Limbo

I had been praying to know my Father's will for me and for him. Did He want me to patiently love him forever? I would do so. Did He want me to realize there was no hope for us to be together for all eternity and leave him and get on with my life? I would. I just wanted to KNOW. Even if there is no hope for us eternally is there much I could learn by loving him unconditionally and never giving up? Perhaps I could help him along the way. It was just so frustrating to be stuck in an unproductive pattern.
I blamed myself for his lack of interest in the church.
At one of our stake conferences Elder John E. Fowler spoke about choosing a stake president. He had asked those involved "who is the most spiritual sister in the stake?" It was her husband who was then chosen as the Stake President. He said that spiritually strong women have spiritually strong husbands. I was distraught thinking "where does that put me?" I began to wonder whether Father would want me to leave my husband to find a righteous Priesthood holder to spend my life with. I was pondering all this in the temple one day when I received an amazing impression as to what marriage is really all about. It's not so much about him making me happy or me making him happy. It's about helping him to be the best he can be and helping him home to our Father. For years I had been knit picky because I felt unloved. I tried to influence by "force feeding the veggies" because they were good for him instead of influencing by quiet, loving example. Why would he be interested in the Gospel when I made it a matter of "have to" rather than a matter of choice. But I didn't know any different.  I did the same with my children.  I feared for them if they did not conform to Father's will.  As I came to know my Savior more and more I realized that what He taught us was to love and serve in order to influence. Force, control, coercion never works. Agency is Father's greatest gift to us. When we just love someone while setting a righteous example...then we have influence. But it has to be sincere. It can't be done with the idea of changing the other person. In order to pull that off one needs to know our Savior. Said President Hunter:
“The world is full of people who are willing to tell us, “Do as I say.” Surely we have no lack of advice givers on about every subject. But we have so few who are prepared to say, “Do as I do.” And, of course, only One in human history could rightfully and properly make that declaration. History provides many examples of good men and women, but even the best of mortals are flawed in some way or another. None could serve as a perfect model nor as an infallible pattern to follow, however well-intentioned they might be.
Only Christ can be our ideal, our “bright and morning star” (Rev. 22:16). Only he can say without any reservation, “Follow me; learn of me; do the things you have seen me do. Drink of my water and eat of my bread. I am the way, the truth, and the life. I am the law and the light. Look unto me and ye shall live. Love one another as I have loved you”
My, what a clear and resonant call! What certainty and example in a day of uncertainty and absence of example.
The great standard! The only sure way! The light and the life of the world!
We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him. Then we will drink water springing up unto eternal life and will eat the bread of life”.
When we know Him we then want to emulate Him for true worship is emulation. When we emulate Him we influence others.
When he left for FA training I panicked. What if this was Father's answer? Maybe this was the end.
I had a longing, a hope, a dream. He would receive a sure testimony that God lives and loves him. That Jesus Christ, our Savior and redeemer, took our burdens upon Him because He loves us. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and that he would be baptized and then dedicate his life in quiet, loving service. That he would love me and treat me like his most prized possession. All I could do is to do my best to be deserving of such a blessing yet understand that he has his agency regardless of my worthiness. Maybe one day it would happen...maybe not.
Oh how I wanted him to know how amazing it is to feel our Heavenly Father's and our Savior's love. I wished he could understand how much he is loved by Them. That would change everything.