Hope dashed

"She" convinced him to meet her to tell her in person. Bad idea. She knew what would happen if they met. Sure enough he just couldn't end it. He didn't tell me this until later.
That night I went to see our Stake President for a temple recommend interview. Our recommends had expired. A few weeks before all of this we were going to go to the temple but I was half-hearted about it. I was tired. I couldn't find his recommend so let it go. Now I wished I had tried a little harder. Would it have made a difference? I don't know, but probably not.
I told my Stake President the situation. He said "hand your burden to the Savior." I puzzled and pondered over that. Just how do you give such intense grief to anyone let alone someone you can't see? I loved the gospel and my Savior and determined to try to figure out how to do that.
She was out of town for a few weeks and he had surgery to remove the screws inserted when he had the bike accident the year before. They were two great weeks. I thought the worst was behind us and we could move past this.
One night I went to where they worked and just stared at her through the window trying to imagine her in my husband's arms. It was just a dream...it couldn't be real. I just couldn't picture it. More than 20 years of marriage. How could he do this?
I tried to get any of this to make sense. It just didn't.
One day I found a tape he had made. It had songs that addressed feelings of loneliness and love. It said it was for me to be played after he was gone. One of the songs was Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. As I listened I thought "This is a man feeling unloved and alone." Had I really closed him out that much? And if so, why couldn't he just talk to me? Still, I hadn't made him choose this course.
After those few good weeks things went very bad. They were together. He was still in our home, but he didn't want to be married. He didn't want to be with me. He asked his dad if he would help him financially so he could move out. His father had never liked me but, bless his heart, he said "no."
Our Bishop sent us to LDS family services for counseling. It was not going well. The last time we went the counselor asked how things were going. "Not well" we told him. When the session was over he said "well, I am glad things are going so well." What was he thinking? What kind of counselor was he. He didn't get it.
I drove my husband to work that day and on the way it was tense. "What is it going to take to get you out of my life?" he asked. That was one of the lowest points. I was devastated and felt hopeless.  I held it together until I dropped him off and then went to work but had to leave. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I felt hopeless. This was NOT going to work!
Each night I would wait for him to come home from work. I watched the clock noting just how late he was. On the nights he wasn't late I knew she had not been at work.
I would go to school and when I came home I would hit redial to see who he had called. Most of the time it was her answering machine that I heard on the other end. It was devastating. Each night I went to sleep with eyes wet with tears. Each morning I would wake up, tears still in my eyes. Each day I would try to teach often choking back the tears that would come without warning. It was difficult to focus on anything but how to get this to end. The pain was so unbearable. The abyss became darker and deeper and I wondered how I could go on. I wanted to die so I would be relieved of the anguish, but somehow I knew that wasn't the answer.
I often pondered my Stake President's counsel to hand my burden to my Savior. I just didn't know how. I would gladly have given away such pain. If I could put all the anguish, pain, devastation, heartache in a neat little box and tie it up like a gift and hand it to Him I would gladly to so. But there was no way i could see to do that.
I began to increase doing. I went to the temple at least once a week but more if I could. I sat in the Celestial room crying for hours, pleading. I fasted several times a week. I found it difficult to eat anyway since I felt sick to my stomach all the time-I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.
I asked to be released from my calling, something I had never done before or since, but I wanted my husband to know that he meant more to me. I began to read my scriptures more consistently and looked for opportunities to serve others. Though I didn't feel like reaching out to others in service I learned that "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." (Elder Maxwell).
I spent long hours at book stores looking for books that would tell me how to save my marriage. I learned something from all of them, yet things just got worse and worse.
I felt bad about it but I began to read his journal. Why would he write this down? Did he hope I would read it? It was heart breaking to read his feelings for her and even worse when he detailed the time he spent with her. Images I now wish weren't forever etched in my mind.
Still, I could not give up. I was determined to save this marriage and family. And something was urging me on.  But he was determined to go.
"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction." Jacob 1:3
I wanted to hope, but where were the answers? Why weren't they coming. Didn't Father want this eternal marriage preserved?