Happy Birthday

So it's my birthday today.  I couldn't help but ponder on the many, many birthdays that I hoped, even when there was no past experience to offer such hope, that he would actually care.  When we were young married's and he would work on my birthday (he worked swing shift) and not buy me a gift because pay day was tomorrow (how about thinking ahead and buying something BEFORE my birthday?) and then tomorrow would come and since my birthday was past what was the point, it really messed with me.  Every year I would think "this is the year he will surprise me" but I knew deep down that that was not going to happen.  Still I would hope only to be hurt again.  Eventually I realized it would be less painful to just not expect anything.  As our  kids grew older they did their best  to do something for me.  I always remember the year my husband was on a day shift on my birthday.  When he came home I was cooking dinner.  He was sitting at the counter and my back was to him.  after a time I heard our son say "Dad, what did you get mom for her birthday?"  My back was still to him and I didn't turn around...it was silent.   I knew he had not remembered.  Finally I turned around to see the look of complete bewilderment on his face.

During the years that he had "checked out" of our marriage I didn't know what to expect.  I think I mentioned that one year he actually went shopping for a gift for me with her.  I think she was ok with that since they had already made plans to be together the day after my birthday.  He bought me something I would have normally quite liked but I knew he hadn't been alone so it just hurt. 

In subsequent years he was seldom home on my birthday and by now I had come to the realization that happiness has to come from within so I started planning things on my birthday that I would enjoy...a pedicure, shopping, and a birthday cake from my favorite bakery.   But that was then.

A few years ago he really blew my mind when he bought me flowers, a video and an ipod!  That was a first and this time they were from the heart.  The past few years he has made a point of making sure he has my birthday off.  At first I wasn't sure I really liked that.  I had gotten used to celebrating my own way!

Today he is home.  But he has been gone for 3 days and will leave again tomorrow for 3 more.  Since it's Sunday we really can't go anywhere.  So Friday I ordered myself a cake.  It was really quite humorous since they asked me what I wanted it to say on it.  I told them "Happy Birthday ___________" (my name).  All was fine until they asked me who was ordering it.  I paused and tried to think of another name to give them so they wouldn't know I was buying my own birthday cake but in the end I just told them the same name.

He got home at about 9 pm and saw the cake box on the counter.  "You bought yourself a cake?" he asked.  I told him I was doing him a favor since he had been gone so couldn't have purchased a cake.  Then he revealed a small box from a very quaint bakery in Philly where he had been.  He bought me a cake!  So this is where we are. Right where I wanted to be 38 years ago.  We finally got there but only by a journey of a lifetime.  The interesting thing is now I don' t expect anything and if something great happens it's a bonus.  But if nothing happens it doesn't' ruin my day.  There is so much peace in letting go of "real or imagined grievances against [our spouse] and setting our heart to love and bless....  We stand in a sacred relationship to the people in our lives, especially family, because they are not there by chance.  The people in our lives were placed there not only for us to enjoy but also to cross us and to dissatisfy us from time to time so that we can learn that love is not a matter of personal satisfaction but a going out of our hearts to empathize with , to understand, and to try to bless the other, giving up the demand of the natural man for satisfaction---to love the other, to forgive the other, to cease to demand that the other satisfy us, and to seek to be able to bless that person.  Relationships were given to us to develop us in love."  M. Catherine Thomas

Remember:    “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success.

   And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.

   And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.

   And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul...”  Alma 26: 27-30 

He is always there to sustain, love, lift, encourage, strengthen, teach and bless us on our journey.  The journey is much lighter when we love and trust Him and the love His children for Him.

Endure on your journey....you WILL be blessed.

Hugs!