I read a book called "What Really Works With Men." It suggested that rather than thinking of him as a husband betraying you, you think of him as having a terminal disease. I pondered that and realized that in reality he was like someone with a terrible illness. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was really this man who was killing me, figuratively speaking of course. I decided to look past his humanness and see him as a very sad, lost spirit son of our Father. Each time I wanted to scream at him and tell him what a jerk he was I took a deep breath and turned it around 180 degrees. I never condoned his behavior but I did try to show love and compassion. That is a tall order when I so needed him to show me the same. But expecting him to do so before I could treat him with compassion was completely destructive to our relationship. I decided that in reality a marriage that is 50-50 probably works out to more like 25-25 since both partners are waiting for the other to treat them the way they feel they should be treated before reciprocating. I decided to give 150%. What I found was the more I loved and served him without requiring anything in return the kinder he was to me. At times I wanted to give up though.
One week he went to Reno to visit his father. It was such a relief to know that he was away from her. On the night he was supposed to return he called to say that because of weather he was diverted to LA and would be home the next day. We were leaving for Cincinnati to visit my sister the next morning ( how I talked him into that I don't recall) so he would meet me at the airport. It wasn't until a few weeks passed that I found out that he had met her in Reno and introduced her to his father. I guess he hoped his father would fall for her too so he would support him in his desire to leave me. They had spent the night in LA and he held his breath when they landed in SLC hoping that I wouldn't see them together. Then he met me at our gate and off we went. Such incredible deception. When I found out I freaked ! I packed my bags and then called my therapist and told him I was out of here. He said that was fine but to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. After calming down I stayed. The really great part of all of this was that his father said to him "why would you want to leave your wife for her?" I was amazed. Did I mention his dad had never liked me. He had never taken my side on anything. I suddenly loved his dad!
Michael Wilcox said “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”
I wanted to let this pain in my life build in me divine characteristics. I would not give up. In order to do so it became imperative that I feel Father's and my Savior's love for me and for him.
Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.
"Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”
I spent many hours in the temple crying my eyes out but also feeling Their love. It gave me strength...and hope.
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