Our son was due to return home from his mission. We had always planned to go to Japan to pick him up and so we went. My husband, our daughter and I. I was so excited to see my boy. Oh, how I had missed him. But I had this pain in my life that wasn't there when he left and it was all consuming. Still it was glorious when we first laid eyes on our missionary. While walking around Tokyo I found out that he told our boy that I had fallen into a deep depression when he left on his mission. I was sick that he told him that. I didn't want our son to end up blaming him being gone and the resultant depression I had for our problems and I thought my husband was laying the groundwork for being able to blame me for his affair. We hadn't told our son about any of this.
One day, after returning from Japan, I came home from school on a break. There was a note from my husband saying that he had gone to LA for the day and that he hadn't told me in advance because I would want to go and he wanted to be alone. I lost it. I called the airport and had them page him. No answer. I called the gate where the plane would be leaving from and asked for him. He was already on board I was told. I asked the gate agent to tell him that his wife called and said to have a great day. I knew who he was with.
I went into hysterics. My daughter just stood there and watched me. My son came up from his room and asked what was wrong. "Your dad went to LA for the day" I sobbed. "Alone?" my son asked. That's the first we had talked about any of the situation. He had noticed things and asked his sister what was up.
A few weeks before this I had finally convinced my husband to go to personal counseling. We had stopped going to the Family Services counselor. He was very depressed and had even mentioned suicide. Truly "wickedness never was happiness" yet he was addicted to the relationship. There was a counselor I wanted him to go to but the waiting list was months long so I found someone else and he had begun counseling. I called her when I found out he was in LA with "her" and they fit me in. I expected her to tell me what to do. She didn't. I think they actually thought I might kill him and counseled me against that.
I went to the airport when the plane was due in...about midnight...and hid where I could see those deplaning but they couldn't see me. I was hoping that I would just see him alone. But I knew I wouldn't. Sure enough they deplaned together.
I had high hopes when he went to his first session with the counselor that he would realize what a really bad choice he was making. That he would see that leaving his family would not bring him happiness. I waited anxiously for him to return from that appointment. When he came home I asked "how was it?" He replied "fine."
"What did you learn?" I pressed, hopeful for some sign of a change of heart. "I learned that I need to get my own identity, but when I do I am still not going to want to be with you." With that he left for work.
I broke down.
I began pacing though the house sobbing, wringing my hands and yelling to God "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me this much? What have I done to deserve this?" I was hysterical and oh, so distraught. I had never known such heartache. And now, after trying so hard to be faithful, pleading for Father to let this end this is what it had come to. I continued to pace and cry and yell. I just couldn't comprehend that I was so bad that God would desert me. I felt completely deserted, completely alone. The thought went through my mind "you need to pray." "I am praying" I screamed. "Can't you hear me?" and I continued to pace and cry, wringing my hands and hurting beyond belief. All seemed so black and hopeless and then the thought hit me. Maybe God only cares about his prophets. Maybe he doesn't even listen to the prayers of lowly people like me. And then Satan tried one huge lie to get me. "Maybe He isn't even there at all" I thought. It was a horrifying thought. I pictured myself leaving the church, never going to a meeting or serving again and imagined what my life would be like without it.
Gratefully in that moment the faith that I had always clung to took effect and I realized that if I gave up on Him I was truly on my own. For the last few months I had tried everything I knew to bring this trial to a positive outcome, the outcome I wanted and thought Father would want also, and look where it had gotten me. No, if I turned from God I was surely without hope. Again the impression came to me "you need to get on your knees and pray." I resisted until finally, in complete exhaustion, I collapsed to my knees. At the very instant my knees hit the ground there was an immediate peace that enveloped me. Oh, there was still pain, but there was tangible relief. A calmness came over me. I felt as though a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I felt peace flood my soul. He who had felt so very far away and unaware of my suffering now felt very close. I suddenly realized that for all these months I had pleaded with Father for the outcome I wanted. I had rationalized that surely what I wanted was what He wanted too. Wouldn't he want a marriage performed in His holiest place to be repaired?
There, humbled by His love, for the first time I did what had been missing in all my worship and prayers. I uttered the 4 most difficult words I had would ever say: "Thy Will Be Done." I was terrified that His will was not my will. I continued to cry softly and asked if He could just let me know how long this would go on. I could bear it if I only knew when it would end. He didn't tell me, but I was completely aware that He knew all about my suffering, He knew how it would end, He was and had been working on the outcome and whatever that outcome was it would be okay for it was all part of His plan for me, for my husband and for our family. This hadn't interfered with His plan, it was part of it. I knew He knew me and loved me. I was in awe.
Everything changed from that moment. There were many, many dark and painful days ahead but I would always look back to that day and say "cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.
My whole approach changed. A new direction for my journey. A journey of the deepest sorrows and the most joyous joys. Yes, there truly must needs be opposition in all things. How could I have known then that from the greatest pain would come the greatest joy I had ever known!
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