He became disenchanted with his therapist and decided to make a change. There was a big change coming at work and she was going to take a leave of absence. I don't know why I thought it would make any difference but I had high hopes since they wouldn't be together at work at least.
We went to my therapist together a few times. It was really painful because I was learning not to let his actions control me and my choices so whatever he would say about me I was supposed to be able to resolve it rather than to let it hurt me or make me crazy. But healing is a process and even though I was making progress I would have preferred to have our therapist tell him what a dope he was and how great I was. I used to imagine that one day he would see how wrong he had been and how lucky he was to have me. But then I realized that when that happened (sometime in the next life) I would hopefully have progressed to a point that I didn't need to be vindicated. I would just be grateful that he had repented. I would have developed Christ-like love! There would be no satisfaction in him seeing how badly he had hurt me and in him feeling completely terrible about it. But I liked to imagine it would be otherwise.
Our Therapist talked about not hitching my wagon to his bike and vice versa. You can see the problem with hitching your wagon to another s. If they ride their bike off in some strange direction you are going there with them. It's better to ride your own bike side by side or even better, one drafting off the other and taking turns in the lead. I always thought a husband and wife had to be at the same place on the path to Father. Not the way it is or needs to be. Does it really matter as long as you are on the path? I don't think so.
I learned that we do not know the heart of anyone else....even our spouse. We only know what they allow us to see and what we interpret from our experiences with them. We may be seeing them completely wrong. Only Father and our Savior know their heart. We can find out more about others by asking Father to help us see them as They do.
He decided that now was a good time to make a break. He had determined that he was dealing with a fantasy, an addiction, and it was becoming a bit frustrating for him. As I was becoming more free (by walking with my Father and Savior) she was becoming more needy. One day I went to the airport. She saw me walking with him and walked right up to us and said to him "can I see you a minute?" He went off with her and when he returned I asked him what she wanted. He started to snicker and said " she told me she didn't appreciate being treated like 'the other woman.:" Huh! I thought she WAS the other woman. Apparently she didn't think so.
I sent her a letter. I told her she was only a fantasy to him. I told her that even if they did end up together he would never be able to separate himself from the family he was part of...me and his children.
She called me. She told me he didn't want to be in the church and asked me if I wanted him under those conditions. She really didn't get it. He was my husband. The father of our children. I wanted him in my life forever and always.
She told me not to ever write to her again. Whatever.
Her leave of absence started. One day he was riding home, returning from a bike ride. He passed a dead skunk in the side of the road. He went home, got a shovel, went back and buried it. He made a sign that said "here lies the relationship of ______ and _______" complete with dates and he posted it there. I had high hopes. But remember....addictions are compelling!
Viktor Frankl said, in Man's Search for Meaning " Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms---to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
I was making great progress in choosing to love, to forgive, to seek solace rather than bitterness. It was only because of the strength I felt from the relationship I was developing with my Father and Savior. There was more joy in Their love then I had ever experienced in my life. It felt good. And I was hopeful. How many times would that hope been dashed? How many times and in how many ways would my heart be broken? But I could survive. I never stopped repeating in my mind, many times a day "with God nothing shall be impossible." Including saving this marriage?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I have loved thee with an everlasting love.
I read a book called "What Really Works With Men." It suggested that rather than thinking of him as a husband betraying you, you think of him as having a terminal disease. I pondered that and realized that in reality he was like someone with a terrible illness. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was really this man who was killing me, figuratively speaking of course. I decided to look past his humanness and see him as a very sad, lost spirit son of our Father. Each time I wanted to scream at him and tell him what a jerk he was I took a deep breath and turned it around 180 degrees. I never condoned his behavior but I did try to show love and compassion. That is a tall order when I so needed him to show me the same. But expecting him to do so before I could treat him with compassion was completely destructive to our relationship. I decided that in reality a marriage that is 50-50 probably works out to more like 25-25 since both partners are waiting for the other to treat them the way they feel they should be treated before reciprocating. I decided to give 150%. What I found was the more I loved and served him without requiring anything in return the kinder he was to me. At times I wanted to give up though.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Agony
The pain was agonizing. One day I was supposed to pick him up from work. I decided to park and go in (did I mention they worked at the airport?). I walked to where he usually worked and it was pretty much deserted so I headed back toward the C terminal. Just beyond the terminal I spotted them. It wasn't the first time I had seen them together.
This night they were walking arm in arm. I really didn't know what to do. What do you do? I just followed them. Eventually they headed up an escalator and he happened to turn around and he spotted me. I gave him a signal like "get down here right now!!!!" I didn't follow him up until I realized he wasn't coming back down as fast as I thought he should. I followed him up and though he denied it I saw him kiss her and off she went. I went up to him and put my arm through his like we were just fine. If she was watching I wanted her to be worried. He was not amused. I knew there were plenty of people who knew us who could easily see them together in the airport. As I said before, he did not care. Probably a year or two later a friend told me she had seen him with her there.
Each time I visited my therapist I felt more and more empowered. It's kind of like going to the temple and being filled with the incredible joy there and a desire to keep that spirit only to leave and within a very short time feel the world all around you again. You really have to work to keep those great, healing feelings. I was learning strategies to help me heal. One thing I was learning was to let myself feel joy even if it was for only minutes a day. When I was in the deepest depression I would try to fill myself with joy. I would smile and breathe deeply as though filling my soul with happiness. It felt so good, but it was very hard to sustain. The relationship was just so hard and relentlessly took its toll.
Every so often there were hopeful signs that he just might end it with her. But he always went back. He was reading a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" or something close to that. At least he was willing to acknowledge that they might not be "soul mates"....that the relationship might just be compelling.
My therapist called it a "vehicle of emancipation"...his attempt to become free. Free from the feeling that all relationships were a matter of control. We all need to break that cycle sometime in our lives of succumbing to the control of others to prove we love them. Its' draining. But we can't seem to separate love and control so we let our parents, spouse, the church control us until we just can't take it anymore and we find that vehicle to bring us the freedom we long for. There is a better way....
But I digress.
He was addicted. One day he very calmly told me that he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with her. His very life seemed to depend on it. she, he explained to me, was his only friend. funny...I thought a friend was someone who helped you be who you should be. I thought a friend brought out the best in you. He wasn't even who he really was when with her. This was not him!
I asked him where I fit into that scenario. After all, he had been a tiny bit receptive to our relationship as of late. It was very confusing, but gave me some hope every so often.
He told me that she was the person he had fun with, he skied and biked and hiked with. I was the person he came home to. I did his laundry, prepared his meals, did the dishes and the budget. .. I wanted to be the fun one.
One day he came home with a new sweatshirt. It smelled of a perfume I knew wasn't mine. It broke my heart yet again. I hated that sweatshirt and I hated Patagonia forever after that...and Coco Channel.
It was agonizing. One day as I was pondering (I did that a lot!!!) I thought about how much I did not like this woman! How much she was hurting me. Hurting my children. Hurting my husband. I guess Heavenly Father felt that there had been significant progress made in my spiritual growth and and that I was learning to trust Him so He taught me in that moment a startling thing. The spirit spoke to me and said "Heavenly Father loves her just as much as He loves you." Oh, WOW! It didn't hurt nearly as much as I would have thought it would because it was from Him and it taught me that if He could love her with all she was doing and all the pain her actions were causing our family then he surely could love me. Not that I was anybody, but it helped me understand.
My therapist suggested that I pray for Him to carry her burden. I was excited as I thought that perhaps my prayers could bring her healing. I was going to bless her life because I was a good person and was going to pray for her! I felt quite powerful until I realized one night that I was really asking Him to forgive her. It struck me then that I must learn to forgive her as well. That was painful. They were still very much involved yet I knew I must learn to forgive. But having been praying for her burden to be light had contributed to mine being lighter! There was hope that with Father's help I could pull this off.
I imagined Heavenly Father and my Savior with their arms around me. I allowed myself to feel the love they had for me though I felt completely unlovable. And I even allowed myself to feel the love They had for her.
I was feeling some healing and my husband noticed it. He was really torn between his need for her and his need for the peace he could see developing in me.
But there were some very tough days ahead. Yet I was learning in Whom I could and must trust.
"I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me! Many of those around me might indeed get better too, since we seldom see how much we are a key part of a negative relationship pattern. ...I used to think if I were worthy enough and worked hard enough and exercised enough anxiety (which is not the same thing as faith), I could change anything. But I learned that my power and my control were illusions. I learned that to survive emotionally I had to turn my life over to the care of that tender Heavenly Father who was really in charge.
"...God designed marriage as a refuge--two people tenderly caring for each other through life's experiences---but also as a tutorial in love. Each has something to teach the other, and the learning is usually not easy. If marriage is not seen as a tutorial in love, a preparation for living in eternity, Satan can rend the marriage by causing the partners to focus on what is unimportant and on the ever dangerous goal of self-fulfillment.
"And so marriage, perhaps more than any other relationship--because it is more intimate than any other---is our greatest spiritual challenge and has the greatest potential, along with parenthood, to make godly beings of us. We must leave off trying to perfect our spouse and study how best to apply the principles of love in ourselves.
"...The moment when a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. It is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain.
"...My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come; hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods."
M. Catherine Thomas (Spiritual Lightening pp. 62,63)
Could I, strengthened by His love, bless our marriage???? Would we survive this? And if we didn't, would I be able to exist without him?
This night they were walking arm in arm. I really didn't know what to do. What do you do? I just followed them. Eventually they headed up an escalator and he happened to turn around and he spotted me. I gave him a signal like "get down here right now!!!!" I didn't follow him up until I realized he wasn't coming back down as fast as I thought he should. I followed him up and though he denied it I saw him kiss her and off she went. I went up to him and put my arm through his like we were just fine. If she was watching I wanted her to be worried. He was not amused. I knew there were plenty of people who knew us who could easily see them together in the airport. As I said before, he did not care. Probably a year or two later a friend told me she had seen him with her there.
Each time I visited my therapist I felt more and more empowered. It's kind of like going to the temple and being filled with the incredible joy there and a desire to keep that spirit only to leave and within a very short time feel the world all around you again. You really have to work to keep those great, healing feelings. I was learning strategies to help me heal. One thing I was learning was to let myself feel joy even if it was for only minutes a day. When I was in the deepest depression I would try to fill myself with joy. I would smile and breathe deeply as though filling my soul with happiness. It felt so good, but it was very hard to sustain. The relationship was just so hard and relentlessly took its toll.
Every so often there were hopeful signs that he just might end it with her. But he always went back. He was reading a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" or something close to that. At least he was willing to acknowledge that they might not be "soul mates"....that the relationship might just be compelling.
My therapist called it a "vehicle of emancipation"...his attempt to become free. Free from the feeling that all relationships were a matter of control. We all need to break that cycle sometime in our lives of succumbing to the control of others to prove we love them. Its' draining. But we can't seem to separate love and control so we let our parents, spouse, the church control us until we just can't take it anymore and we find that vehicle to bring us the freedom we long for. There is a better way....
But I digress.
He was addicted. One day he very calmly told me that he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with her. His very life seemed to depend on it. she, he explained to me, was his only friend. funny...I thought a friend was someone who helped you be who you should be. I thought a friend brought out the best in you. He wasn't even who he really was when with her. This was not him!
I asked him where I fit into that scenario. After all, he had been a tiny bit receptive to our relationship as of late. It was very confusing, but gave me some hope every so often.
He told me that she was the person he had fun with, he skied and biked and hiked with. I was the person he came home to. I did his laundry, prepared his meals, did the dishes and the budget. .. I wanted to be the fun one.
One day he came home with a new sweatshirt. It smelled of a perfume I knew wasn't mine. It broke my heart yet again. I hated that sweatshirt and I hated Patagonia forever after that...and Coco Channel.
It was agonizing. One day as I was pondering (I did that a lot!!!) I thought about how much I did not like this woman! How much she was hurting me. Hurting my children. Hurting my husband. I guess Heavenly Father felt that there had been significant progress made in my spiritual growth and and that I was learning to trust Him so He taught me in that moment a startling thing. The spirit spoke to me and said "Heavenly Father loves her just as much as He loves you." Oh, WOW! It didn't hurt nearly as much as I would have thought it would because it was from Him and it taught me that if He could love her with all she was doing and all the pain her actions were causing our family then he surely could love me. Not that I was anybody, but it helped me understand.
My therapist suggested that I pray for Him to carry her burden. I was excited as I thought that perhaps my prayers could bring her healing. I was going to bless her life because I was a good person and was going to pray for her! I felt quite powerful until I realized one night that I was really asking Him to forgive her. It struck me then that I must learn to forgive her as well. That was painful. They were still very much involved yet I knew I must learn to forgive. But having been praying for her burden to be light had contributed to mine being lighter! There was hope that with Father's help I could pull this off.
I imagined Heavenly Father and my Savior with their arms around me. I allowed myself to feel the love they had for me though I felt completely unlovable. And I even allowed myself to feel the love They had for her.
I was feeling some healing and my husband noticed it. He was really torn between his need for her and his need for the peace he could see developing in me.
But there were some very tough days ahead. Yet I was learning in Whom I could and must trust.
"I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me! Many of those around me might indeed get better too, since we seldom see how much we are a key part of a negative relationship pattern. ...I used to think if I were worthy enough and worked hard enough and exercised enough anxiety (which is not the same thing as faith), I could change anything. But I learned that my power and my control were illusions. I learned that to survive emotionally I had to turn my life over to the care of that tender Heavenly Father who was really in charge.
"...God designed marriage as a refuge--two people tenderly caring for each other through life's experiences---but also as a tutorial in love. Each has something to teach the other, and the learning is usually not easy. If marriage is not seen as a tutorial in love, a preparation for living in eternity, Satan can rend the marriage by causing the partners to focus on what is unimportant and on the ever dangerous goal of self-fulfillment.
"And so marriage, perhaps more than any other relationship--because it is more intimate than any other---is our greatest spiritual challenge and has the greatest potential, along with parenthood, to make godly beings of us. We must leave off trying to perfect our spouse and study how best to apply the principles of love in ourselves.
"...The moment when a partner fears that he or she may have fallen out of love with the other partner is the moment when the opportunity for genuine love begins. It is perhaps the moment when a readiness for a step up in spiritual maturation has arrived. It is the moment when we realize what great power we have to bless the person to whom we are married, and how much power we have to cause unnecessary pain.
"...My witness is that there are special blessings reserved for those who devote themselves to making marriage work, blessings that are realized in this life and in the life to come; hidden treasures of the Spirit, reserved for those who would be gods."
M. Catherine Thomas (Spiritual Lightening pp. 62,63)
Could I, strengthened by His love, bless our marriage???? Would we survive this? And if we didn't, would I be able to exist without him?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
oops.
"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body , and in your spirit, which are God's"
" Our soul is what is a stake here...The purchase price for our fullness of joy---body and spirit eternally united===is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, its' my life," or worse yet "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
" Our soul is what is a stake here...The purchase price for our fullness of joy---body and spirit eternally united===is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, its' my life," or worse yet "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I know thee by name
I remember a day that I was sitting in our kitchen. I was so tired. So overwhelmed. So, so sad. The feelings welled up in me until I felt that I would burst. How could one continue day in and day out to live with such pain? I thought "There is no way I could explain to anyone what this feels like. The pain, the anguish is beyond description." It was the first time I ever remember receiving such directed revelation. The Spirit said to me "Your Savior knows exactly what you are feeling." I knew it was revelation because I had NO idea that He could know what I felt. I had often contemplated the atoning sacrifice of our Savior but it always ended with me thinking that, while He suffered great physical agony, He certainly never experienced divorce, cancer, betrayal by a spouse, physical or sexual abuse or many other human experiences. This was new to me and I was in awe.
First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!
I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.
I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "
I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?
And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.
I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?
Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."
I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?
One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.
I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”
I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.
I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.
I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.
When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.
But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.
First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!
I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.
I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "
I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?
And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.
I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?
Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."
I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?
One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.
I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”
I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.
I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.
I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.
When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.
But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Sacred Message
Jacob 2: 31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.
34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.
35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.
32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.
34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.
35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.
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