I have to correct myself. I said that I received an impression that marriage isn't so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. That is not exactly what I meant to say. President Hinckley once said that marriage isn't so much about romance as the anxious caring and concern for the well being of one's mate.
Surely we should want to help our spouse to find happiness. We want to bring joy into their life. But for us to expect our spouse to "make me happy" is not the purpose of marriage. Happiness has to come from within and when we love and serve our spouse we are happy. Even during those horrid, painful days I could find happiness by serving him and forgetting myself.
So marriage isn't really about whether or not he makes me happy, but how much I can help him home. Like I said before, I learned that if I want a marriage in which each of us gives equally and I keep track of that it will end up being more like 25-15 or some other equally destructive ratio. But if I can give 150% even when he won't there's a chance, with my Savior as my advocate, he will start to give more.
finding happiness from within is the hardest lesson of life. It is found in our Savior's love.
Imagine that as you are sitting here right now our Savior enters the room and walks directly to you. He puts His hand on your shoulder and you look up into His warm, kind, patient, compassionate, loving eyes. “I love you” He says. You reply “Me? How can you love me?” As you start a steady flow of all the reasons why you don’t deserve His love, He puts His hand to your mouth to stop you “I love you.” He emphatically replies.
Imagine Him taking you into his arms and saying “Walk with me. Feel my love and strength. Let me be your teacher. Let me be your guide. Let me love you.” Can you feel the strength and joy and peace that would bring?
He does love you. He knows you personally. He is always available to you. Trust that. Trust Him. Love Him. Let Him love you.
I know my Savior lives. I know it! I love him and thank him for his unwavering love and incredible patience with me as I try to trust that he could really love me. I thank him for the power His love gives me when I feel powerless. I know that with Him nothing is impossible! I thank him for actually experiencing my pains, my sorrows, all the experiences of my life and most of all for taking my sins on him in His Gethsemane so that I can be redeemed and be comforted and strengthened by His incomparable love in mine. I love Him for always running to me even when I fail to notice. He is always there.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Limbo
I had been praying to know my Father's will for me and for him. Did He want me to patiently love him forever? I would do so. Did He want me to realize there was no hope for us to be together for all eternity and leave him and get on with my life? I would. I just wanted to KNOW. Even if there is no hope for us eternally is there much I could learn by loving him unconditionally and never giving up? Perhaps I could help him along the way. It was just so frustrating to be stuck in an unproductive pattern.
I blamed myself for his lack of interest in the church.
At one of our stake conferences Elder John E. Fowler spoke about choosing a stake president. He had asked those involved "who is the most spiritual sister in the stake?" It was her husband who was then chosen as the Stake President. He said that spiritually strong women have spiritually strong husbands. I was distraught thinking "where does that put me?" I began to wonder whether Father would want me to leave my husband to find a righteous Priesthood holder to spend my life with. I was pondering all this in the temple one day when I received an amazing impression as to what marriage is really all about. It's not so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. It's about helping him to be the best he can be and helping him home to our Father. For years I had been knit picky because I felt unloved. I tried to influence by "force feeding the veggies" because they were good for him instead of influencing by quiet, loving example. Why would he be interested in the Gospel when I made it a matter of "have to" rather than a matter of choice. But I didn't know any different. I did the same with my children. I feared for them if they did not conform to Father's will. As I came to know my Savior more and more I realized that what He taught us was to love and serve in order to influence. Force, control, coercion never works. Agency is Father's greatest gift to us. When we just love someone while setting a righteous example...then we have influence. But it has to be sincere. It can't be done with the idea of changing the other person. In order to pull that off one needs to know our Savior. Said President Hunter:
“The world is full of people who are willing to tell us, “Do as I say.” Surely we have no lack of advice givers on about every subject. But we have so few who are prepared to say, “Do as I do.” And, of course, only One in human history could rightfully and properly make that declaration. History provides many examples of good men and women, but even the best of mortals are flawed in some way or another. None could serve as a perfect model nor as an infallible pattern to follow, however well-intentioned they might be.
Only Christ can be our ideal, our “bright and morning star” (Rev. 22:16). Only he can say without any reservation, “Follow me; learn of me; do the things you have seen me do. Drink of my water and eat of my bread. I am the way, the truth, and the life. I am the law and the light. Look unto me and ye shall live. Love one another as I have loved you”
My, what a clear and resonant call! What certainty and example in a day of uncertainty and absence of example.
The great standard! The only sure way! The light and the life of the world!
We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him. Then we will drink water springing up unto eternal life and will eat the bread of life”.
When we know Him we then want to emulate Him for true worship is emulation. When we emulate Him we influence others.
When he left for FA training I panicked. What if this was Father's answer? Maybe this was the end.
I had a longing, a hope, a dream. He would receive a sure testimony that God lives and loves him. That Jesus Christ, our Savior and redeemer, took our burdens upon Him because He loves us. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and that he would be baptized and then dedicate his life in quiet, loving service. That he would love me and treat me like his most prized possession. All I could do is to do my best to be deserving of such a blessing yet understand that he has his agency regardless of my worthiness. Maybe one day it would happen...maybe not.
Oh how I wanted him to know how amazing it is to feel our Heavenly Father's and our Savior's love. I wished he could understand how much he is loved by Them. That would change everything.
I blamed myself for his lack of interest in the church.
At one of our stake conferences Elder John E. Fowler spoke about choosing a stake president. He had asked those involved "who is the most spiritual sister in the stake?" It was her husband who was then chosen as the Stake President. He said that spiritually strong women have spiritually strong husbands. I was distraught thinking "where does that put me?" I began to wonder whether Father would want me to leave my husband to find a righteous Priesthood holder to spend my life with. I was pondering all this in the temple one day when I received an amazing impression as to what marriage is really all about. It's not so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. It's about helping him to be the best he can be and helping him home to our Father. For years I had been knit picky because I felt unloved. I tried to influence by "force feeding the veggies" because they were good for him instead of influencing by quiet, loving example. Why would he be interested in the Gospel when I made it a matter of "have to" rather than a matter of choice. But I didn't know any different. I did the same with my children. I feared for them if they did not conform to Father's will. As I came to know my Savior more and more I realized that what He taught us was to love and serve in order to influence. Force, control, coercion never works. Agency is Father's greatest gift to us. When we just love someone while setting a righteous example...then we have influence. But it has to be sincere. It can't be done with the idea of changing the other person. In order to pull that off one needs to know our Savior. Said President Hunter:
“The world is full of people who are willing to tell us, “Do as I say.” Surely we have no lack of advice givers on about every subject. But we have so few who are prepared to say, “Do as I do.” And, of course, only One in human history could rightfully and properly make that declaration. History provides many examples of good men and women, but even the best of mortals are flawed in some way or another. None could serve as a perfect model nor as an infallible pattern to follow, however well-intentioned they might be.
Only Christ can be our ideal, our “bright and morning star” (Rev. 22:16). Only he can say without any reservation, “Follow me; learn of me; do the things you have seen me do. Drink of my water and eat of my bread. I am the way, the truth, and the life. I am the law and the light. Look unto me and ye shall live. Love one another as I have loved you”
My, what a clear and resonant call! What certainty and example in a day of uncertainty and absence of example.
The great standard! The only sure way! The light and the life of the world!
We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him. Then we will drink water springing up unto eternal life and will eat the bread of life”.
When we know Him we then want to emulate Him for true worship is emulation. When we emulate Him we influence others.
When he left for FA training I panicked. What if this was Father's answer? Maybe this was the end.
I had a longing, a hope, a dream. He would receive a sure testimony that God lives and loves him. That Jesus Christ, our Savior and redeemer, took our burdens upon Him because He loves us. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and that he would be baptized and then dedicate his life in quiet, loving service. That he would love me and treat me like his most prized possession. All I could do is to do my best to be deserving of such a blessing yet understand that he has his agency regardless of my worthiness. Maybe one day it would happen...maybe not.
Oh how I wanted him to know how amazing it is to feel our Heavenly Father's and our Savior's love. I wished he could understand how much he is loved by Them. That would change everything.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
A change...
So he was gone. I didn't know what to do or think or how to act. To my surprise and relief he called me quite often. He actually seemed to miss me. During his 5 week training I flew to Atlanta to visit him. When I got to my departure gate she was working the counter. What could I do? I really didn't want to have to go talk to her face to face. I kind of wandered up and down the hallway hoping she would go down the jet way or something. Somehow I managed to check in without dealing with her. Remember that at this point I had lost 75 pounds. I am pretty sure she didn't like that one bit. I got in line and got on the the plane without having to talk to her. When I got to Atlanta he told me that she had called him. She left him a message that she had seen me "parading up and down the hallways looking all cute and darling." That made me smile. He told me that she said she had considered walking up to me and handing me his pager number so I would know she had it but had decided not to.
"Why does she have your pager number?" I asked. He told me he had seen her in the parking lot and she asked him for it so he gave it to her. I wasn't comforted by this news.
I don't think I ever saw her again. But I did find emails that they were sharing. Mostly him telling her not to contact him via his home email address. So they were still in communication.
I often felt conspicuous when I was at the airport. I knew everyone there knew about their affair. I felt like they all looked at me as the bad person who had ruined their relationship. It always felt awkward.
I noticed that when he and I were together at the airport that he kept his distance from me.
When he graduated from his training the family was invited to the ceremony. Our daughter and I went. Again, awkward. However, the woman in charge of his class told me "he really missed you." I wondered if she really knew that or if she just said it to everyone.
He left for NY. He was always on call so had to stay there except on his days off when he would fly home. I visited him several times in NY and stayed in the "flight attendant" apartment he lived in with 15 other flight attendants...male and female. AWKWARD!!!
But he did seem to actually care about me. Could I trust him? Could I trust he was really over her? Could I trust it wouldn't happen again? After all, he flew with many women and stayed at hotels with rooms right next to each other. It was a very difficult time.
Our son left for Japan for 6 months to do an internship and our daughter put in her mission papers. We began to have a number of miracles in our lives. Mostly small things but miracles none the less. One happened on a Sunday morning. Our daughter had not yet received her mission call and our stake president told her she could not go to the temple until she received her call. I was saddened by that because it would mean she would not be able to go to the temple before her brother left for Japan. With her dad not able to go to the temple I really wanted our son to be there. I resigned myself to the fact that it would just be my daughter and me. On this particular Sunday morning her branch President woke up early with the thought in his mind "[she] needs to go to the temple before her brother leaves for Japan." He called her in, conducted the recommend interview and sent her to the Stake President. The Stake President said "no, you can't go until your mission call comes." She told him that her branch President felt otherwise. The Stake President sent her home and said he would call the branch President and explain to him. This was all very time sensitive as the Stake President was leaving town that evening and wouldn't be back until after our son left for Japan. I spent the day in prayer.
A few hours later the Stake President called her and asked her to come back to his office. There he told her that, after conferring with the branch president, he had determined that this was indeed inspiration and he would give her the recommend.
I knew our Father was aware of our situation, that He love her and each of us and had given this inspiration to her Branch President.
That week, just before our son left, we were able to go to the temple with my daughter. It was heartbreaking not to have her dad there. The first of many such experiences that we would not be able to share with him.
But I lived in hope.
"Why does she have your pager number?" I asked. He told me he had seen her in the parking lot and she asked him for it so he gave it to her. I wasn't comforted by this news.
I don't think I ever saw her again. But I did find emails that they were sharing. Mostly him telling her not to contact him via his home email address. So they were still in communication.
I often felt conspicuous when I was at the airport. I knew everyone there knew about their affair. I felt like they all looked at me as the bad person who had ruined their relationship. It always felt awkward.
I noticed that when he and I were together at the airport that he kept his distance from me.
When he graduated from his training the family was invited to the ceremony. Our daughter and I went. Again, awkward. However, the woman in charge of his class told me "he really missed you." I wondered if she really knew that or if she just said it to everyone.
He left for NY. He was always on call so had to stay there except on his days off when he would fly home. I visited him several times in NY and stayed in the "flight attendant" apartment he lived in with 15 other flight attendants...male and female. AWKWARD!!!
But he did seem to actually care about me. Could I trust him? Could I trust he was really over her? Could I trust it wouldn't happen again? After all, he flew with many women and stayed at hotels with rooms right next to each other. It was a very difficult time.
Our son left for Japan for 6 months to do an internship and our daughter put in her mission papers. We began to have a number of miracles in our lives. Mostly small things but miracles none the less. One happened on a Sunday morning. Our daughter had not yet received her mission call and our stake president told her she could not go to the temple until she received her call. I was saddened by that because it would mean she would not be able to go to the temple before her brother left for Japan. With her dad not able to go to the temple I really wanted our son to be there. I resigned myself to the fact that it would just be my daughter and me. On this particular Sunday morning her branch President woke up early with the thought in his mind "[she] needs to go to the temple before her brother leaves for Japan." He called her in, conducted the recommend interview and sent her to the Stake President. The Stake President said "no, you can't go until your mission call comes." She told him that her branch President felt otherwise. The Stake President sent her home and said he would call the branch President and explain to him. This was all very time sensitive as the Stake President was leaving town that evening and wouldn't be back until after our son left for Japan. I spent the day in prayer.
A few hours later the Stake President called her and asked her to come back to his office. There he told her that, after conferring with the branch president, he had determined that this was indeed inspiration and he would give her the recommend.
I knew our Father was aware of our situation, that He love her and each of us and had given this inspiration to her Branch President.
That week, just before our son left, we were able to go to the temple with my daughter. It was heartbreaking not to have her dad there. The first of many such experiences that we would not be able to share with him.
But I lived in hope.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Great is Thy Faithfulness
"Great is thy faithfulness, o God, my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with thee;
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.
As thou has been thou forever wilt be.
Pardon for sin and a peace that's enduring.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me."
There is no shadow of turning with thee;
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.
As thou has been thou forever wilt be.
Pardon for sin and a peace that's enduring.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me."
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