As I mentioned, I was reading anything I could get my hands on that might give me hope for our marriage. I came across this from Carlfred Broderick. I, again, received a confirmation that I was doing what Father would have me do. Hard, painful, difficult, but what He wanted for me and for "him"...and for our family. It may not be the path for everyone but it was my path. Here's what I read:
"The term "savior on Mount Zion" is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. Truly, Saints who selflessly devote themselves to genealogical and temple work deserve the title. They perform Christlike service in lovingly opening the gates of exaltation to others who without their work would not have that opportunity.
But I believe that the term might also be applied to another group of the Saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own household.
I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling two women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn't "take," and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all of the minor vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father's life-style rather than their mother's. I watched this good sister struggle with her rebellious family over the years, and I am ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also, I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children. In short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices (as I had, for example) her life would have turned out better (as mine had, for example).
It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward that sister. The Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was the relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. She had (perhaps rashly) volunteered to live her life in the front lines, as it were, of the continuing battle for men's souls. Twice, the Lord continued, she had been given the option of an honorable release from this difficult assignment. (After the blessing she confirmed this.) Twice she had been on the operating table at death's door and was given the free option of coming home or going back to face her challenging responsibilities. Twice she had squared her shoulders and returned to her difficult family. In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband and her children despite their rebellious spirits and that if they were to have any chance at all it would be because of her Christlike patience and long-suffering with them.
When I took my hands off her head I bowed my head in shame, realizing that I stood in the presence of one of the Lord's great ones, truly a savior on Mount Zion.
True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone's surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was helped by his elder brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for a temple marriage. Her daughters are slower to turn around, but I begin to see some softening there. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order (no action yet, but I am prepared to believe in miracles in this family).
The other case involved a man who came from a stable Latter-day Saint family background and a wife who was a convert. Together they were rearing a quartet of healthy young boys. Their problem was the wife's recurrent bouts with anxiety and depression. We got into her background and discovered that she had been raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a neurotically sick mother who stayed in bed all the time and let her little girl do all of the cooking and cleaning. She confessed that she was still full of rage at her parents for so badly abusing her and full of envy for others who had experienced a normal, loving family relationship. She said that on several occasions when she had seen little girls being hugged and kissed by their loving fathers in Church she had to get up and leave. "The Lord knew what he was doing," she confessed, "when he sent me only boys to raise. Girls would have been too hard."
Then she turned to me and said, "Where is the justice? How can God pretend to be just and send some little girls into homes where they are loved and petted and made to feel like somebody and others into homes where they are beat and molested and abused and neglected? What did I do in the pre-earth life to deserve such a family?"
I felt inspired at that time to tell her that she had volunteered in the preexistence to be a savior on Mount Zion, to come to a family drowning in sickness and sin and to be the means of purifying that lineage. Before her in that line were generations of ugly, destructive, family relationships. Downstream from her purifying influence every generation would be blessed with light and love. The role of a savior, I said, is to suffer innocently for the sins of others that still others may not suffer. There can be no higher calling.
She knew by the Spirit that what I suggested was true. That perspective gave her the strength to get on with her life. The last time I heard from her she had also exercised her prerogative to purify her line backward through temple work and was working hard on bringing her parents to see the light.
I suspect that many of us, more than most would ever guess, have made such premortal choices and accepted such divinely demanding missions. More than once I have felt impressed to tell a righteous, long-suffering person that although his or her mate had provided legitimate grounds for divorce and a later cancellation of sealing, that it would please the Lord if the person would refuse to abandon the assignment to help shepherd that straying soul back to the fold. Occasionally someone says to me, "But don't I have any right to happiness?" The answer, of course, is that for those of us in the service of the Lord, the happiness comes from the service and from the close relationship to our Master that goes with it. If one is looking for a happy, settled, unchallenging life, one probably ought to choose a different master.
I am not suggesting that there are never grounds for separation or divorce. I am suggesting that only the Lord can righteously release us from a responsibility we received from him. "
One Flesh, One Heart: Putting Celestial Love into Your Temple Marriage
by Carlfred Broderick
I didn't feel like "one of the great ones" but I was encouraged.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The beginning of the end...
So many times I had hoped he would love me. I hoped he would see that what he was doing was not really him. It was like he was a complete stranger. He had always struggled with relationships and showing love, but he was also always a very nice person. People loved him. This person who was lying, cheating, betraying was not him. I would look at him in wonder. How could he not see that this was not him. She meant breath to him. Freedom, acceptance, self assurance. She didn't complain about his actions or deficiencies. she didn't live with him. Didn't do bills and budgets, home and car repairs with him. With her it was always new and interesting. it was fun and games. But then she started to get needy. On my birthday he spent the day with her. She helped him pick out a gift for me. I still have it, but it's a constant reminder that he was with her on my birthday. I am afraid to get rid of it for some reason. She knew we were going out that night and she felt threatened. she asked that he call her later that night and he was supposed to go cross country skiing with her the next day. He didn't call and he didn't show up. She went nuts. She told him to never call her again. But it was just her way of manipulating him. She never understood that it wasn't even her that he loved. He needed her to feel alive but it could have been anyone. She just happened to be there and they were friends. When he took her seriously and didn't call her again she came back after him. But before she did it was two weeks without her. Still, I knew he missed her. I actually hurt for him. I knew how much my broken heart ached. I assumed his pain was no less. But he was torn. Torn between needing her and the pain of being without her and his constant betrayal of our covenants and his covenants with God. I can't imagine his anguish. Still, during those couple of weeks we got along great. We could laugh and talk and enjoy being together. He needed her but he needed her to be his friend not his lover. She needed all of him. I began to hope he could get over her.
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him. As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience. For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes. It filled me with compassion. Our Savior loves all of Father's children. He sees the real them...the real me. Beneath all the human weakness. And He loves us. Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him. As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience. For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes. It filled me with compassion. Our Savior loves all of Father's children. He sees the real them...the real me. Beneath all the human weakness. And He loves us. Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Will he, won't he?
I really wasn't sure where their relationship stood. It's not like he would give me updates, but he did tell me about the skunk and his determination to end the relationship starting with her leave of absence. She was getting too needy. It was driving him away. I was getting free. I was feeling my burden lifted. After a year of heartache, darkness and fear I was beginning to feel some joy. I would contemplate in awe and wonder at how it could be so. Father's promises are sure. I felt that the miracle I had been seeking was not the miracle I received. But I got a miracle nonetheless. It was the miracle of coming to know my Savior and Father, of being taught from on high, of becoming free of needing another human being to make me happy. It was learning to find happiness from within. It was knowing that my Father and Savior would never desert me or leave me comfortless if I would come unto Them. It was learning that I could trust Them and that with Them NOTHING was impossible.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)