If Not For You

I don't really know when it happened but one day I realized the pain, the frustration, the feeling that I didn't love him were gone. How long had it been like that? I didn't know. But I loved him and he loved me. It had taken close to 10 years but this ordeal was finally behind us....well, mostly. Still he was not back in the church. It has now been nearly 17 years since that morning in September and he is still not a member of the church. That's a whole different discussion for another day.
Thirty eight years ago I stood at the door of the LA temple and made a vow that I would be sealed to my husband there within a year. If you've read this from the beginning you know that we did make it to the temple for which I am very grateful. My children and I are sealed and one day when he returns he will be sealed to us again. Still, here I am 38 years later with no temple sealing to him...again. It boggles my mind. I know one day he will come back. Father didn't save this marriage just to end it in the eternities.
Life is good. We are so different from those two people who started this journey together, yet apart. We have learned and grown, struggled and worked. We are here now. Together.
Last September he came home from a trip and he told me that when he talks to people about me he cries. I was stunned. That does not sound even a little bit like the man I married. One day he said to me "do you know that song that Olivia Newton John sang (Huh???? since when did he know an Olivia Newton John song?) that's entitled "If Not For You'? "Yes, I know it" I responded. "I can't hear it without crying because it reminds me of you." Wow. If you would have told me on that September morning that someday life would be not just good but better than I had ever experienced I would not have believed you! I am so grateful that Father guided us through this experience in such a way that our marriage was preserved. It could have so easily ended. He (my husband) wanted it over. I felt powerless to stop it, but....With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible (Luke 1:37).
My journey is far from over and there is much I want to post, but I bear witness that if we come unto Him with all our heart; learn of Him; walk with Him; love Him; serve Him; let Him love us He will guide and heal our lives. "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led toward the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." 1 Nephi 17:13.
One thing I can tell you is that the way was not easy. It was, and at times still is, very difficult to put aside my own needs and fears and place the safety of our union first trusting all the while in my Father's help. Without Him and without the atoning sacrifice of my Savior I would not have been able to endure. But had we ended our marriage because of seemingly insurmountable obstacles we would have never known the joy we have now.
I recognize that there are marriages that cannot endure, but there are many that would not have to end if handed over to the Savior to heal. Everyone says it takes two people to save a marriage. I believe that...yourself and Heavenly Father. If the 3rd member of your marriage should desire to contribute it is even better. But if not...don't give up until Father tells you it is done.

If not for you,

I couldn't find the door
Couldn't even see the floor
I'd be sad and blue if not for you.

If not for you, 

I'd lay awake all night
Wait for the morning light
To shine in through
But it will not be new if not for you.

If not for you, my sky would fall,

rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost if not for you.


If not for you, winter would have no spring
I couldn't hear the robins sing
I just wouldn't have a clue
If not for you, if not for you.

There is hope. There is love and light at the end of the darkness.