I had read many books during these dark days. The Case Against Divorce, What Really Works with Men, How to Get Him Back From the Other Woman to name a few. They had some pretty good ideas and I tried many things to win him back. I put my heart out there for him to stomp on. Usually he did and I wanted to give up hope. But something kept me going.
By now I knew I couldn't change him but I realized that I could change myself. I was not going to blame myself for his choice to forsake his covenants, and betray me but I knew I could become a kinder, gentler, more patient and loving person. Over the years I had let his indifference develop a wall of sorts around my heart. Now, with my marriage in great jeopardy, I was determined that I would change and that he would notice.
The books helped. I tried a lot of different techniques to keep him around. Nothing seemed to work. I had to fight the urge to despair and give up. I just felt I had to be proactive.
One day I obtained a room at a quaint hotel. Prior to this I had gone to several stores and purchased items like flowers, a fruit tray, sparkling cider, lotion, candy etc. I left a note for him that said to follow the instructions contained in each envelope. Each would send him to a different store to pick up the items I had purchased. The last envelope had the key to the hotel room. I was already there with soft music playing and dozens of candles lit. I was absolutely terrified. What if he didn't show. Or what if he did but he was mad or cold. I waited. He came. We actually had a very special evening and were able to talk and just relax. But 3 days later it was apparent that he was with her still and I felt absurd. What had I been thinking? It would be much, much later that I would realize that every little thing I tried had a positive effect. It just wasn't always noticeable immediately. But for now I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally demolished.
The therapist I had been trying to get him an appointment with finally called.
He wouldn't go. He said he was fine with the therapist he was seeing. I was deflated. I had great hope that this other therapist would make the difference. Would make him see the correct path. Would tell him what an idiot he was being.
I was embarrassed that after calling and calling trying to get an appointment for him he wouldn't go so I decided that rather than waste the appointment I would go. I left that session with my head reeling. The things this man taught me gave me hope!
I told him of the affair and my husband wanting a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I did not want a divorce.
My husband had asked me why I loved him. I couldn't think of why. Is that odd? I had to question whether I just couldn't take the rejection or if I truly loved him. I had been hurt by him repeatedly over the years. Had I truly built up a wall?
When I told the therapist I didn't want my husband to leave me he replied "well, don't let him go." That completely boggled my mind. How could I possibly make him stay? How could I stop him? It sounded absurd. "What if he packs his bags ?" I asked. "Sit on his bag and don't let him go" he told me. What? How could I stop him. "What if he leaves anyway. He's stronger than I am!" "Camp out on his doorstep everyday." he said. What he was helping me see is that I had power in my life. NO ONE could take it from me. After feeling so powerless this was invigorating. I left feeling hope. He was a gestalt therapist. You know, you put someone (figuratively) in the chair and tell them 'You are my husband, and I am your wife. You have hurt me, betrayed me, stomped on my heart but I am not going to let your actions control me. I am going to love you. I choose to love you." I left empowered.
I know why people go to more than one therapy session. It didn't take long for my new sense of empowerment to wane. Being around my husband exhausted me. I would spend every moment that I had with him being nice and loving and patient and forgiving. Then he would leave and I would collapse, exhausted. I would cry. I would pray. And I started to search the scriptures looking for the love my Father had for me. Could He really love me?
It's a devastating thing when the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else on this earth doesn't. My self image was destroyed. But I had a new mantra. "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible." Luke 1:37
On the darkest days I would repeat that many times. It had to be true. What other hope was there?
People thought I was crazy. "why do you put up with him?" they would ask. "I would be gone!" they would say.
I would take long walks and ponder. One thing that continually went through my mind was a vision of the Savior and the love He exuded. The kind of love that people could feel by just being near him. I saw in my mind's eye my husband or anyone who was hurting and searching approach the Savior. I knew that in His presence they would feel safe and loved. It occurred to me that that is what my husband was truly searching for. Pure love. She was just a vehicle. What if I could show him that kind of love? I could only do that by knowing my Savior intimately so as to access His strength. So I read the helpful books less and less and read of our Savior more and more. The more I learned the more i hungered to know more. To know Him. To trust that He could actually love me. And to be able to share that love with others...especially with my husband.
"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our backs....If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
How do you do that when you hurt so much?
No comments:
Post a Comment