And now what????

We lived from day to day in relative peace.   I felt like I was living with a friend more than a spouse.  But that wasn't so bad after the heartache of the past 3 years.

For Christmas I was completely caught off guard when he gave me the picture "Oh, Jerusalem" by Greg Olson.  It was huge and was a print on canvas.  I really didn't know what to think.  He made not attempt to come back in to the church.  I was perplexed but I kept practicing all I had learned about love and patience, forgiveness and walking hand in had with my Savior.  There was never any mention of forgiveness.  Never any talk about what we had been through.  No indication that he was sorry and loved me.  Yet the gift seemed to speak.  I had learned not to read any message into anything he did because I was usually wrong. 

I was now an ordinance worker, teaching Institute and Relief Society so I was continuing to study and learn.  As with most spiritual experiences the wonder was fading a bit.  I tried to hold on tight to  the amazing feelings I had experienced during those incredible days.  I missed the intensity of it all.  I was drained.  I wanted him to love me and the gospel.  But, then, that is what I had always wanted.  Our relationship was completely new and different.  We never faught.  We allowed each other freedom to be who we were.  We stopped requiring each other to fill our cups.  We learned to help each other but to find happiness from within.  

I ponder on those days often.  On all I learned and all that was yet to transpire between us that has brought us to where we are today.  

I think back to when I first learned that he "loved" someone else.  How my world as I knew it crumbled.  I recall wondering how this could happen when I was trying to live the gospel.  Why weren't we blessed.  Little did I understand the blessings this trial would bring.  I remember thinking that life was not what I had thought it was supposed to be.  You live a good life you get blessed.  Something bad happens you try harder.  I put the burden on myself.  I needed to be perfect to be blessed.  But perfect people wouldn't need a Savior.  We are hear to learn through our own experiences.  That means transgressions will happen, hearts will break, we (I) will be weak at times, but we can repent and be new again because our Savior and our Father love us and provided the way.  Thus the first lesson learned from my list "Adversity is not a punishment, it is an opportunity for growth."

What My Pain Taught Me...

In September another miracle. He was able to transfer back home. Our son was in Japan and our daughter was leaving on her mission September 20th. Interesting that it had been 3 years to the day that our ordeal began.

I had been going to my therapist for nearly 3 years at this point but the insurance was cutting me off. I did not want to stop seeing him but had no choice. When I left he asked me to write down what my pain had taught me. Here is the list I made.
1. Adversity is not a punishment. It is an opportunity for growth.
2. The Savior actually felt my pain in the Garden and on the cross and He alone can understand the magnitude of it.  Thus He alone can truly comfort me.

3.  It is possible to be physically comforted by the Lord though He is not physically present.  Therefore, we are never alone unless we fail to solicit His comfort.  He is always near offering it but we must seek it.  His love is not forced on us.

4.  Because Our Father in Heaven and Our Savior Jesus Christ are the only ones who absolutely know us we cannot allow ourselves to get our identity from the actions of others toward us.  We must define ourselves through careful self-examination and prayer.  Input from others may act as a source for self examination but only God and I can define for me who I am.

5.  Some miracles take time.  Sometimes the miracle is the personal growth toward our Savior that comes from seeking, stretching, pleading for the Lord's help (and trusting Him) when you want something bad enough to work for the desired solution.

6.  When there is nothing you can do about a situation, put all your faith in the fact that Father loves you and knows the beginning to the end.  This is what is meant by handing your burden to Him.  Increase your obedience and service, your love and devotion to Him and be at peace knowing he is going to bless you in ways that are best and in keeping with His plan for you.  It is a law He must obey.

7.  We do not have the power to change other people.  Loving others just the way they are is Christ-like love.  That is the power that can change people.

8.  The Holy Ghost teaches us as we search for answers which come as pure knowledge flowing into our hearts and minds after much prayer and seeking, fasting and meditation to show the sincerity of our desire to learn and to obey.  When these insights come it is as if we have always known them because, in fact, we always have...we have just forgotten.  The greatest learning seems to come in the temple.

9.  I have power in my life.  No one can take it from me unless I surrender it.  Though I sometimes feel powerless I have power over my attitudes and reaction to the actions of others towards me.

10.  It doesn't matter what messages (intentional or unintentional) my parents may have given me in the way they raised me.  I can love them, forgive them and decide for myself the kind of person I am and will be.

11.  Forgiving myself allows me to be able to forgive others.

12.  Since Christ loves each of His children and since He takes the sins of everyone on himself upon condition that they turn to Him, I cannot judge another (only He knows their heart) including my husband and, yes, even his girlfriend.  My only form of reimbursement to Him is my love for and service to my fellowman.  Heavenly Father loves those who hurt and cross me just as much as He loves me.  

13.  The trial of our faith is that we do not give up on Him when it seems we have been deserted but that we realize He is there and He is aware of and working to help remedy our situation.

14.  Enduring doesn't mean waiting for a trial to end.  It means achieving a "mighty change of heart" from the trial. Neal Maxwell says it is the passage of our soul all the way from A to Z.

15.  The suffering we face in this life is minuscule in comparison to the eons of our existence, yet the Christ-like qualities we learn will last forever often making the experiences we dread the most the most valuable and meaningful.

16.  To be humble is to be teachable which means I can learn something from everyone. It is not necessary nor advantageous to always be right.  Understanding this allows me to turn negative experiences and relationships in to positive outcomes.

17.  The most difficult lessons we learn seem to be within our family.  Thar is why we have families.  Otherwise we would withdraw ourselves  from the people our pain is associated with (some do this anyway through divorce). We are all actually brothers and sisters who lived together in a previous life and promised to help each other through this earth life.  Someone who hurts us by their words and actions is actually providing us with an opportunity to learn something of eternal value such as unconditional love, patience or forgiveness.  Imagine how we will feel when we meet again in the next life and the reality of who our parents, spouse, children and friends really are becomes clear if we give up on helping and learning from them in this life.

18.  I am a child of God.  He is my Father, my Abba, my papa, my daddy.  I love Him.  He knows me.  He loves me.  The Savior offered to pay for my sins and carry my burdens because He loves me.  I cannot be perfect in this life.  Perfection comes from a partnership with Christ.  What I can do is to enter into a covenant to turn my life to Him. To imitate His life by loving as He loves and forgiving as He forgives and to repent when I make choices that take me from that course.

19.  With God NOTHING is impossible.