So many times I had hoped he would love me. I hoped he would see that what he was doing was not really him. It was like he was a complete stranger. He had always struggled with relationships and showing love, but he was also always a very nice person. People loved him. This person who was lying, cheating, betraying was not him. I would look at him in wonder. How could he not see that this was not him. She meant breath to him. Freedom, acceptance, self assurance. She didn't complain about his actions or deficiencies. she didn't live with him. Didn't do bills and budgets, home and car repairs with him. With her it was always new and interesting. it was fun and games. But then she started to get needy. On my birthday he spent the day with her. She helped him pick out a gift for me. I still have it, but it's a constant reminder that he was with her on my birthday. I am afraid to get rid of it for some reason. She knew we were going out that night and she felt threatened. she asked that he call her later that night and he was supposed to go cross country skiing with her the next day. He didn't call and he didn't show up. She went nuts. She told him to never call her again. But it was just her way of manipulating him. She never understood that it wasn't even her that he loved. He needed her to feel alive but it could have been anyone. She just happened to be there and they were friends. When he took her seriously and didn't call her again she came back after him. But before she did it was two weeks without her. Still, I knew he missed her. I actually hurt for him. I knew how much my broken heart ached. I assumed his pain was no less. But he was torn. Torn between needing her and the pain of being without her and his constant betrayal of our covenants and his covenants with God. I can't imagine his anguish. Still, during those couple of weeks we got along great. We could laugh and talk and enjoy being together. He needed her but he needed her to be his friend not his lover. She needed all of him. I began to hope he could get over her.
I was confused at how easily and willingly he would give up his faith and his family for her. It shows how completely Satan can convince a person that they need things that can destroy them. But eventually he leaves those very people to suffer alone with the consequences.
She told him she would take him on any terms. He was getting weary and told her they could just be friends. She said she was fine with that but she wasn't. She kept putting pressure on him to tell her he loved her and to be with her. He continually went back to her, but it was taking it's toll. One night after he told me they were over I drove to the airport and put balloons in his car. He was supposed to break them and find inside each a reason I loved him. Then I waited in the shadows to watch him. I saw him approach the car arm in arm with her. They paused and looked in the car and then walked on to hers. I went home. He arrived an hour and a half later.
Still he finally realized that he needed a relationship that was exclusive. she was married. She had been around. I had only ever been with him. I loved only him. Still, even though he was beginning to have a desire to end his affair, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he was sorry for what he had done. I think he was still very lost and confused. He, after all, did not have the gospel or the Holy Ghost to help him. He had turned from the church entirely.
I was getting weary. I would give and give and receive nothing. It was so difficult. As I tried to feel our Father's love for me I found that I could give more without receiving. But, still, I longed for him to love me.
It seemed so unfair to have to be the one to give and give when I, too, longed to receive. What I began to understand is that the more I could give (only with Father's help) the more I would get.
one day we had a very calm discussion as to what was motivating him. As he talked to me I had a very rare, unique experience. For just an instant I saw him through our Savior's loving eyes. It filled me with compassion. Our Savior loves all of Father's children. He sees the real them...the real me. Beneath all the human weakness. And He loves us. Just as he loved the woman "taken in adultery." I realized in that moment that my husband had withheld love all these years out of fear, lack of self worth, and feelings of inadequacy. I had no idea. All I could figure is he didn't really love me enough. As I started to show him love when he least deserved it, he began to trust his worth and value. We both changed. But the road was long.
I believe the only real influence we can have on Father's children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to Him and let His love heal us. The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving, the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can walk His path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits for us to fall into them so He can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all He does!
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." Moroni 7:48
There seemed to be some hope, but the road that lie ahead was still a long one!
No comments:
Post a Comment