I know thee by name

I remember a day that I was sitting in our kitchen. I was so tired. So overwhelmed. So, so sad. The feelings welled up in me until I felt that I would burst. How could one continue day in and day out to live with such pain? I thought "There is no way I could explain to anyone what this feels like. The pain, the anguish is beyond description." It was the first time I ever remember receiving such directed revelation. The Spirit said to me "Your Savior knows exactly what you are feeling." I knew it was revelation because I had NO idea that He could know what I felt. I had often contemplated the atoning sacrifice of our Savior but it always ended with me thinking that, while He suffered great physical agony, He certainly never experienced divorce, cancer, betrayal by a spouse, physical or sexual abuse or many other human experiences. This was new to me and I was in awe.

First I was overwhelmed to realize that I had just had the Spirit actually speak to me as clearly as if He had been standing there in the kitchen with me. And secondly, to think our Savior could know MY pain. WOW!

I went to the scriptures and began searching to know if they would verify that He could actually know me personally, intimately. And if it was possible that He could know me, could He love me? I mean love ME. Not just love His children as some great, vast body of people, but ME.

I read in Moses 1: 35 "But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man: BUT ALL THINGS ARE NUMBERED UNTO ME, FOR THEY ARE MINE AND I KNOW THEM."
I became overpowered by desire to know more. In Exodus 33 I found these words between Moses and our Savior:
"13- Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: ...
14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.
15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.
16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? "

I love that...How can I go anywhere or do anything without my Savior by my side?

And then this that pierced my soul as I contemplated it's meaning for me: "17- And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I KNOW THEE BY NAME."
Maybe it was possible that He could know me by name. But still...Moses was a prophet. I am just me.

I read in Joseph Smith History 3 different places where Joseph specifically states that he was called by name. It occurred to me that Joseph must have felt much like I did... In awe that the very God of all mankind could know him by name. I read in Isaiah and Jeremiah statements that He knew them by name. Still, these were prophets and, again, who was I?

Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants 39:7 a revelation for James Covill "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant James, I have looked upon they works and I KNOW THEE."

I read it again this time inserting my name "And now, behold, I say unto you my servant _______________, I have looked upon thy works and I know thee."
I don't know why it seems that sometimes the scriptures only become personal when we are yearning for answers. But there it was. He knew me...by name. And He knew what I was feeling. He felt my pain. HOW?

One day a friend told me to notice the cover of the current Ensign. At first glance it is just another picture of the Savior in Gethsemane In fact it wasn't even the one we usually see and it seemed old fashioned and not very impressive. I wondered why she had suggested I look at it. I began to look more closely turning the picture to get a different angle. It was then I saw it.

I saw the tears in his eyes. They were just brimming--ready to over flow. It gripped my heart as I thought of the pain he suffered for me because of my sins and it brought tears to my eyes. That picture hangs on an East wall of the Bountiful temple. As an ordinance worker I would pass that picture often and each time I would say "I'm so sorry for what I added to your pain." One day, when I had been wondering about the Savior's knowledge of our pains and His incomparable love for me, I passed the picture again. I started to say "I am so sorry..." when the impression came to me distinctly as though I could hear him say “These tears are not for my pain, they are for your pain.”

I understood for the first time that Our Savior didn't just take our sins, He experienced our every pain and sorrow. He alone knows perfectly what we suffer for He has felt our personal suffering and He alone can truly succor us. In Greek there is a rather obscure meaning of Succor...it means "to run to." That is what He does...He runs to us to lift and heal us with His love. Love which must have grown beyond comprehension as he knelt in that Garden, saw each of us..saw me... and felt our individual suffering.

I framed the cover of that Ensign and placed it prominently in my living room so that I might be reminded each day of His love for me. Love I can't even begin to comprehend. It has become a reminder to me that in my Gethsemane He is truly my Savior and friend.

I was beginning to understand and with that understanding came an empowerment like none other.

When I was overwhelmed or scared I would imagine my Savior on one side of me and my Father on the other. That's power. Walking with them no one was going to mess with me.

But I was just beginning to understand. There was much that still lie ahead in this journey. Much pain, much joy. I was beginning to feel the healing power of our Savior's love.