I should have known but hadn't even noticed that for the past how long(?) he was coming home from work and going straight to bed without a word. How did I not notice that? Several months before this he said to me "We need counseling." I was shocked. "Why?" I asked. He shrugged.
He is such a handsome man, but has always been quite ignorant of his own good looks. I watched for years as women flirted with him and stared at him on the street. He never believed me when I pointed it out. In July he came in to Nordstrom where I was working a couple of nights a week. A co-worker said to me "Don't you worry about him?" "No" I replied. "He doesn't even notice other women."
Really, we had a good relationship though I missed him having a deeper love of the gospel than he had. But lately things were different. I was tired and depressed and didn't really notice. Did I mention I was teaching high school? I graduated when I was 40! Although I had a great relationship with my students and really loved math, teaching was really hard for me. I couldn't deal with class control. I had a great time being a chaparone at school dances. He didn't like that. But he wasn't home at nights so it didn't interfere with our time together. When I first started teaching school I was careful to plan time for just us since I worked days and he worked nights. I had weekends off and he did not. Somewhere along the way I let up. We really weren't spending much time together at all so I guess it just didn't seem odd that he would come home and not speak. How long had that been going on anyway?
So he said to me " I called Jack and told him I wouldn't be praying in church today...and I asked him for an appointment to see the Bishop."
As I said, my blood ran cold. "Why?" I asked. "Isn't it obvious?" he replied. "No" I said hopefully, not wanting to hear what I thought he would say next. I thought he was going to say something like "I've had an affair. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me" and I would be so relieved that I would say "Of course I forgive you!" But that's not what he said. I sat on our makeshift bed on the living room floor stunned.
"I have been having an emotional relationship with someone." Huh? "What does that mean?" I asked. He explained "We talk and hug and kiss a little." At this point I am in pain and hurting but I am thinking that it sounds like we can recover from this really fast...not a big deal. But there was more.
"I can't go on like this" he said. "It ties my stomach in knots every time I hug her. I've been down this road before and it was too hard then. I can't do it again". Again I felt a little hopeful and then "I am meeting with the Bishop to have my name removed from the records of the church so I can pursue this relationship without the guilt."
WOW! I would have never, not ever seen that one coming. My mind was whirling trying to understand. Did he just say he's been down this road before? Who is this man? Why did he think having his membership dissolved would solve his problem?
"You mean you want to continue the relationship with her?" I questioned not believing he could possibly mean that.
"She's my soul mate. I love her and I am leaving you."
I could not believe what I was hearing. We had been married for 21 years. We had children. Didn't any of that matter?
And then the lie I have come to believe Satan uses to destroy many relationships "I don't love you. I have never loved you and I will never be able to love you" he said.
I can't imagine any hurt more painful than to have the person that is supposed to love you most in this world, your eternal companion, the father of your children, the one you have spent every day with tell you that you mean nothing to him, never have and never will.
What could I do?
How does it all turn out? It's a journey! A journey I would not wish on anyone but from which I have been eternally blessed!
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
He surely was directing mine from that moment.
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