And now what????

We lived from day to day in relative peace.   I felt like I was living with a friend more than a spouse.  But that wasn't so bad after the heartache of the past 3 years.

For Christmas I was completely caught off guard when he gave me the picture "Oh, Jerusalem" by Greg Olson.  It was huge and was a print on canvas.  I really didn't know what to think.  He made not attempt to come back in to the church.  I was perplexed but I kept practicing all I had learned about love and patience, forgiveness and walking hand in had with my Savior.  There was never any mention of forgiveness.  Never any talk about what we had been through.  No indication that he was sorry and loved me.  Yet the gift seemed to speak.  I had learned not to read any message into anything he did because I was usually wrong. 

I was now an ordinance worker, teaching Institute and Relief Society so I was continuing to study and learn.  As with most spiritual experiences the wonder was fading a bit.  I tried to hold on tight to  the amazing feelings I had experienced during those incredible days.  I missed the intensity of it all.  I was drained.  I wanted him to love me and the gospel.  But, then, that is what I had always wanted.  Our relationship was completely new and different.  We never faught.  We allowed each other freedom to be who we were.  We stopped requiring each other to fill our cups.  We learned to help each other but to find happiness from within.  

I ponder on those days often.  On all I learned and all that was yet to transpire between us that has brought us to where we are today.  

I think back to when I first learned that he "loved" someone else.  How my world as I knew it crumbled.  I recall wondering how this could happen when I was trying to live the gospel.  Why weren't we blessed.  Little did I understand the blessings this trial would bring.  I remember thinking that life was not what I had thought it was supposed to be.  You live a good life you get blessed.  Something bad happens you try harder.  I put the burden on myself.  I needed to be perfect to be blessed.  But perfect people wouldn't need a Savior.  We are hear to learn through our own experiences.  That means transgressions will happen, hearts will break, we (I) will be weak at times, but we can repent and be new again because our Savior and our Father love us and provided the way.  Thus the first lesson learned from my list "Adversity is not a punishment, it is an opportunity for growth."