAAYYY!
It really boggles my mind.
Recently we had a conversation, initiated by him, about his excommunication. Perhaps a little background. It was February of 1994 when our Stake President knocked on our door and handed an envelope to my husband. The letter stated that they were convening a church disciplinary court the next day for him for actions unbecoming a member of the church. He was welcome to attend if he wanted to. Since he had not initiated the process I doubt they thought he would actually attend. Prior to this he had not talked to our Stake President since about a year and a half before when my husband had basically confessed and made some commitments to repent. He did not keep those commitments at the time. When he finally did end the affair he did not go to the Stake President or Bishop to repent. I think in his mind he had repented by quitting the behavior. I don’t know why the President didn’t meet with him prior to the court to see where he really was in terms of behavior and the repentance process and to see how he could help him. Anyway, the church court was held and he did attend. As I have written before he wrote down what he wanted to say at the court. He never said it because when the court began the Stake President repeated to the room of High Councilmen his confession of a year and a half before. My husband was stunned and hurt. He felt betrayed that the President would relate to a room full of men he did not know things that he had told the President in confidence.
The other day when he brought up this experience …which I can’t really recall him ever bringing up on his own before…he added “I feel pretty confident that had I confessed to a Catholic Priest he would have kept my confession confidential.” OUCH! I had no idea how to respond to that.

I am certain that my husband's problem with coming back into the church is a result of the extreme pain, embarrassment and betrayal he felt when he was excommunicated. He sat in the outer office as they discussed his fate for about ½ hour praying that he would not be excommunicated. I know him well enough to know that when he was excommunicated after all, he made a promise to himself that he would never return to a church that would cause him such pain. He is perfectly happy and content with believing the gospel without being a member.
I know our Stake President wanted to help enable my husband to fully repent and be baptized pure and clean. My husband did not understand church disciplinary counsels and did not feel the love and concern. I have no idea what it will take for him to come back!

"But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people, for behold I know my sheep, and they are numbered.
"Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. " 3 Nephi 18:31,32.

Just Cause

Came across this quote by Elder Faust
"Marriage between mand and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises...
"In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
"At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor having 'fallen out of love." Ensign May 1993

If Not For You

I don't really know when it happened but one day I realized the pain, the frustration, the feeling that I didn't love him were gone. How long had it been like that? I didn't know. But I loved him and he loved me. It had taken close to 10 years but this ordeal was finally behind us....well, mostly. Still he was not back in the church. It has now been nearly 17 years since that morning in September and he is still not a member of the church. That's a whole different discussion for another day.
Thirty eight years ago I stood at the door of the LA temple and made a vow that I would be sealed to my husband there within a year. If you've read this from the beginning you know that we did make it to the temple for which I am very grateful. My children and I are sealed and one day when he returns he will be sealed to us again. Still, here I am 38 years later with no temple sealing to him...again. It boggles my mind. I know one day he will come back. Father didn't save this marriage just to end it in the eternities.
Life is good. We are so different from those two people who started this journey together, yet apart. We have learned and grown, struggled and worked. We are here now. Together.
Last September he came home from a trip and he told me that when he talks to people about me he cries. I was stunned. That does not sound even a little bit like the man I married. One day he said to me "do you know that song that Olivia Newton John sang (Huh???? since when did he know an Olivia Newton John song?) that's entitled "If Not For You'? "Yes, I know it" I responded. "I can't hear it without crying because it reminds me of you." Wow. If you would have told me on that September morning that someday life would be not just good but better than I had ever experienced I would not have believed you! I am so grateful that Father guided us through this experience in such a way that our marriage was preserved. It could have so easily ended. He (my husband) wanted it over. I felt powerless to stop it, but....With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible (Luke 1:37).
My journey is far from over and there is much I want to post, but I bear witness that if we come unto Him with all our heart; learn of Him; walk with Him; love Him; serve Him; let Him love us He will guide and heal our lives. "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led toward the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." 1 Nephi 17:13.
One thing I can tell you is that the way was not easy. It was, and at times still is, very difficult to put aside my own needs and fears and place the safety of our union first trusting all the while in my Father's help. Without Him and without the atoning sacrifice of my Savior I would not have been able to endure. But had we ended our marriage because of seemingly insurmountable obstacles we would have never known the joy we have now.
I recognize that there are marriages that cannot endure, but there are many that would not have to end if handed over to the Savior to heal. Everyone says it takes two people to save a marriage. I believe that...yourself and Heavenly Father. If the 3rd member of your marriage should desire to contribute it is even better. But if not...don't give up until Father tells you it is done.

If not for you,

I couldn't find the door
Couldn't even see the floor
I'd be sad and blue if not for you.

If not for you, 

I'd lay awake all night
Wait for the morning light
To shine in through
But it will not be new if not for you.

If not for you, my sky would fall,

rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost if not for you.


If not for you, winter would have no spring
I couldn't hear the robins sing
I just wouldn't have a clue
If not for you, if not for you.

There is hope. There is love and light at the end of the darkness.