I had read many books during these dark days. The Case Against Divorce, What Really Works with Men, How to Get Him Back From the Other Woman to name a few. They had some pretty good ideas and I tried many things to win him back. I put my heart out there for him to stomp on. Usually he did and I wanted to give up hope. But something kept me going.
By now I knew I couldn't change him but I realized that I could change myself. I was not going to blame myself for his choice to forsake his covenants, and betray me but I knew I could become a kinder, gentler, more patient and loving person. Over the years I had let his indifference develop a wall of sorts around my heart. Now, with my marriage in great jeopardy, I was determined that I would change and that he would notice.
The books helped. I tried a lot of different techniques to keep him around. Nothing seemed to work. I had to fight the urge to despair and give up. I just felt I had to be proactive.
One day I obtained a room at a quaint hotel. Prior to this I had gone to several stores and purchased items like flowers, a fruit tray, sparkling cider, lotion, candy etc. I left a note for him that said to follow the instructions contained in each envelope. Each would send him to a different store to pick up the items I had purchased. The last envelope had the key to the hotel room. I was already there with soft music playing and dozens of candles lit. I was absolutely terrified. What if he didn't show. Or what if he did but he was mad or cold. I waited. He came. We actually had a very special evening and were able to talk and just relax. But 3 days later it was apparent that he was with her still and I felt absurd. What had I been thinking? It would be much, much later that I would realize that every little thing I tried had a positive effect. It just wasn't always noticeable immediately. But for now I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally demolished.
The therapist I had been trying to get him an appointment with finally called.
He wouldn't go. He said he was fine with the therapist he was seeing. I was deflated. I had great hope that this other therapist would make the difference. Would make him see the correct path. Would tell him what an idiot he was being.
I was embarrassed that after calling and calling trying to get an appointment for him he wouldn't go so I decided that rather than waste the appointment I would go. I left that session with my head reeling. The things this man taught me gave me hope!
I told him of the affair and my husband wanting a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I did not want a divorce.
My husband had asked me why I loved him. I couldn't think of why. Is that odd? I had to question whether I just couldn't take the rejection or if I truly loved him. I had been hurt by him repeatedly over the years. Had I truly built up a wall?
When I told the therapist I didn't want my husband to leave me he replied "well, don't let him go." That completely boggled my mind. How could I possibly make him stay? How could I stop him? It sounded absurd. "What if he packs his bags ?" I asked. "Sit on his bag and don't let him go" he told me. What? How could I stop him. "What if he leaves anyway. He's stronger than I am!" "Camp out on his doorstep everyday." he said. What he was helping me see is that I had power in my life. NO ONE could take it from me. After feeling so powerless this was invigorating. I left feeling hope. He was a gestalt therapist. You know, you put someone (figuratively) in the chair and tell them 'You are my husband, and I am your wife. You have hurt me, betrayed me, stomped on my heart but I am not going to let your actions control me. I am going to love you. I choose to love you." I left empowered.
I know why people go to more than one therapy session. It didn't take long for my new sense of empowerment to wane. Being around my husband exhausted me. I would spend every moment that I had with him being nice and loving and patient and forgiving. Then he would leave and I would collapse, exhausted. I would cry. I would pray. And I started to search the scriptures looking for the love my Father had for me. Could He really love me?
It's a devastating thing when the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else on this earth doesn't. My self image was destroyed. But I had a new mantra. "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible." Luke 1:37
On the darkest days I would repeat that many times. It had to be true. What other hope was there?
People thought I was crazy. "why do you put up with him?" they would ask. "I would be gone!" they would say.
I would take long walks and ponder. One thing that continually went through my mind was a vision of the Savior and the love He exuded. The kind of love that people could feel by just being near him. I saw in my mind's eye my husband or anyone who was hurting and searching approach the Savior. I knew that in His presence they would feel safe and loved. It occurred to me that that is what my husband was truly searching for. Pure love. She was just a vehicle. What if I could show him that kind of love? I could only do that by knowing my Savior intimately so as to access His strength. So I read the helpful books less and less and read of our Savior more and more. The more I learned the more i hungered to know more. To know Him. To trust that He could actually love me. And to be able to share that love with others...especially with my husband.
"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our backs....If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
How do you do that when you hurt so much?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The darkness of the abyss
Our son was due to return home from his mission. We had always planned to go to Japan to pick him up and so we went. My husband, our daughter and I. I was so excited to see my boy. Oh, how I had missed him. But I had this pain in my life that wasn't there when he left and it was all consuming. Still it was glorious when we first laid eyes on our missionary. While walking around Tokyo I found out that he told our boy that I had fallen into a deep depression when he left on his mission. I was sick that he told him that. I didn't want our son to end up blaming him being gone and the resultant depression I had for our problems and I thought my husband was laying the groundwork for being able to blame me for his affair. We hadn't told our son about any of this.
One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in. I expected her to tell me what to do. She didn't. I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me. I was hoping that I would just see him alone. But I knew I wouldn't. Sure enough they deplaned together.
I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?
There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!
One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in. I expected her to tell me what to do. She didn't. I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me. I was hoping that I would just see him alone. But I knew I wouldn't. Sure enough they deplaned together.
I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?
There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Hope dashed
"She" convinced him to meet her to tell her in person. Bad idea. She knew what would happen if they met. Sure enough he just couldn't end it. He didn't tell me this until later.
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless. I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on. But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless. I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on. But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
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