I really wasn't sure where their relationship stood. It's not like he would give me updates, but he did tell me about the skunk and his determination to end the relationship starting with her leave of absence. She was getting too needy. It was driving him away. I was getting free. I was feeling my burden lifted. After a year of heartache, darkness and fear I was beginning to feel some joy. I would contemplate in awe and wonder at how it could be so. Father's promises are sure. I felt that the miracle I had been seeking was not the miracle I received. But I got a miracle nonetheless. It was the miracle of coming to know my Savior and Father, of being taught from on high, of becoming free of needing another human being to make me happy. It was learning to find happiness from within. It was knowing that my Father and Savior would never desert me or leave me comfortless if I would come unto Them. It was learning that I could trust Them and that with Them NOTHING was impossible.
There was a very difficult day when I really wanted to know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do pertaining to staying or leaving my marriage. So many people were telling me I was crazy to stay while I was being treated so badly. One day I went to listen to a missionary companion of my son who had returned home at the completion of his mission. In his talk he shared the following; "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. " Alma 26:27. It pierced my soul and I knew Father was speaking to me in answer to my pleadings. I opened my scriptures and read on: 28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.
29 And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.
30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some." I knew I must stay and not give up. But it was so painful and so hard. I knew, however, that it wouldn't be any less painful if I left him. He would always be part of me and of our children.
I longed for peace, healing and wholeness! Now, a year later I was feeling those things to some degree. I had pleaded for a miracle that didn't seem to be coming, but now it felt like a miracle. Though he didn't say so it seemed that their relationship was over and had been for awhile.
One day he came home and threw some cards down on the table in front of me. "Here," he said. "You always wanted to see the kind of cards she gave me, here are some." I opened them and began to read. Then I opened one that was dated. It was an "anniversary" card with a date of a couple of weeks before this day. I was devastated. He didn't realize there were any dates on the cards and thought I would think they were old. I handed the card to him and walked out the door. I went shopping and to a movie, heartsick. It still wasn't over. Would it ever be? Once he had told me that even if he did end it with her he would never stop loving her. How could we live with that?
I went back home in the middle of the night. He woke up and told me that he hadn't realized that the dated card was in there. He admitted that he had returned to a relationship with her but that they really had ended it just days before. All I knew was that I would continue to wonder if they were back together again. How long would it take for me to trust him? He had not and did not now nor would he ever plead or even ask for my forgiveness. For some reason I really wanted that. I needed that. I longed for that.
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