You're probably wondering what happened last week. Nothing to report. The man is just plain happy in his current status! No divine discontent there! And I did have that moment of let down. but I am fine. Back on track and holding fast to hope. He was in town today and we did go to church together.
I have quoted from Stephen R. Covey before. His book "The Divine Center" was extremely helpful to me during those dark, difficult days and still is.
"...anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds. Often the best defense is a good offense, and sometimes this manifests itself in cynicism, the defense of the mind, for when we expect nothing we will never be disappointed. So the attack frequently manifests itself in sarcasm, in cutting humor, in sharpness of tongue, in critcalness, and in anything that will keep from exposing the soft, vulnerable, tenderness within. Each partner then will tend to wait upon the initiative of the other for love, only again to be disappointed but also be confirmed as to the rightness of his or her own past accusations...
"I remember speaking at an Education Week in Phoenix when a lady came up to talk to me about the speech I had given the previous year at an Education Week in California on the subject of being a light and not a judge. she related to me her story of the intervening year.
She began by identifying how depressed she had been the year previous because of the lack of valiance in her husband's life-style. He had never caught fire in the gospel or the Church and was just barely getting along. She however had been illuminated with the gospel light and wanted the full blessings of the Lord on her entire family. She had tried every method she had heard of in an effort to influence her husband, all without success; and she had eventually succumbed to depression and cynicism.
"Hearing my previous presentation, she was temporarily stimulated by the idea that her calling was to be a light, not a judge---in other words, a constant producer of good attitudes and behavior. (After all, where in all the scriptures are we commanded to confess another's sins?) She decided to try it. She did so, and for several weeks she had a very difficult time in maintaining this new course.
As an example, she recounted that one time when she was preparing to go to church with the children, none of whom was very enthusiastic to go, she asked her husband in the middle of the TV program if he would join her in going to church and would help her with the children. He said he didn't want to go, that he wanted to finish watching his television program, and added, 'you should let the kids stay and watch it and not force them to go to church." She swallowed hard and remembered she was striving to be a light, not a judge; a model, not a critic. Normally she would snip at him at the end of the encounter by saying something like, 'well, if these kids don't turn out right, you know whose fault it is'---then she would immediately leave, giving him no opportunity for a rejoinder. She always tried to get in the last word and couch it in the language of the scriptures. It was her way of getting some kind of justice.
This time, however, she said nothing as she left, but merely took the children along with her and drove to church. While driving, she condemned herself for not performing her traditional judgment act on her husband for his lack of valiance, and the withdrawal pains she experienced were severe. She was breaking a deeply impacted habit that was addicting to her---the habit of getting back, of justifying, of having the last word, of putting down. She persisted with this changed behavior, even though she experienced great internal emotional turmoil for several weeks. At one point she was about to abandon the entire project, but fortunately she counseled with her bishop. He encouraged her to keep it up, and she did.
"At the Arizona Education Week she now pointed out her husband, who was across the hall, and said, 'There's my husband. he is not a member of the bishopric.' I asked her if she would mind if I talked with her husband regarding what had happened. She felt good about it and so did he, and he described the process.
"He said he had felt completely justified in his relative lack of commitment to the gospel, because apparently there were no real, powerful fruits of it in her life. She wasn't really changed because of the gospel and the Church. Further, she would punish him from time to time in various ways, and that made him feel justified in his minor rebellions. She paid him off, and this gave him the 'right' to do it some more. He even sensed her new method---be a light, not a judge--- and her striving not to answer back or fight or yell or criticize. But he knew what she was really thinking and feeling inside, and to some degree he enjoyed her being punished, as she had been punishing him for such a long time.
"At this point in his account he said something that struck me forcibly. 'But she persisted until this new behavior became a habit to her, and I began to sense that she was changing inside also; she wasn't punishing me or manipulating me any longer, and she derived no more satisfaction from the encounters.' He added, 'She became an angel, Brother Covey, and how do you live with an angel?'
"Well, eventually you can't live with an angel unless you change to a like condition. You eventually shape up or ship out. Whatever good there is in one person is appealed to by the angelic nature of the other. Most people have a great deal of good within them, and if only others would perceive it and treat them accordingly, this would tend to bring it out. There is no guarantee of this, however, for it will take great time and patience, ...
"It takes two to fight, and if one partner does not fight back, soon the other's angry surliness spends itself.
"The Lord is not only our advocate with the Father; He is our advocate with all of our Father's other children..." (The Divine Center pg. 24-28)

The scriptures bear this out (note--this is in no way meant to imply that anyone should allow themselves to be abused!):

Alma 24:20 And it came to pass that their brethren, the Lamanites, made preparations for war, and came up to the land of Nephi for the purpose of destroying the king, and to place another in his stead, and also of destroying the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi out of the land.

21 Now when the people saw that they were coming against them they went out to meet them, and prostrated themselves before them to the earth, and began to call on the name of the Lord; and thus they were in this attitude when the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword.

22 And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them; and we know that they are blessed, for they have gone to dwell with their God.

23 Now when the Lamanites saw that their brethren would not flee from the sword, neither would they turn aside to the right hand or to the left, but that they would lie down and perish, and praised God even in the very act of perishing under the sword—

24 Now when the Lamanites saw this they did forbear from slaying them; and there were many whose hearts had swollen in them for those of their brethren who had fallen under the sword, for they repented of the things which they had done.

25 And it came to pass that they threw down their weapons of war, and they would not take them again, for they were stung for the murders which they had committed; and they came down even as their brethren, relying upon the mercies of those whose arms were lifted to slay them.

26 And it came to pass that the people of God were joined that day by more than the number who had been slain; and those who had been slain were righteous people, therefore we have no reason to doubt but what they were saved.

27 And there was not a wicked man slain among them; but there were more than a thousand brought to the knowledge of the truth; thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people.

How grateful I am for hope. So grateful for my Savior's incredible love and strength. This is a long, arduous road but He makes it light and worthwhile. I love Him. And I love that He wants me to love my husband and helps me when it's hard. After all, that poor man loves me too! Bless his heart :)

Faith, Hope???

He is meeting with the Stake President today at the request of the Stake President. I struggle to know how to feel about these meetings. I wonder about faith and hope in these situations. I mean to have had hope so many times dashed is it foolish to think this will be any different or is that merely a lack of faith.
Our stake president wants desperately to help him. When I served those 8 years as stake RS president there were two stake presidents. The current president came aboard when I had been serving 4 1/2 years so I figured I would soon be released. I didn't really know the man other than he was a bishop in one of the wards in our stake but we hadn't really had much contact. Soon after he was called I had a meeting with him. He told me my days were numbered so I had better "sprint". But he also told me something interesting. He said from the first day he was set apart he became focused on my husband...a man he did not know at all. As he told me a little about his background I got excited realizing that this man just might be able to relate to my husband. They had very similar stories. Raised in homes where alcohol was abused, surfers, beach life guards...the first priesthood leader we had ever had that had such a similar childhood. But the post adolescent life experiences were vastly different as our stake president became truly converted to the gospel and served a mission, married a general authority's daughter (his mission president as well) became a very, very, very successful businessman, had 8 children, served faithfully in church leadership positions. A warm-hearted, caring man who my husband actually likes. When he and our Bishop came over recently (as I have previously mentioned) my husband enjoyed talking surfing and waves and such.
So today....what to think. I don't know what to pray for anymore. I have prayed for him to have a desire to study and learn. I have prayed for him to feel safe to allow himself to feel. I have prayed for a mighty change of heart for him. And I have prayed that Heavenly Father will lead those of us who love my husband to know what we can do.
Today I struggle with whether or not to hope because it is so painful when the hope leads to nothing. But then I realize that faith and hope can't be based on my prayers being answered the way I want when I want. Faith and Hope have to endure especially when it seems futile in my finite vision.
I was reading about the brother of Jared when the thought came to me: how loving of our Savior to provide an opportunity for the brother of Jared to exercise his faith to a degree that actually enabled him to see the Savior. I mean the Savior could have said "go over there and get some really smooth rocks that are kind of clear and bring them to me and I will light them for you." That would have been really great so that the brother of Jared would know just what to do and it would be done. It would still take some amount of faith, would it not, to believe the Savior could actually do that? So wouldn't that be enough faith for the brother of Jared to exhibit? On the other hand how much growth would there have been? How much experience would have been gained? Instead the Savior asked the brother of Jared what he would have the Savior do? This gave the brother of Jared the opportunity to exercise faith and works and to come to know the process of coming unto Him all the while having no doubt that the Savior could and WOULD touch those stones and give them light.
Today as I pray, I decided to have that kind of faith. I know the Savior can literally touch my husband's heart and mind with his finger. I know He can touch our stake president's heart and mind as well. But I recognize one difference here from those stones. Yes, even the stones had agency but He will not override my husband's agency. There's the concern.
Still I am going to choose to have faith and I am going to hope and if nothing seems to come of this as obvious as the lighted stones I am not going to lose that faith or hope. As I learned all those years ago on my knees in my room when the comforter spoke peace to my soul, Heavenly Father is involved and I can trust Him and His timing. There may be changes today that I cannot see just yet but will one day. To lose hope of that is despair and I will not do that. I have come too far to lose hope in my Savior and in my Father's plan for me and my family. The day it all comes together, Father's will and my husband's desire, will be a glorious one.

Psalm 119: 114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.

Romans 8: 24-25 For we are saved by hope but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

And...as always..."With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible"!

The Rest of the Story

So....He called last night from Philly.
"Happy anniversary" he said.
"And to you" I replied
We both laughed.
"It's a good thing I called to remind you" he said.
Again we laughed. "You found the card" I stated.
He felt dumb and told me what a beautiful sentiment the card had.
This morning he called and asked if he has a home to come home to. "Of course" I told him.
You know, it really does feel better to just laugh about it than to feel hurt. I am at peace. Thank you Heavenly Father for your strength and healing.
Happy conference! It has been fabulous so far!
This bears repeating:

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“And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

“And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.” Mosiah 24: 10, 13-15

The Power of His Love

Lest you should think any of this is possible of myself or that I think I did this there is NO way. To feel compassion for a person who caused so much pain in my life is only possible through the Atonement. He makes it possible. I am a weak person. ANYTHING good I feel or do comes from His grace...His enabling power and is motivated by the incredible love I know He has not only for me but for ALL of His children. Having tasted just a smidge of His love has brought healing to my heart and helped me love others. It's not me.

Today is our wedding anniversary. He forgot. I realized a couple of weeks ago that he forgot when I saw his schedule for the month and he hadn't requested today off. He usually does. I didn't want to remind him then because I didn't want him to feel bad about it since there was nothing he could do at that point. But it's just silly because now when he does remember (when he gets the card I tucked in his bag) he will feel even worse. Do I secretly want him to feel bad? Or do I just not really care? Or have I decided that it's not really that important? Or do I really want to protect him? Hmmmm. I need to ponder. I'll get back to you :)

1 nephi 17:3 And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them;